


Touch

by paopusky



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: AU, Absent Parents, Abuse, Death, Heavy Themes, I promise, Modern AU, Multi, Rape, Self Harm, Stalking, Suicide Attempts, This gets better, axel is not the abuser, axel is too precious, protect my kids, roxas and sora are twins, so is Roxas, the abuser is the mom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2018-10-20 02:24:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 51,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10652991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paopusky/pseuds/paopusky
Summary: He didn't want any of this to happen. His first mistake was letting himself be found alive in the bathtub. The second was falling head over heels for a guy he never thought he'd let in. And the third was expecting everything would be okay afterwards.[ Rewrite of Red.Abuse. Modern AU. Updated bi-weekly. AkuRoku ]





	1. Scarlet

**Author's Note:**

> To anyone who originally read 'Red' - I apologise for the delay in updates, though I lost my inspiration for the fic as a whole a long time ago. This is my way of kickstarting my inspiration, fixing the direction I took this fanfiction which has left me unhappy for a while. 
> 
> Enjoy~

Feeling weightless was strangely comforting.

He could just distinguish, barely, a pained voice calling his name, a desperate plea, attempting to pull him back, echoing like it was behind a panel of glass. Too far away for him to reach. He couldn’t move even if he wanted to.

Words attempted to materialise but stuck in his throat, lodged, each letter dying before it even reached his tongue. 

And that’s when he realised he was drowning.

Or something of that nature. Vague memories of what was happening scattered across his distorted mind, leaving him unable to pick out the pieces of what led him to where he was. His mind told him he should hurt. Yet he didn’t feel a thing. He was floating in a dark abyss, no bright light in the distance.

Roxas was dying. Probably. Drowning did usually come with a chance of death, and he was sure this was as close as he would get in this life. He couldn’t see or move to confirm his thoughts, yet his lungs burned with such an intense fire, almost like they were eating themselves away, consuming each cell of life with each aching, agonizing second. He counted each twisted, painful beat as they began to burn further, twinges of pain travelling through his veins to his wrist and back up again, like clockwork, a steady passage to show that his pained heart hadn’t given up. Yet, anyway.

_Beat. Beat. Beat._

Dying wasn’t as terrifying as he remembered thinking. Roxas couldn’t decipher _why_ he was dying, though the reasoning wasn’t important, not any more. Sinking deeper and deeper into the darkness, becoming nothing but an empty shell, mind soon to be lost, was not a sad thought. Nor a daunting feeling of void that was non-existence. Pain was the only thing that existed, but without his natural born fear, pain began to feel welcoming. Pain was real, pain was steady, pain was consistent. Pain told him he was still something, even if he felt like every piece of him was being stripped by the second.

Bubbles of words floated into the abyss like rust-coated weights, tingeing him with a copper taste in his mouth, a sour feeling that ran through his blood. It felt  _wrong._  ‘ _Please be okay, please...’_

A sensation of being dragged out of his void washed over his body, and the weightless, floating feeling crashed down on him, his lungs burning brighter, heavier, sharp weights crushing his bones, splitting his veins, pain making him soundlessly scream. The agony of a thousand bones being broken at once relentlessly pummeled his mind, fire licking his wounds like a taunting drug. The prospect of drowning seemed _welcoming_ compared to this. Whilst before the water clogged his throat, leaving him unable to speak, scream or even breathe, air now strangled his neck in a tight embrace, invisible hands cutting off his life force and leaving him to motionlessly lie in pain. His surroundings were a poison, leaving him to waste away by the second. Roxas felt his temperature begin to plummet and he was sure that if he could breathe, steam would rush from his lips like smoke, billowing out in clouds. Why was he so _cold_?

He could feel a painful pressure on his wrist, another death grip that only escalated the one on his throat, a battle between pain and pressure. _‘You can’t leave me...’_

The words echoed around him, multiplying in the darkness, twisting in and out of his ears, coated in venom and death, causing him to slip away, the poison dragging him under, lungs pitifully giving out, mind slowing to an instantaneous halt.

When he came to again, mind barely reaching the surface, the calloused hands changed to plastic tubes forced into his weakened throat, needles prodding into his poisoned flesh, his only indication of time the steady beat of the heart monitor at his side.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

-

Words began to seep through his abyss again, slowly, one by one, breaking through the crushing darkness and relieving him piece by piece. Small words and sounds at first, like _‘stable’_ and _‘keep a close eye on him.’_

_‘If he wakes up.’_

Cries, too. Familiar ones. And all he could do was lay still and immobile, his mind dipping in and out, most of the time unable to form a coherent thought about what he was feeling or hearing.

_“He’s slipped into a coma, Ms. Strife. We cannot decipher how long this will last. It was a serious attempt – he’s lucky to be alive.”_

_“Is he…?”_

_“We cannot say anything for sure. I’ll… give you a few moments with your son.”_

The words passed by like a blur, syllables tugging on the edge of his mind, waiting to bring him to the surface, only for silence to push him back down again like a crushing weight.

_“I got Mom to admit she needed help. Finally. I think… she really means it. I know it doesn’t excuse a thing. I just wish it didn’t take… this… for her to realise. I-I’m staying at Riku’s a lot of the time now. He helps. I told him everything – he’s angry, but more so because I didn’t tell him. I wish you’d wake up. You’ve always been the one that’s kept me safe.”_

_Beep. Beep. Beep._ The most he could count before he slipped away was twenty-two. Twenty-two beats of his heart, twenty-two sounds the only thing confirming to everyone else that he was still alive.

_“I’m so sorry… Nothing I can possibly say will fix this… I just hope you wake up, my precious boy. Even if you go the rest of your life hating me, the one thing I want for you is to… live.”_

The pain began to recede as his hearing grew more clarity and definition. The loss of breathing apparatus was a welcome one, as was most of the uncomfortable, thick needles in his arms.

_“R-Rox… Oh god, how do I even begin to explain this? Hayner… went off the rails. He disappeared for some time after he found out about your… attempt. He went crazy. He… shot Mom. She’s dead. She’s… gone. I couldn’t get away to visit you until now. I… God, I need you to wake up… Everything’s spun out of control. You, uh, remember Cloud and Tifa? Probably not; neither did I… apparently Cloud is Luna’s brother, and Tifa his wife. They’ve taken guardianship of us. They’re really nice. I hope you get to meet them. I’m sorry I haven’t visited in a while.”_

Snippets of memory came back to him like drops of hail, pummeling him with things he’d rather forget. The abyss taunted him like usual, a welcoming darkness of absolutely nothing.

_“I haven’t seen Hayner in months. The police have been searching nonstop. I… I do hope he’s okay. I know you weren’t seeing eye to eye, but he really did love you. We all do. He’ll either have to run for the rest of his life or go to jail. All because of Mom...”_

The only thing he didn’t feel was regret. Frustration, maybe. Being unable to move or speak wasn’t pleasant. He didn’t regret taking those pills. The plain purpose was for it to end things, to null the pain. It didn’t work, but he didn’t regret it. Roxas knew he was being selfish, but… he couldn’t find the motive to feel any differently. Not anymore.

_“Hey, Roxas. You probably don’t remember me much, as Luna took you away when you were so little… I just wish...”_

_“Tifa...”_

_“Cloud, just look. He might never wake up, and nobody even realised. Nobody helped. And we could have if we were just there. We had to find out everything that went on behind closed doors from Ms. Gainsborough instead.”_

_“I know, believe me, I know. My own sister… I still can’t believe it.”_

-

_“So, they say you can hear everything in there, right?”_

A voice wafted into his ears, one that sounded husky and deep, definitely unfamiliar. Confined to sit motionless and unable to say a word, all he could do was vaguely pay attention to what this guy had to say. Maybe he was a new nurse assigned to his area – which would probably be the worst prospect, as having a chatty nurse talk to him every hour of the day wasn’t something he could find himself getting excited about.

_“Not that you can reply to me or anything… I thought you might like some company, y’know? Since I’m such a charitable person and all.”_

God, if he _was_ a nurse, this was even worse. He was quite sure he’d go crazy.

Roxas was starting to regain sense, at least. Voices no longer swam in and out of consciousness and although to anyone else, nothing had changed, he could now form coherent thoughts without his head screaming in pain.

It was starting to get lonely with only himself for company. Sora could only stay for so long, and one-sided conversations weren’t ideal.

Regret still hadn’t surfaced. Most people, by now, would have realised their mistakes. They would begin to spout shit out of their mouths, preaching that they never wanted to die or that going through the worst made them realise how precious their life was.

Roxas wanted nothing more than to get out of the coma, that was for sure. He knew once he did, he’d just mellow by himself. He couldn’t keep his mind from unhappy thoughts, nor did he feel compelled to. He had nothing to distract himself with other than sleep, a blessing he could only take advantage of so often.

 _“Hey,”_ the male started before stopping, the vague sound of shuffling being heard. Maybe _not_ a nurse then. He tried to picture the voice in his mind, a complete stranger attempting to converse with a comatose kid. Maybe the guy was bored? Or, less appealingly, he might have involuntarily gotten himself into an awkward situation with a paedophile. With his luck, the latter.

 _“...Roxas.”_ He found himself mildly surprised at the raspy way the syllables practically rolled off his tongue, a brief tone of intrigue apparent in his voice.

_“Bet you don’t know why the sun sets red. You see, light is made up of lots of colours. And out of all of those colours, red is the one that travels the farthest. Got it memorized?”_

_‘Like I asked… Know it all.”_

_“The name’s Axel. Got it memorized?”_

-

Roxas found himself surprised at how much Axel lessened the loneliness. Despite the fact he couldn’t talk back, Axel would fill in the silence with perfectly appreciated nonsense. He could never ask why he kept coming to visit him, but he was glad nevertheless. And Axel did visit him a lot.

It was a fresh pace from his brother and the odd visit from Cloud and Tifa. He never heard from anybody else, though his family members had been cut from four to three quite abruptly.

He still didn’t really know what to feel about Luna’s death.

Sora had mentioned in one visit that their friends were too grief stricken to visit, though from his tone of voice, he came to his own conclusions. Riku would often accompany Sora, though that was the extent of it.

Even though their conversations were one sided he found himself anxiously counting the painfully long ticks on the clock, waiting for Axel to come back with his insane theories and far-fetched stories. Regardless, he loved them anyway. Even if it was him reading the newspaper or spluttering a completely made up tall tale, he made everything interesting.

-

 _“They say you can tell a lot about a person by their hands...”_ Axel was running his fingertips lightly over the palm of Roxas’ hand, tracing each groove and dent as he went along, his feather light touch comforting. It was the most contact he’d had since he’d been brought into the hospital and he found himself wanting nothing else but this, to be nowhere else.

 _“Though I have no clue how to tell.”_ Axel chuckled, moving along to Roxas’ inner arm, following the veins along his wrist.

He tried not to think about how desperately he looked forward to his visits or how he felt like he was in his own private world with Axel, even though he couldn’t speak. Roxas tried not to let the thoughts that he may never get out of the coma surface – or would Axel even be interested when he woke up? He tried not to ponder if they really had a friendship, and if it would be broken before it even began if he did awaken.

Roxas was contradicting himself as time ticked on. He didn’t care if he had friendships, and definitely nothing more. Yet he couldn’t help but have those thoughts fall away during every visit, desperately wondering who the face was behind the voice.

_“You have a lot of battle scars, kid… I hope one day I can help heal them all.”_

The sadness in Axel’s voice took him by surprise, and for one brief moment he found himself _liking_ the fact that he cared. He genuinely seemed to mean it, and for one slight second, Roxas felt his walls drop, his resolve faltering.

That was until wooziness took over once again and he felt himself falling asleep, the ghost of Axel’s touch fading.

 _“I made a bet with myself that you have beautiful eyes.”_ A deep sigh echoed around the room. _“Wake up already so I can prove I’m right.”_

-

Voices began to drift away, hazy tones that he’d catch for a few seconds before they disappeared. He slept a lot more, most of the conversations from his visitors gone unheard in favour of vivid dreams. Roxas began to revel in them, every second more vivid than the last, beginning to despise the times he was awake in the dark, silent void. When he dreamt, everything was bright and full of colour, full of life. Roxas dreamt of Axel often, though he was a blur, unable to put a real face to the voice, the only thing which was actually certain.

His dreams often consisted of soft, pale grass underneath his feet, his limbs not tied down to a hospital bed, free to roam his mind at his will. Cool wind brushed against his skin like a refreshing breath of fresh air, water enveloping his pores and leaving him utterly tranquil and at peace. Each ray of light, each particle of colour was impossibly bright and intense, a vast contrast to nothing but endless unilluminated darkness. Nobody could harm him in his own personal paradise. Nobody could touch him. Roxas could be completely alone and revel in the fact.

He could drift in an endless sea of vast shades of blues, the surface glittering in the constant dawn, no worry of drowning present as he floated, the seconds washing away. The water flowed over him, enveloping every inch of his skin, healing him, pulling together broken pieces like glue. Nothing could bother him in the slightest.

Roxas began to forget things, though he knew he’d be better off forgetting them somehow. The memories washed away with the waves of the sea, each overlapping between specks of tranquility, leaving him to want for nothing other than the endless emptiness, the only sounds that of the crashing waves against the ground.

He was happy, memories or no memories. Completely content with his own company.

Happy.

Sadly, his personal paradise never lasted long. He always awoke, memories rushing back to the surface, back to the ticks of the clock, the endless _beep, beep, beep._

Roxas began losing his will to get out of the coma, his resolve wavering, fight diminishing. He didn’t want to be in it forever, that much was for sure, but he didn’t want to awake from bursts of colour and peace to emptiness, silence, or a place he couldn’t quite reach. Being trapped was becoming mentally exhausting. Roxas felt like the world was steadily moving around him, living, breathing souls loving and doing everything that was expected of them, everything that was natural. He was stuck. Stuck forever being forced to listen to the lives of everyone around him, progressing while he lay still, hating himself more and more. Axel was right, he had his _battle scars_. They weren’t poetic, or romanticised; most weren’t visible, never healing, tugging at his mind and baring at his very psyche.

Axel wanted to fix him.

 _Everyone_ wanted to fix him.

Everyone apart from Luna, that was. She saw he wasn’t worth the trouble.

-

_“I don’t know what to do.”_

Those few words pulled him out of his dreams and into the present, a hazy edge to his mind, unable to process his surroundings as much as he used to. Regardless, he could make out his brother’s voice amongst the drowsiness, muffled cries echoing around the room.

 _“The d-doctor...”_ He spoke, hiccupping as he did so.

 _“What did he say?”_ Riku joined in, a concerned yet strained edge to his voice.

A pause. _“His levels are dropping…. His brain activity is low. He’s getting worse, Riku.”_

Then nothing. Roxas could hear the pain in his voice, the roughness of what could only mean countless sleepless nights.

_“I really, really don’t know what to do.”_

-

Roxas awoke to Axel tracing outlines on his arm again, and if he was able to speak, he knew a content hum would unknowingly slip out.

He took comfort in the routine they found themselves in. It grounded him, gave him a sense of being, that there wasn’t just _nothing_.

 _“Once I really liked this guy back at school.”_ He must’ve been in one of his ‘ramble about anything’ moods, though Roxas didn’t mind too much. Rambling was better than silence.

 _“I had a dream about him – and no, before you magically come out of your stupid coma and give me ‘that’ look, it was a perfectly innocent dream – and in this dream, he liked me back. So, the next day I turn up and make a beeline straight for the bike sheds, since he’d always smoke joints there. Classy. Anyway, I kissed him. Without warning, might I add. Turns out he didn’t like me. Although I can’t see why not. I’m hot, charismatic and just overall amazing, great, sexy; what more could you wish for?!”_ Roxas mentally smirked, finding his natural narcissism to be oddly charming.

_“You can probably guess what happened next – and don’t play dumb, we all know you have a couple of brain cells left in there – he freaked out and we haven’t spoken since.”_

At least that confirmed Axel’s sexuality. A part of Roxas imagined him to be quite open with the fact, at least from what he gathered.

Axel didn’t speak for the rest of his visit, though he kept on running his fingers over the boy’s palm, eventually lulling him to sleep yet again, the last thing that Roxas could remember was his warm, comforting presence and a faint smell of cinnamon.

-

The weights lifted off his eyes, slowly but surely. Everything was dark, shadows scattered around the room that he couldn’t distinguish. He was clueless as to where he was, brain foggy, limbs protesting. He wanted to go back to _sleep._

Roxas attempted to shift into a sitting position, but in doing so he’d set off a multitude of loud noises, echoing around his brain and the room, wincing at the pain they created. A couple seconds passed before a door that was on the other side of the room opened – finally letting in a slight amount of light, letting him adjust to the fact he was in some kind of room, his arms connected to various tubes and sensors. Roxas let his gaze travel back up to the door again, noticing a familiar face standing at the entrance, frozen, his eyes fixed on himself. A doctor walked past him with a nurse who quickly assessed his condition, giving him wary smiles as their eyes met.

“R-Rox?” Sora managed to splutter out, still unmoving, rooted to the spot. Roxas attempted to reply though all that came out was a hoarse gasp, leaving him coughing and wheezing in a sound that was more reminiscent to choking. “Oh my god – you’re _awake? Really awake?_ ”

Roxas didn’t try and reply to Sora this time. His head felt so heavy, and he couldn’t piece together where he was, or why he was there… The room filled with light from overhead, filling every inch of the room, blinding Roxas from the intensity. With a croaky groan he laid back down on the pillow, draping his arm across his face to block out the light.

The sound of a chair being pulled up rang through his ears and he peeled his arm away, noticing the doctor and nurse had momentarily gone, beeping erased. Roxas could see, now that Sora was closer, how much of a _wreck_ he looked. His once short, spiked hair was tied into a messy ponytail, limp spikes poking out in random directions. Large, dark circles hung under his eyes, covering red-rimmed sad blue orbs.

It pained him.

“ _Roxas…_ do you know where you are?” Sora asked cautiously, keeping his eyes trained on Roxas – out of worry, sorrow, pity, he didn’t know. He shook his head as a clear no – everything felt so hazy. “You’re in the hospital. You… You fell into a coma. Because of your attempt eighteen months ago. You’ve been in a coma... for the past year and a half.”


	2. Amber

_ “You're a good-for-nothing child. I never wanted children. Now I'm left with a disgrace like you and your brother.” _

_ His mother took a long, deep drag from her cigarette, the musky smoke surrounding her in thick clouds, a constant veil of grey. She was wearing the same sort of outfit he'd always seen her in; dark grey baggy trousers and one of her many tatty jumpers, frayed at the edges. A cluster of cheap, plastic bracelets chimed every time she moved her arm to take a puff of smoke, breathing in deep and exhaling, her lips chapped and dry. The cigarette dangled between her thin, bony fingers menacingly as he sat on the floor watching her grimacing at the taste of cheap, rotten tobacco. She was glaring at him through glossy, cold yet empty eyes and he flinched in retaliation, bringing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them tightly. Roxas’ eyes darted around the room as usual, telltale signs of panic singed into his mind. _

_ “Please don't hurt me...” _

_ She was idly sitting on a battered old couch, parts of it coal black from cigarette burns. There were various other stains on  _ _ it _ _ , but he never questioned them. Mother didn't like it when he spoke without being told to. A small, worn out yet beloved photo album sat on her lap, open on a picture of her and another man, her  _ _ fiancé _ _ , hugging, before the twins were even thought of. When their Dad was still around. _

_ Roxas buried his face into his arms, unable to look at her stony gaze any longer, his expression crumpling once it was out of  _ _ view _ _. He was used to all of the old, smelly things in the house. He did just sleep on a mattress, after all. Mother couldn't afford anything new; she always told him 'maybe for your next birthday.' She always blamed it on him, because he was born. Sometimes he wished he'd never been born. Then maybe Mother wouldn't be so mean. _

_ She never hurt Sora. Maybe it's because he looked like Dad and Roxas didn't. _

_ He didn't realize he was fidgeting until Mother came over and pried his hands apart roughly. He looked up at her warily as she was now towering over him, the photo album in a heap on the floor. Roxas shuddered, horrified at what she might do, only to be given a cold, hard slap on his cheek. Out of the sudden shock he cried in pain, only to earn him another slap, which stung his throbbing cheek further. He should've known better than to fidget, Mother hated it. Almost as much as she hated it when he made a sound when she hurt him. _

_ He cautiously put a hand up to his cheek, a tear slipping out of his eye at the raw pain radiating from the slap. As he looked up, blue eyes were glaring at him, a twisted smirk plastered over her worn out face as her cigarette dangled from the edge of her mouth. Yellowing and disfigured teeth made him shudder violently. In pictures, Mother used to be so beautiful... _

_ As she lent down, her limp blonde hair skimmed across to her protruding collarbones and he shrunk back further as her face neared his. His panic started to escalate as his back hit the stone wall, limbs trembling. _

_ Did he do this to her? _

_ Did he turn Mother repulsive? _

_ “I hate you.” _

_ It was like a dam was suddenly opened from his eyes. The hot tears fell fast and abruptly, stinging against his burning cheek. Roxas began to stand up, attempting to run to his room, but it was futile. Mother was faster than him. She grabbed him by the elbow and slammed him to the wall, not even showing a hint of remorse as he cried out loudly,  _ _ unknowing _ _ where his twin brother was – but  _ _ hoping _ _ he was hiding somewhere safe. Bending down to his level, she took one last, long drag of her cigarette before twisting it into his shoulder, right above his collarbone. Roxas howled in agony, but she didn't take the burning cigarette away, the one that was sizzling against his flesh. Mother just watched his eyes, his pain-filled eyes, before striking him hard on the side of his head. He started to feel woozy. The pain in his arm wasn't subsiding, and he feared he might faint. Letting go of his arm, he staggered a little before she pushed him to the ground forcefully. A sharp pain collided with his head a few seconds later, and everything started to weave in and out of focus, vision blurring as shapes melded together. _

_ “You deserve everything I give you, pitiful little shit.” _

-

He awoke in a cold sweat, panting heavily, memories of the dream weighing him down like bricks. He sat up abruptly, sweat glistening on his skin, his surroundings slowly returning to him. Roxas wasn't there... With her. It was just a nightmare.

He ran a shaking hand through his damp hair, trying to steady his irregular breathing but failing, badly. Dreams like that had started to become a normal occurrence, and yet they still haunted him each time he had one. Sometimes it was that alone that would send him off in a frenzy, unable to breathe as tears streamed down his face, her touch covering every inch of his skin, echoes of pain fluttering in his veins. He shouldn't call them dreams, really. Nightmares, flashbacks, whatever anybody wanted to label it. All he knew was that he  _ hated _ them.

Roxas had started getting them after he'd woken up from the coma, in the dusty, unfamiliar hospital room a couple of weeks beforehand.

Not long after he'd awakened, still disorientated and confused, Sora had told him a brief explanation of what happened; leaving out Hayner. He obviously hadn't thought about the possibility of Roxas hearing him  as he lay unconscious in the hospital bed . Roxas himself was too shocked at the fact he was awake, and that he'd been in  the hospital for such a long amount of time, to speak. That, and he just couldn't seem to find his voice.

It still didn't feel real to him.

He was nineteen now... It only felt like a month ago that Sora had told him that Tifa and Cloud had taken guardianship of them. Granted, that was a while, but... _ over a year. _ He'd missed out on so much. Roxas didn't think it would affect him as much as it did, but... it did.

Sora had his own place. With Riku. They still hadn't admitted their feelings about each other or taken a step towards the inevitable though. Sora always was an oblivious child.

A slight gap in the curtains allowed some of the moon's rays to stream through, illuminating the room in a soft glow. His room. Sora never gave up hope that he'd wake up, even after all the months he'd watch him never making any progress, declining into a state that even the doctors weren't hopeful. He’d had to work two jobs to be able to pay for the larger apartment and hospital bills, yet he did it anyway, wanting Roxas to be able to settle in as best he could. Riku could only pay so much, after all. Roxas was  still adamant that he’d be perfectly fine sleeping on the sofa for however long he needed to, until he could pay to get his own place, though Sora wouldn’t take no for an answer, giving the excuse that they already had the  space, so he might as well use it. He'd always dreamt of moving out, but  _ she _ would probably have beaten the shit out of him for bringing up the idea.

The moonlight allowed him to see the contents of the bare room slightly, which was calming. Reassurance, he guessed, that although he could still feel the ghost of her touch, she wasn't there...

He reluctantly moved his shaking hand to his collar-bone, squeezing his eyes shut tightly when his fingertips grazed the slightly raised skin. Roxas could still feel the sting of the cigarette being forced into his skin roughly, the fierceness of her eyes as she held no regrets  for what she did. She never did. Not even when she used to go too far.

Good riddance.

Shifting his legs off the bed he gasped at the sudden change of temperature before savouring the cold air rushing to his overheated skin, the contrast sending an involuntary shiver down his spine. The extent of winter was one he still wasn’t accustomed to, after spending so long in a seemingly heated room. Not that he complained about the lack of short sleeved clothing.

Roxas slowly walked over to the window, the floorboards creaking slightly under his weight, trying not to disturb his sleeping twin. He just didn’t have it in him to be an ass any more. He didn’t have it in him to be anything.

He slowly peeled back the curtains, letting the moonlight fully illuminate the bare room, the street lamp outside brightening the room further. He yanked on the flimsy latch next to the window, his weak arms straining. When he did manage to push the window open the fresh breeze began to circulate around the room, a  relieved sigh escaping his lips. Grabbing a cigarette from beside his bed he pulled himself up onto the windowsill, letting his legs dangle outside freely. Despite the musky, familiar smell, they helped calm him down after the nightmares, so he'd take whatever relief he could get.

The blonde lifted the cigarette up to his mouth, lighting it before taking a long, deep drag and exhaling it into the cold air. Closing his  eyes, he took another, relishing in the rush as the nicotine coursed through his veins, the scent travelling up his nose, vaguely sending him back to that disgusting house.

When he was still with her.

The only thing that wasn’t crystal clear in his mind was Luna’s boyfriend – or maybe just a guy she fucked, he couldn’t tell. Couldn't even picture a face. He'd left when  Roxas was about ten, causing her to go even more haywire. Though he could still remember the musky scent of vodka and weed, still pictured the lines of white they used to sniff like a routine. Luna seemed to have stopped getting high after that; her supplier and 'income' had left, leaving her with no way of getting any of those mind twisting drugs she used to love.

Taking another drag, he shook his head, closing his eyes. No point in bringing that mess up.

Roxas didn’t want to admit it, but he felt lonely. A deep, aching, broken loneliness that he didn’t know how to fix. One that was unlikely to fix with company. Not that that would even be an option – Sora never got up before sunrise. He didn't know what time it was, but the night sky was a clear indication that it was anything but.

Plus, Sora would probably pounce on him and make him  _ talk. _ He groaned, taking a last puff of the cigarette before flicking it out of the window, uncaring as to where it went.

Roxas had barely talked to anybody since he woke up. A week of rehabilitation in a separate part of the hospital gave him control over his limbs again and although they still felt sore, they'd deemed him safe enough to go home.

Except home wasn't home any more.

He kinda missed the place. That was the only home he'd ever known.

He had to visit Aerith tomorrow, his and Sora's psychiatrist. Sora started seeing her a while after Roxas' attempt, so she knew about the whole situation, including Hayner.

_ Idiot. He missed him. _

-

“How have you been, Roxas?”

Roxas shrugged, diverting his eyes from Aerith's gaze. He was currently sitting on a small, cosy armchair which sat directly opposite the brunette woman. It felt too personal, too homely.

“Nothing new to report. No mental breakdowns and no suicide attempts, despite everyone thinking I will. I'm handling myself pretty well, in my opinion.” He drawled. Although he’d been left alone he had noticed the careful looks, the constant, watchful eye, the  _ wariness. _ Like he was a broken doll going to crack at any minute.

“Considering the severity of your attempt they wanted to admit you to a psychiatric ward as soon as you were safe to leave  the hospital. However, from what I've heard of you and how well I've come to know your brother, I talked some sense into the doctors. You'd both suffer from you being sent away, and places like that can often make a patient go down a slippery slope that’s worse from where they started off. Although,” she crossed her legs, giving him a stern look, “it isn't off the table. I need to know you're not going to attempt again, Roxas. If I have any cause for worry about your safety, I need to do what is best for you.  _ And _ everyone around you.”

“...I won't do it. You don’t need to treat me like I’m glass, you know.”

“All I want to do is help.”

“Well, you can’t.” He snapped, anger flowing through his eyes briefly. Roxas looked away again. “So don’t even try.”

“It’s my job to try, Roxas.” She studied him intently. “Why wouldn't I be able to help?”

“ _ Because, _ you can't just magically fix me. Nobody can fix me.”

“I won't personally be able to fix  you, but I can certainly  _ help, _ and so can others! Sora can help you too; you underestimate how much you help him. You just have to let people help you.”

“What if I don't want to let people help me? Who says I want to get better? Who says I'm worth it?”  _ stop- _

“But you need to. Or you may end up as you were not that long ago. Sora may think that because it's been so long, you're over it, but to you it's still fresh in your mind. You are worth it, Roxas, you most definitely are. You just need to convince yourself that you are.”

Roxas knew she was right, but she wouldn't catch him admitting it in a million years.

“How did you feel when you found out your mother died?”

He stiffened, the question catching him off guard. He slowly raised his eyes to meet her gaze. She sat in her chair, hands clasped together, gaze watching his every move.

A challenge.

“I...” He swallowed, resolve wavering. Aerith was… nice. He had to try, for Sora at least.

“I heard Sora, while I was in the coma. I don't know if he knows, but the subject of it hasn't come up. I don't know what I felt. Relief, maybe. That she couldn't hurt Sora while I wasn't able to protect him.”

“I guess that's to be expected. Do you have any flashbacks of her?”

After a slight pause, he nodded.

“How do they make you feel?”

Roxas scoffed, staying silent. It was obvious how that made him feel. He hated her. Nothing could probably change that.

“Roxas.”

He shook his head, closing his eyes tightly.

“If you won't tell me, describe what happens in a flashback? We could always start with your most recent one?” Her voice echoed through the silent room, and he shivered, opening his eyes only to be met by a kind and sincere gaze.

Recounting the details to Aerith wasn’t pleasant. The further he went, the more pained his expression grew, his walls wavering. When he began to talk about what she  _ spoke, _ those words that still spun around his head, he found them getting caught in his throat, unable to voice the words that clogged his heart.

“Things you would prefer not to talk about?”

Roxas nodded silently, thankful for her understanding. She held no disgust or repulsion in her gaze ̶ though her eyes seemed sad. He didn't want her pity.

He didn't know what made him let down his barriers slightly for the woman. Didn’t want to think much more on the subject either.

“Roxas,”  she said, before stopping, apparently trying to find the right words to say, “could you describe to me how you  _ felt _ while you were in the flashback? Your emotions being that little  boy again?”

Roxas looked away, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

“We  don’t have to discuss this if you don't feel up to it.”

“...I,”  he bit his lip, “want to. Need to.”

She nodded at his response, relaxing in her chair and crossing her legs, waiting for him to proceed. So  casual , such a normal response for what he was about to say. Roxas felt his breath quickening.

“I felt terrified, really. Of what she was going to do. The pain of that cigarette... I was so...young.” He screwed up his eyes, feeling unwelcome tears start to pool in them.

“She was...” Standing up abruptly, he slammed his fist against the nearby wall, gritting his teeth together tightly. He needed to feel something. Something other than hurt or pain or the numb void that seemed to claim his every thought.

Roxas rested his head against the wall, feeling the rate of his breathing start to escalate. “Why does she still haunt me?” He stepped closer to her, tears flowing freely out of his eyes, the first time he'd cried since he'd woken up. Her eyes widened a little, probably from the shock of his outburst, but she made no move to stop him.

“She's dead.  And... I still can't escape.”

_ stopstopstop- _

What came afterwards was a blur to him, a loud, pain filled blur. When his thoughts began to surface, his mind clearing, he looked downwards to find blood on his hands. Dark, crimson blood, leaking onto the carpet like a faucet. A deep sob racked out from his chest and he sunk to the floor, ignoring the sharp pains in his hands, tiny shards of glass from an unknown source digging into his flesh as he clenched them in anger. Anger directed towards himself.

He... He was no better than Luna.

Aerith was looking at him with such terror in his eyes he felt like he wanted to vomit. Around him the room was  chaotic , things thrown, desk overturned. Roxas didn’t notice the people escorting her out of the room, nor calling the police. He’d trashed her room to pieces, cut his hands up in the process.

He felt as shattered as the room was.


	3. Crimson

“I strongly recommend you find another psychiatrist,”  the uniform-ridden officer spoke, disapproval in his tone. His dark, bushy eyebrows were downcast as he looked down on Roxas. Looked down on all of them. “It’s  _ clear _ you need one.”

“Hey.” Riku narrowed his eyes as he stepped  in between Sora and the officer, folding his arms as he made clear that he wasn’t going to be pushed down. Degraded. Something Sora would never stand up against. “That’s enough. You got what you needed, right? I’m sure you have much more important business elsewhere.”

The rugged, older man held Riku’s intimidating gaze before tutting in disgust. He turned towards where Aerith was standing against the wall, a million emotions passing through her face at once. Not many distinguishable. “Just a call away if you need us. I’ll  _ personally _ handle it if you want to press assault charges.”

With that, he was gone. Riku sighed, moving to place his hand lightly on Sora’s unnaturally still shoulder. “Prick.”

A hysterical laugh burst out of Sora’s lungs, tinged with desperation. Roxas winced.

_ idiotidiotidiot _ -

The room fell silent for a few seconds, the four of them now standing in another, larger room, due to the damage in Aerith’s office. Though it still seemed  too small. Cramped.  _ Tight. _

“Roxas.”

At the mention of his name on Aerith’s lips, his head shot up towards her direction, facing her with wide eyes.

_ She’s going to say it, not worth it. _

“I want you to continue being my patient.” Her eyes held determination, though her hands shook slightly. From fear? Adrenaline? Shock?

“Seriously?” It was Sora who spoke first, his voice uncertain. “Is that even…  _ allowed _ ?”

“If Aerith wants it, then yes. Since Roxas hadn’t directly attacked her, nothing technically happened.” Riku rubbed the back of his neck uneasily as he spoke. “Though the bill for damages may be… steep...”

“I’m not giving up on Roxas.” She nodded, almost as if to confirm to herself that it was what she wanted. “Or you.”

Nothing else was said on the drive home.

Roxas wasn’t sure what he could say.

-

He went straight to his bedroom and slept. Roxas could barely feel his bandaged hands as he drifted into a dreamless sleep, awakening when night had already fallen. Not even bothering to walk to the window he lit a cigarette with his lighter, the nicotine numbing his veins further. When he’d finished, the cigarette nothing more than a stump, he sat absent-mindedly playing with the lighter, the flame dancing in front of his eyes, bright mixes of oranges and yellows blending into a simple flame that could cause so much destruction. Flashes of a voice passed through his mind as he stared, one which was soft, familiar, that he deeply missed.  _ Axel. _ A person he’d probably never see again.

Deep in thought, he didn’t notice the flame inching closer to his skin until pain lanced through his fingers, affecting the only part which wasn’t bandaged, to his luck. In shock he dropped the lighter,  watching it harmlessly  bounce off the bed and onto the floor. Groaning, he flexed his fingers, not finding the motivation to cool it in any way. At least pain was constant.

Roxas desperately needed a distraction.

-

He did miss Hayner. They were an on-and-off couple for about a year, various pointless arguments cracking them more often than it was worth. About a week before he’d overdosed he'd called it quits. All they did was fuck every second they could and Roxas had shamelessly cheated on him, which  Hayner knew about. There was no relationship, not on his side. He'd grown tired of fight after fight, tired of emotionally investing himself in somebody he didn't love.

Hayner knew about the abuse and promised to keep quiet.

Right up until he found out what happened, and knew it was Luna’s fault.

There seemed to be a struggle; all anybody knew is that Hayner shot her and disappeared. An anonymous call to the police had an ambulance arriving within minutes, though she was already dead.

His fingerprints were everywhere. Hayner didn't bother to cover his tracks.

Almost two years with no sighting. Like he’d just been wiped off the face of the earth. He didn't even leave a note, nothing for Roxas to wake up to. Not that he expected anything, really.

-

Downing another addictive shot of vodka the blonde shivered as the alcohol coursed through his veins, taking effect in the form that his mind was turning hazy, coherent thoughts starting to fade. He smirked when he felt a familiar pair of hands snake around his waist and a husky voice whisper in his ear, stubble tickling his ear slightly as the hot breath sent a shiver down his spine.

He knew he'd be here tonight. Two years didn't change that, at least. He could take some normalcy out of that.

“I missed you,  _ Roxas _ .”

-

When he was fifteen , Roxas met a guy at a bar who went by the alias of Xemnas. Nobody knew his real name, supposedly, but he didn't care. Just as long as he could forget everything for a while. He was older, more experienced. They met at least once a week.

Before he'd ended up in a coma, that was.

Xemnas was a tall,  _ very _ tall, muscular man, who seemed to be more than willing to do anything that Roxas wanted him to. That was the main thing he liked about having  a no strings attached ‘relationship’. No unnecessary kissing, or foreplay, or heart to hearts, nor feelings.

He had complete control. It gave him stability, a habit that he couldn’t break out of, didn’t want to.

The moment his body entered the familiar pale, bare bedroom, without any hesitation , rough lips were forced upon his. Roxas smiled into the kiss, pushing his tongue through the other's awaiting mouth for dominance. The year and a half had benefited him largely, as he'd grown significantly taller, gaining a better dominance over Xemnas than before.  _ More control. _

Forcefully guiding the larger man backwards, Xemnas groaned in retaliation as his back hit a wall, unaware  of the space around them, their bodies getting closer by the second, friction making him go wild against the blonde. He could already feel the other against him, the basic actions that he was giving more than enough. Putting his hands  on either side of his head, Roxas began to eagerly nip down the side of Xemnas’ neck, grabbing the man that was clearly aroused by his thin, flimsy top and throwing him harshly to the bed, a gleam in Roxas' blue eyes.

Without breaking eye contact, he pulled his shirt over his head, smirking when he saw Xemnas’ clockwork reaction, unable and  unwilling to hide his lust, his need. Although Roxas did notice a distinct look of sadness from him at the scars that extended over his malnourished body, ones that Xemnas had seen countless times before yet never spoke about, the more powerful gaze of lust made that doubt and shame fade away.

It made him feel a sense of pride and power, instead, the fact that he could do that.  _ That was exactly _ what he needed. Nothing else mattered.

Xemnas was practically panting on the bed, his eyes clouded over with lust, waiting for Roxas to make the first move, his  _ permission _ . Their unplanned time apart was affecting Xemnas more than he originally thought as the man Roxas was now currently straddling was painfully hard underneath him. And right now, he looked as if he'd been deprived of sex his whole life, almost too eager. Reminiscent  of a  _ puppy _ .

Leaning down  _ slowly _ , the blonde purred seductively, biting his lip. He lent down and lightly bit the other man’s lip in turn, blue baring into the unique shade of yellow.

On cue, the silver haired man shivered and moaned, and Roxas began unbuttoning his trousers, his mind on nothing else but the current situation. The feeling was addictive.

Crashing his lips onto Xemnas' again, he took off the man's trousers and threw them across the room, wasting no time in taking off his boxers too. The both of them, fully undressed and needy, combined with the feeling of bare skin on skin felt more pleasurable than he could describe.

The blur overtook his head again, a sea of need, lust , and pleasure. He didn’t realise how far he’d gone until a specific thrust had caused Xemnas to cry out in pleasure, or pain, he couldn't tell; but he didn't care. He needed to carry on. To lose himself. To not feel anything anymore.

It was working.

He moaned loudly as everything crashed around him, his breathing laboured and head spinning. Xemnas followed with a similar effect, and when Roxas glanced sideways, he was watching him with a sickly mixture of adoration and bliss.

He couldn’t look at that for more than a few seconds.

Pulling out of him he flopped down on the bed, closing his eyes as he came down from his ecstatic high. When the blonde's erratic breathing had calmed, he again looked over at the silver haired man, who was watching him expectantly, eyes shining. Roxas  _ knew _ what  _ he _ wanted. And he was sure that Xemnas would be  _ more _ than willing to give it to him.

“Round two?”

-

Roxas picked up his abandoned shirt from the floor, looking back at the worn-out man lying on the bed, fast asleep. He looked so vulnerable, sleeping, mouth slightly open. Such a strong, defensive man. Which Roxas reduced to a  defenceless one when they were together.

_ Weak. _

_ 'I love you.' _

Love.

People never fucked for love.

Love was pointless. Xemnas didn't love him, no matter how many times he let it slip that he did. Just a crush. If their little situation ever fully ended, Xemnas would easily get over it – an infatuation with what he couldn’t have. Roxas knew of this infatuation, that much was clear. He wasn’t harming anybody by having a little bit of fun, and that's all Xemnas would ever be.

Fully clothed, he slipped out the door, not bothering to leave a note or to say goodbye. He never did.

He silently cursed himself when he stepped out into the cold air, realizing that it was night already, dotted stars scattering the sky. The buzz from the alcohol was long gone, leaving him feeling empty, craving something to distract himself.

Sora was not going to be happy.

Roxas pulled the hood of his jacket up over his messy spikes, savouring the slight relief from the chill. He began to walk, crossing a few streets into a more well-lit area, before  dialing his brother's number on a new phone he'd given him. He barely knew how to work the thing. As he was waiting for his brother to pick up, he pulled out a cigarette and lit it up.

_ “Roxas, where the hell were you?” _ Various sounds cut through the background amongst club music.  _ “I've been so worried!” _

“I went to see a friend. Sorry.”

A grumble sounded through the phone.

“Are you at work?”

_ “Yeah. It's in west Twilight Town. Called the Okami.” _

Roxas knew that bar. Coincidentally it was down the same street as the ‘Pink Flamingo , ’ the flamboyant gay bar which he met Xemnas at. He was just lucky Sora hadn’t witnessed him exiting with him previous.

Taking a drag of the cigarette he'd forgotten about between his fingers, he  heaved a deep sigh.

“Guess I better check  out this place you’re working at, huh?”

A pause.  _ “Really?” _

“I’ll see you in ten minutes.”

-

Roxas threw the butt of his second cigarette into the damp gutter, the club music beating steadily, seeping over to where he was standing. He was expecting a  sleazy bar, bodies grinding against each other, crap pay and late hours. When he stepped inside, however, it was anything but. A  chilled-out lounge welcomed him with black leather sofas, chairs and a white bar, free of anything remotely underclass. Transparent glass steps led upstairs to where the club music originated, and he could  _ just _ make out the silhouettes of people dancing. Two doors situated in the bare corner of the room, one of them being the entryway to the toilets and the other guarded by a keypad.

“It's... classy?” Roxas raised his eyebrow at Sora, who was currently mixing drinks for a couple standing at the bar. He felt out of place around the overdressed people he passed.

Sora chuckled as he handed the drinks to the couple, regarding them with a smile, before turning to his brother. “You underestimate my  bartending skills, Roxy.”

Roxas put his hands up in mock-surrender. “Why don't you show me some of those amazing  bartending skills then? I'll have you know I'm an amazing  critic. ” Sora rolled his eyes and turned towards the bar, only for both of them to freeze as a loud voice screeched from the entrance. A blur of dirty-blonde cannon-balled towards him, almost making him fall to the floor as he was enveloped into a tight hug. Roxas stilled momentarily, the sudden assault catching him off guard.

“Don't worry, that's just Demyx. He's  quite... excitable.” Sora hummed, sliding a drink he’d made over to his brother. Roxas silently thanked him.

“Clearly… Could you stop suffocating me?” Roxas gritted his teeth, the rather tall man releasing him instantly. Demyx, unfazed, skipped over to behind the ebony bar, opposite to where Roxas was. Now  that he could comfortably breathe , Roxas could get a better look at Demyx, who was happily standing with a rather large grin on his face. He had quite attractive features, with strong, high cheekbones and a sharp jawline. His dirty blonde hair was styled into a  mullet with shaved sides, albeit at the back where it ended on the bridge of his collarbones. Small  strands fell in his face,  lengths varying from his eyebrow all the way down to his chin. He looked like the sort of person you might find modelling, those  chiseled , smooth looks the ones you’d  come across plastered on the front of a  high-end magazine.

“You're so cute!  _ So _ much cuter than Sora described, mind you. I just wanna hug you-”

“-Please don't , ” Roxas rebutted, sighing, while Demyx pouted. Although he looked like a model, he certainly didn’t act like one.  Roxas motioned to the drink. “What's this, anyway?”

“Black Death , ” Sora grinned. “I will warn you, it's strong. It's one of the new drinks that Reno introduced.”

“Reno?”

“The owner of this place. Reno Sinclair. He said he'd drop by, but I have no idea when.” He shrugged, leaning his elbows against the counter.

“I just hope he doesn't bring his brother.” Demyx pinched the bridge of his nose, small wrinkles forming as he frowned. “God, I know he's my room-mate – practically  _ best friend _ , but that guy can be an ass sometimes.”

“He's like a goddamn homicidal pyro firetruck.” Sora frowned.

Roxas managed to splutter out a reply when he'd finished laughing at the mental image. “A pyro  _ firetruck _ ?”

“He's got these,” Sora did wide motions over his head, “massive red spikes. So does Reno, but his are less wild. Anyone would think they’re twins.”

“Reno wouldn’t risk it. Last time he was here he set fire to the bar.” Demyx sighed, rolling his eyes , “Hence the 'pyro.' He always used to set things on fire when we were kids.”

Roxas let the two fall into animated conversation, a smirk playing at his lips.

At the time, he didn’t think to ask what  the brother’s name was.

-

“Sora talks a lot about you, y'know,” Demyx muttered, wiping the counter with a cloth. Sora had gone to clean the area upstairs, and the place was rather quiet, considering it was only midnight. They had a fair amount of customers that still stumbled down the stairs in a drunken haze, however. He swirled his straw around in the glass, the iced beverage long  melted, and the buzz of the alcohol  all but gone , making him feel drowsy, unfocused.

“I...” He took a deep sigh, pausing, choosing his words carefully. “I haven't seen the kid this happy since you woke up. You're all he's got now, and if I have to be honest I think you're the only thing that's been keeping him going this long.” The blonde had a serious tone to his voice, his  aquamarine eyes wholly focused on Roxas.

“I'm not going to do something that stupid again, trust me.” His voice cracked and he shut his eyes, resting his head on his arms, outstretched on the bar. Roxas wasn’t sure if he could even trust himself, the promise sounding like an empty lie.

“Let him in. He's your brother, not the enemy.”

“It's... not that easy.”

“Look, Sora hasn't told me much, but he's told me enough. You can't move on unless you let go of the past. Your brother has tried his  best, but he can't do it without you. I'm just giving you some advice here; take it or leave it, but all I wanna do is help-”

Demyx was cut off by the door opening roughly, his mouth popping open in surprise. Glancing at the exit , Roxas saw two men walk in, both with unruly red hair, talking amongst themselves. One of them had larger spikes, more pointed and casting out in all directions. He guessed that was Reno’s brother, or ' _ homicidal pyro firetruck. _ ' He was tall, dressed in casual clothes and had obviously made no effort to calm the spikes, unlike his brother, who had them slicked back. Pyro had teardrop-shaped tattoos underneath his blazing emerald eyes which, at the moment, were focused hard on the person in front of him. The other male must have been Reno, since the two looked identical, more so than he would’ve thought. He had similar tattoos to Pyro, but instead had red lines tracing his cheekbones, accentuating his face.

“And there he is, in all his glory, the infamous  _ Axel _ .”

“Axel?” Roxas spluttered in reply, surprise and shock coating his voice. Axel sighed, breaking his glare – and conversation – with Reno to turn to the source that disturbed him, but froze when he saw the blonde's face.

A mixture of confusion and surprise spread across his face, before he burst out with , “I thought you were dead.”

“You  two... Know each other?” Demyx seemed completely lost, looking between the two of them, a deep frown etched across his features.

“Axel… I heard him, while I was… in the coma.” Roxas' eyes locked with emerald again, and he could feel his gaze burning into him, studying him.

The blonde was interrupted by the sound of a glass shattering, seemingly from upstairs, or maybe it was Sora letting one slip through his fingers. He wasn't focused on Sora, though. The sound of glass breaking rang in his ears, repeating over and over, flashing images of Luna and her stone hard eyes. Stabbing. Repeatedly. He could feel himself shaking, his vision becoming blurry and all he could see or hear was her, taunting him ; all he could feel was the pain of the sharp glass cutting into him. He could barely breathe. He tried to focus on the hands that were holding him, a touch he could  scarcely feel, tried to focus on the faint voices that were calling his name, but to no avail. The pain became stronger, the images became more vivid, the threats became louder. Roxas could hear Sora speaking frantically, most of it  unintelligible ; he managed to make out the word 'flashback' before he felt himself go limp and his surroundings faded, fully immersing him in the memory.

_ “It's your fault Leon left.” _


	4. Ruby

_ The blonde was sitting cross-legged on his bed, a notebook sprawled out, filled with gibberish notes and scraps that he could never decipher. If either of them didn’t have perfect grades, she’d lash out at him. She was delusional. _

_ Though she never hit Sora.  _ _ For which he was thankful  _ _ –  _ _ Sora _ _ didn’t deserve that. It’s the one thought which kept him sane. _

_ Sora studied at Riku’s mostly. He was always the whiz kid when it came to algebra and science. _

_ Conveniently the ones  _ _ Roxas _ _ sucked at. _

_ Roxas, unlike Sora, wasn’t allowed out of the house often, so it became hard to keep up with everything. He snuck out at night, sure, but that was only to see Hayner, or, on occasion, Xemnas. He wouldn’t want to bring anyone back to their house anyway; the state of the house was awful. She rarely cleaned, unless she was in one of her lucid moments. _

_ He groaned, laying down on his back. The scientific equations he’d written out made no sense and his brain felt like it was going to explode. _

_ Roxas really didn’t want to fail another term all over again. He flinched at the memory previous. _

_ Luckily for him, the report cards were being delivered today. _

_ Roxas didn’t have to look to see if the mail had been delivered, however, because as he exited his room and descended downstairs, Luna was sitting at the table, a suspiciously strong alcoholic drink in one hand and his report card in the other. _

_ He attempted to slowly ascend back upstairs but a croaky voice called out his name rather harshly; he flinched, turning around to face blazing eyes. _

_ “What the fuck is this?” She held it up, waving it around a little in the air. He swallowed, knowing instantly he’d failed. Awaiting the punishment. _

_ “I-If you let me study more, I could have done better...” He regretted the words the instant they came out of his mouth, even more when she stood up with her bottle of vodka still in hand. _

_ His own damn fault, whatever was to come. _

_ “ _ Sora _ doesn’t need to study.” She wobbled as she walked over to him, taking another sip of the strong-smelling drink. “Smart kids don’t need to study. You’re just dumb, can’t even hold your own weight. It’s alright, at least I’ll have one smart child. Sora can go off and do something worthwhile, meanwhile I’ll just be stuck at home with you.” _

_ He kept a calm, passive mask on his face. Roxas knew better than to react around her, as any and all reaction could make her flip, and at least the punishment would be the least if he seemed not to care. Her words didn’t affect him, not any more. He’d gotten used to it, found it easy to ignore. Roxas didn’t hold one ounce of love towards her, not anymore, so the words had lost their edge a long time ago. _

_ “It’s your fault Leon left. He probably couldn’t handle having such a stupid kid. It’s your fault Luxord left too.” _

_ “I-I’m sorry-” Roxas rubbed the bruise on his arm, recalling, against his will, the amount of pain he went through only a couple of days ago. His head still throbbed from being hit against the wall. He couldn’t handle another beating so soon. _

_ “Apologies won’t bring back your father. We’d still be together...” The bottle collided with the table with a sickening crash, her angered eyes not noticing the drink spilling on the carpet, not noticing her precious vodka wasting away. Her eyes stayed locked with his, not budging, a challenge. Roxas couldn’t move; he was too frozen in fear. Frozen in the mask he had to keep, to preserve some ounce of safety. _

_ She brought up the part of the bottle she was holding, staring at it like it was her freedom, her salvation. She smiled, yellow, slightly-disfigured teeth protruding. _

_ A monster. _

_ Luna wasn’t fully there, mentally, not any more. She had very few moments of complete lucidity, short and bittersweet moments where they’d act like a family. _

_ Sometimes even seeing a certain flower or colour would send her over the edge again. _

_ “You deserve to feel my pain...” She let out a pained sob, a shriek that echoed through the empty house. He kept his face a mask of cold, mask of ice, eyes narrowed into slits. She could snap any minute. He’d be defenceless like always. _

_ Maybe she’d just cry it out then fall asleep. He could wish and wish, though it would never change the outcome. _

_ Hope was a funny thing. _

_ He closed his eyes, not wanting to see the broken glass any more. Glass was a weapon, one which she could use on him. _

_ Would use on him. She was edging closer, and closer, so near, a fingertip away- _

_ He flinched as she pushed one of the sharper cracks of the bottle into his arm, her long, boned fingers effortlessly dragging it down, causing pain, drawing blood. Clenching his teeth, he attempted to show no reaction, no pain, keeping that stone mask apparent as he felt his blood trickle down his shaking arm. _

_ He gasped as she dug it in deeper, his eyes finally snapping open in reaction to the pain. She was watching him, wanting to get a reaction out of him. She kept her angered gaze on his face, not wavering as she moved to his other arm. He could feel the blood dripping off his fingers, but he still didn’t move. Didn’t break that gaze. Didn’t attempt to stop her. _

_ He loudly yelped in surprise and pain as she stabbed the piece of glass into his leg without warning, causing him to lose his footing and slam onto the floor, skull colliding with the carpet. He laid there, resolve wavering, staring at the blood from his arm trickling onto the floor, the deep crimson colours flowing from his veins. _

_ “S-Stop.” Roxas looked up at her, making her freeze. “Please...” _

_ He could hear the front door opening, his view obstructed by her towering figure. He had to get up, had to stop her, she’d hurt him- _

_ She brought down the glass again, her eyes blazing, right into his cheek, mere inches from his eye. He howled in pain, the agony lancing  _ _ through _ _ his spine, head woozy as he lost consciousness, the world around him falling into darkness. _

-

He woke up in an unfamiliar room. The walls were closing in, blackness edging faster towards the edges of his vision, he felt like he was suffocating, couldn’t breathe-

_ “Roxas.” _

He stilled, breath halting, the sound of someone’s voice bringing him back to reality full force. That voice…too familiar, yet he couldn’t pinpoint it. Tugging at the faint pieces of his memory.

The source of the voice came into view and his breath caught in his throat as the voice connected with the face, mind caught up with his memories.  _ Axel. _

“Are you okay?”

At the sound of his name on a foreign person’s lips he’d frozen, effectively calming his erratic breathing.  _ Smart bastard. _

Axel did look concerned though, so Roxas gave him the best he could muster. A nod.

He didn’t expect a slightly exasperated laugh to burst from his chest mere seconds later.

“So you’re completely dandy? Do you  _ really _ expect me to believe that?”

“I’m fine.” Roxas glared at him, unable to keep eye contact for long before turning his glare to a random, uninteresting spot in the room, now sitting upright. Axel sighed deeply.

“Sheesh, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.” He rolled his eyes, pacing around the room. One that looked suspiciously like a  _ bedroom _ unlike his or Sora’s. “And here I thought you’d be happy to see the person that kept you company  in the hospital .”

“Honestly, what rational thought in your brain decided it was a good idea to attempt to befriend a  _ comatose _ patient?”

“I had my reasons.”

“Oh  _ wow _ ,” Roxas sneered, “that doesn’t sound ominous at all.”

“I’m not all horrible, Roxas. I figured that it might help you a little. I’m sure it’s fun being stuck in a coma with so many people to talk to.” Axel smirked, his eyes crinkling slightly at the corners. “Plus, it didn’t help you looked adorably cute.”

Roxas’ cheeks reddened. He took an uneasy look around him, more aware and awake than previously. “Where... am I?”

“My house. Well, if you want to get technical, you’re in my room, while Demyx lives here too, you can be rest assured I sleep  _ alone _ . Well, most of the time, anyway...”

His head whipped around towards Axel’s direction, eyes slightly widened.  _ “What?” _

“ _ Hey _ , can you blame me? I’m a guy, I have needs-”

_ “No,” _ Roxas shook his head, grimacing slightly. “I couldn’t be less bothered about your... _ sleeping habits _ . Why am I in your  _ room _ ?”

“Sora was working, said he needed the money. I offered to take you back to mine.” Axel put his hands up in mock surrender, spikes shifting behind his shoulders as he did so. “No funny business. I swear. I can take you home if you wish, now you’re awake.” He waggled his eyebrows. “ _ Unless _ you’d rather stay in my  _ humble abode _ .”

Roxas scoffed, copying Axel’s slightly rough accent. A wave of guilt at Sora needing more money than usual crashed over him. It was more than likely because of him - flats in downtown Twilight weren’t cheap. “Rather  _ not _ .”

“You’re just a little bundle of sass, aren’t you? Should I expect some show tunes to come bursting out too?”

“Just take me  _ home _ .” He moved off the bed, his exhaustion and irritability clearly showing as Axel’s face fell, before  the redhead motioned to the oak door.

“My pleasure.”

-

Axel had a motorbike.

Just when Roxas didn’t think he could get any more cliché.

Not that he was complaining, though. Roxas just grinned as he spotted it against the pavement, the street lamp ahead illuminating the shimmer which seemed to run along it. He’d rode his first motorcycle a year after he’d  started seeing Xemnas, the man having his own shiny collection of vehicles that he seemingly didn’t mind letting Roxas scratch. As long as he was paid back in return – and not with  _ money _ , either.

Although he didn’t have a licence he  _ could _ drive, and only had Xemnas to thank.

“Your carriage awaits.” Axel grinned, holding out a plain black helmet in Roxas’ direction, their fingers skimming as he passed it over. Axel slid an identical one over his messy, tied-back spikes, small hints of red poking out from the black. Which, Roxas had to admit, wasn’t an…  _ unattractive _ feature.

“You’re such a typical rebel. Motorbike, tattoos and all. Let me guess, your leather jacket’s at the dry cleaners?” Roxas smirked back as he slid  the helmet on, the motorbike roaring to life seconds after Axel sat down.

“Oh,  _ blondie _ .” Axel sighed, motioning for Roxas to get on with a tap to the seat. He obliged. “My leather jacket is saved for special occasions, obviously.”

He didn’t ask how Axel knew directions to his house, nor attempt to start any conversation between the two as the redhead drove closer and closer to their apartment block – not until an unanswered thought popped into his mind.

“Hey, Axel?” The redhead hummed in response. “Why did you think I was dead?”

“Well,” Axel sighed, pausing as he turned a corner, the bike skimming against the air as he did so, weaving in and out of the cars that littered the road. “When I went to visit you, a couple days ago, actually, you were gone. The bed was completely empty. You can’t judge me for jumping to conclusions.  So, when I saw you, I guess it just kind of... slipped out.”

“What, no emotion towards the guy you made such great friends with?”

Axel chuckled, the vibration reverberating  through his back as Roxas leant against and gripped his torso. “Would you get too attached to somebody in your situation?”

“I wouldn’t talk to somebody that was in my situation. Do I really  _ look _ like a people person?” He retorted as Axel pulled up outside the apartment block, vehicle skidding to an abrupt stop and spluttering when the redhead removed the key from the ignition. Roxas took that as a sign to  _ let go _ of Axel, and his hands quickly released, the lack of body heat hitting him as soon as he stepped free from the bike.

Not that he’d mention the drop in his stomach at that.

No, instead he just silently tugged his spikes free of the helmet, Axel following suit, his red locks springing free almost comically. Axel just carried on smirking without a word, though he couldn’t tell if that was because of his retort earlier or the fact he had a bad case of helmet hair. Or both.

“How flattering to know that even if you saw a drop dead gorgeous redhead like myself lying in a hospital bed, on the  _ brink of death _ , just wanting some cute, innocent little blonde to talk to him, you wouldn’t grant a dying man’s wish. Harsh.” Axel feigned hurt, dramatically putting his arm against his forehead.

“You wish you were drop dead gorgeous.” The blonde muttered, gasping in surprise when Axel stood up and pulled Roxas up by his chin, almost pressing their faces together within a matter of seconds. Their height difference was proving to be larger than he originally thought as the taller male had to lean down slightly to reach his face, his back arched, while Roxas had to stand on the tips of his toes; his mind went completely and utterly  _ blank _ for once in his life.

That alone stunned him enough to conform to silence.

“Oh?” Axel breathed, making Roxas shiver as he felt the hot breath against his lips, their faces almost touching, his skin hypersensitive to the grazed touch of Axel’s fingers still held underneath his chin, the breath that seemed to remain unsteady. Before Roxas could ponder to pull away or not, the redhead abruptly stepped back, a massive grin on his face. “Guess I’ll just have to keep this ass to myself then!”

_ “Asshole.” _ He scowled, turning away from Axel to walk to his building. His face felt like it was on fire; he was certain that Axel could see the blush. Before he could get away from him, however, said person grabbed his wrist and pulled him back, leaning down to his ear.

“I was right, y’know. I won the bet, because your eyes are more beautiful than I’d imagined.”

-

Sora absent-mindedly wiped the counter, his mind on his brother, currently with a man he wasn’t sure he could  _ trust _ . He was still sceptical about their relationship to each other, but his mind was too focused on other things to dwell on that.

He wished he could’ve stopped their mother, all those years she kept  _ hurting _ him, causing him so much emotional and physical pain, while he just cried, cried for years, having no idea what to do apart from hide and  _ cry _ . He was never the strong one. He felt guilty that he’d brought that back to him; Sora hadn’t thought of how much more Roxas would be affected than he was, how much more he was having to go through. He hadn’t thought that Roxas would still be silently struggling.

Sora didn’t notice it was late already; the bar was meant to close, though he kept on wiping that same spot, too lost in thought.

_ “You need to fucking stop this, Mom! It’s going too far now!” _

_ “I don’t care-” _

_ “I do! I can’t sit back and let you keep doing this to Roxas. You’re going to end up killing him one day.” _

_ “I-” Her face fell. “He- Ventus...” _

He’d tried to do some digging up of this so called ‘Ventus,’ but Mom had never said anything else that day and he never got the chance to ask again. His gaze hardened. She’d just cried into his arms. Sora knew she was troubled; he was too scared, too  _ weak _ to ever say anything, but something must’ve caused her to be like that.  _ Something _ , or someone.

-

Roxas awoke to the sun  gleaming bright in his eyes, mind free of dreams or nightmares.

He felt awake for the first time in a  _ long _ time.

Next to him an alarm clock illuminated a clear four in the afternoon. Roxas rubbed his eyes free of sleep, yawning as he raised himself from his bed, stretching.

It felt so… mundane.

The apartment was surprisingly empty, a strange silence filling his ears. The only sound was his bare feet padding against the floor as he made his way to the bathroom, grabbing clean clothes on his way.

Minutes later the water descending from the shower pounded against his back, Roxas relishing in the warmth as the heat eased his tense muscles, the muscles that still held the soreness of not being used, limbs still adapting. After about an hour of mindlessly thinking to himself and relaxing under the soothing pressure of the water, he quickly washed his hair and body and stepped out, feeling ultimately  _ refreshed _ . His mind felt slightly clearer, not having the usual cloud of a flashback following him.

It felt… good.

As he stepped out of the shower, his hair dripping water against the tiles, he glanced at himself in the mirror, cocking his head to the side at the alien face staring back at him. His face seemed much less dull, less sharp and malnourished than previous, and slightly more rounded yet with the edges that puberty had seemingly granted him late. The once purple, hallow bags under his eyes weren’t so dark, weren’t so horribly  _ sunken _ . His usual naturally-spiked hair was hanging limp at his shoulders from his shower – it had grown  considerably in the amount of time he’d been in a coma, the short spikes adorning his round face a distant memoir. His face was slightly longer, jaw more defined, a less childish look that he was seemingly known for. While Sora had kept his younger, boyish looks, it had seemed he hadn’t. It was like looking at a stranger, so familiar yet so unknown.

Roxas scowled at the scar on his cheek, one which was easily hidden by his spikes when he styled it the right way, the only way he ever seemed to lately. It had healed better than he’d hoped, but a thin white line still stood out menacingly, unmissable. They’d more than likely stitched it up while he was  in the hospital , as well as his legs and arms, as those weren’t as gaping as he would’ve expected. While the ones on his arms, both self-inflicted and from the glass, had healed almost completely, only thin lines in their place- the one on his leg had not. It was jagged, bright pink, and... ugly.

Though he didn’t focus too much on the thick, white lines which ran over his wrists.

Shaking the wandering thoughts away he towel dried his hair and, after some thought, tied his hair up loosely, the white, slightly jagged scar visible and clear.

The thought of anyone seeing that scar didn’t scare him as much as it might have done before.

That same thought had him slipping on a short-sleeved shirt as he left the bathroom.


	5. Vermillion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! Been super busy with work and was on holiday last weekend so I didn't get this finished until now.  
> Thank you all so much for the kind reviews! I honestly smile a little whenever I read one and they're all super appreciated!!

The weeks passed by steadily, familiarly, and routine setting in as winter drew nearer, frost settling in the windowpanes and an icy chill running through the air. Roxas adjusted to the normalcy slightly more by the day, his bedroom becoming less of a retreat and more of a place he just went to  _ sleep. _

His second appointment with Aerith went smoother. Instead of talking about touchy subjects they animatedly talked about his  _ interests,  _ mixing in a few details of his worries too. Mainly how  _ she  _ still hung over his shoulders, his stubbornness, and refusal to open up.

Aerith seemed happy he didn’t lash  out in a violet frenzy this time, at least. He noticed that the air felt tense as he arrived, though by the end, she was laughing and talking as calmly as she was before. Although he’d never admit it he was glad she was so understanding. It was…  _ nice  _ to have somebody to talk to that wasn’t hovering over his shoulder every day.

Roxas often accompanied Sora to the bar, lessening the daily boredom by helping out when it was relatively quiet. Although it often resulted in  spilt drinks and multiple trips , he began to enjoy it, noticing the surprised, yet happy looks Sora would often throw in his direction.

Axel began to stop by more and more, much to his dismay. His excuse was the same every time, ‘ _ Oh, hey Roxie! I was just in the neighbourhood-’ _ , which often resulted in an exaggerated eye-roll from the blonde. To his credit, even Demyx shrugged at his unusual behaviour. The ‘unexpected’ visits whenever Roxas was present paired with his constant flirtations would often get Sora teasing them about the nature of their ‘relationship.’ Roxas’ reply was always the same dismissal.

The first time he’d broken a glass in the bar, the material shattering as it made contact with the floor, he didn’t move, nor make a sound. Axel had appeared by his side within seconds, Roxas not even noticing the initial movement, and hooked his finger under Roxas’ chin, forcing him to stare into those  _ intense  _ green eyes, ones that held his gaze so captively that it grounded him to the spot.

“You’re  _ here.  _ Not  _ there.”  _ Axel’s voice seemed so uncharacteristically soft, no hint of underlying cockiness. “Wherever you think you are, you’re not. You’re with me. See?” He brushed Roxas’ shaking fingertips, smiling softly when the blonde didn’t pull away. Roxas just swallowed, his eyes moving to the glass on the floor and back up to Axel’s face. Shaken, yet completely lucid.

He opened his mouth to say something – his original thought was  _ thank you,  _ though his mind seemed to be struggling to catch up, never mind  thinking to reply with a sarcastic retort – when Demyx walked in, stopping in his tracks when he noticed the two,  whose fingers were interlinked. Roxas seemed to notice at that point too because he hastily broke apart from the redhead, moving away in search  of a brush to clear up the mess. Demyx just raised his eyebrow, sceptical yet curious, and continued what he was doing.

The second time he flinched. The sound didn’t repeat in his ears, nor send unwanted images into his head, nor send shooting pain down his spine.

The third had him a sobbing mess out in the back, Sora consoling him for three hours. Axel hadn’t been present, and it was slow enough for Demyx to manage on his own.

The fourth time, he sat on the floor, at his apartment, a glass in his hand.

Just… a glass.

He let it slip from his fingers,  watching it shatter the moment it touched the floor, the sound echoing over the empty apartment. It was just a noise. Nothing else.

He picked up another cheap, plain glass from beside him.  _ Crash. _

It was nothing. It could  _ do  _ nothing. It held no power over him and he wouldn’t let it. Not  anymore .

-

It was a couple of weeks before Christmas when Sora dragged both Riku and Roxas to the nearby mall, albeit reluctantly. He didn’t offer an explanation to the two about what they were actually  _ doing,  _ though Roxas could guess.

After all, he did know his brother. Which only proved true when Sora turned to him as they arrived, his eyes shining with a glint that he knew a _ ll too well. _

_ Christmas shopping. _

He was indifferent to festive holidays. Having never been a big deal in the past, all he could do was plaster a fake smile on his face and trail behind with Riku,  whose mind seemed to be on other things. He didn’t pry.

They wandered around the busy mall for  a while , snooping inside random shops – of which Sora was the only one who took an interest to anything inside – before he made a suggestion to grab something to eat. Both of the other males agreed, for once. Eating meant that they could stop looking at the same old shop over and over again for a while.

It was only when a  high-pitched squeal pierced his ears did he pay attention to where he was, or for that matter,  _ who  _ he was with.

A wave of guilt rushed over him as he noticed the two girls he once considered his best friends, grown up yet still adorned with childhood innocence, two girls that hadn’t even crossed his mind since he’d woken up. He hadn’t even  _ asked  _ why they weren’t around.

“ _ Sora?!”  _ Kairi squealed, her now slightly darker, longer hair a red blur as she  _ pounced  _ on Sora, enveloping him in a tight hug,  giggles echoing throughout the cafe they’d entered previously. Roxas, for a slight moment, thought of Axel looking at her deep red locks.

Riku stood next to him, wordless, his head – and gaze – averted to the wall next to him. Roxas frowned at his attitude, glancing to Sora’s direction again, only for  Naminé to look in his direction at the same time too, their gazes falling upon each other. She let out a slight gasp, her hand reaching upwards to cover her mouth, eyes wide.

“ _ Roxas?” _

At the sound of his name escaping her lips Kairi looked in Roxas’ direction too, her eyes almost mirroring  Naminé’s . Her features traversed from shock, surprise, and delight, only to settle on anger, anger at  _ Sora,  _ releasing him from the embrace _.  _ Roxas bit his lip nervously.

What he was  _ not  _ expecting was for Kairi to whack him on the back of the head, her eyes practically glowing. He didn’t retort back, nor try to argue, though. Sora just looked guilty.

“You  _ dimwit!  _ Why didn’t you tell us he was awake? Were you even  _ planning  _ to tell us?” Kairi scowled, moving towards Roxas, though she still pointed her finger menacingly at his brother.

“Look, Kairi, why don’t we focus on the fact that Roxas is actually  _ awake?”  _ Naminé sighed, standing up but making no move to stray from their table. Kairi muttered some rather un-Kairi-like words before she stomped up to Roxas, eyebrow cocking upwards as she took him in – mainly his increase in height.

“Is it really  _ you?”  _ She sounded slightly dubious, eyebrows furrowing.

Roxas nervously chuckled. “I like to think so.”

Kairi gasped in response, hands flying up to her mouth. “Your  _ voice!  _ Good on ya, Roxas! Now you actually sound like a man!”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Kai.”

Anger seemingly forgotten about, she stalked back to Sora, a grin popping back on her face yet again. “I missed you so  _ much.” _

Whatever had gone on previous had obviously been wiped from the brunette’s mind too as he didn’t hesitate to fall into conversation, not at all noticing Riku’s  disdain and hesitation, leaning against a nearby wall and seeming disinterested. Roxas could see, though, that  _ something  _ was bothering him.

Naminé followed his line of sight and nudged him, taking his hand in hers and leading him out of the door.

“By the look on your face you need some things  cleared up, huh?”  Naminé spoke as she released his hand, twirling around on the spot to face him as they stood outside the cafe, just out of view of the others.

“Why did it seem like you four haven’t interacted since I last saw you?”

“Because, Roxas, we  _ haven’t.”  _ She sighed exasperatedly, biting her lip. “To no fault of your own, I assure you. It’s a long story, so I can either tell you the long or the short version… preferably out of earshot of  _ them  _ if it’s the former.”

“I’ve got time.” Roxas shrugged, falling into step with  Naminé as they began to walk away from the area. “I’d like to fill in the gaps of the past year too, if that’s alright with you. Sora hasn’t been too forthcoming with the details.”

The one thing about  Naminé he’d always loved was that she never sugar coated anything. She was the nicest girl you’d ever meet, not a slight inch of malice to her, yet she understood that some things just needed to be  _ said. _

“Riku was the one to tell us that you’d been taken  to the hospital . He was probably the strongest one out of all of us, mind you. Though you could still tell… he’d been hit, badly. Sora was with him when it all happened, so I think at the time, he blamed himself.

“Hayner left without a word. That was the last time I ever saw him.  _ Anyone  _ saw him. The rest of us – me, Kairi, Pence and Olette – went straight to see you, and when we arrived, were told you weren’t allowed visitors due to how  _ unstable  _ you were. They had to pump your stomach among things, and when we finally found Sora, pacing down the halls… he refused to see us. Kairi and Sora had a fight and… he told her to ‘fuck off’ because he didn’t need our sympathy, or our pity.

“For the sake of Sora, we agreed. He had Riku for support and he didn’t need the added stress of us there… The weeks went on. Sora still refused to let us visit. Word had gotten out what Hayner had done and, for a long while, we were just waiting for that day when he’d barge into the Usual Spot. He never did though. One day Kairi decided to confront Riku, as there was no need to  _ fight  _ and  _ fight  _ when you were just fighting for your life in the hospital, all alone. So, she did. And in a spit of anger,  during an argument, she blurted out that the only reason why Riku was following Sora around like a lost puppy, putting up with his every whim, was because he was in love with him. School ended, and we never saw either of them until today. Pence and Olette moved shortly after. Our group just… split apart.”

“All because of me, it seems.”

“Roxas,  _ no.”  _ Naminé rolled her eyes. “If anything, you were the glue holding us together. We’re one step closer to being reunited already, and that’s all because of  _ you.” _

Roxas chuckled, looking at his feet absent-mindedly as they carried on down the street, various shoppers passing them by. Riku’s disapproval… “Did… they tell you anything about why Hayner did what he did? Why… I did what  _ I  _ did?”

Naminé shook her head, shrugging slightly. “I always had my suspicions, but I never pried. I still won’t… if you’re willing to tell me, then I’ll listen. If not, then that’s your secret to hold.”

She deserved the truth, and that was the least he could give. The words felt like blades as they passed through his throat, clogging up his senses, and part of him just wanted to stop, to never speak of Luna again, to just push it away to the back of his mind and let those memories rot with her.

Though he didn’t stop.

Because she deserved the truth.

-

Hours later, as the apartment was dead silent, each soul slumbering, Roxas was rudely awoken by his phone buzzing against the night-stand.

He groaned, grabbing one of his pillows and twisted around to face the wall, mind still half asleep in vague dreams of nothing decipherable.

Each consequent buzz dragged him out of a layer of sleep until he was awake enough to swear, sitting up and roughly snatching the phone away, glaring at the screen.

_ Unknown, Received at 2:11AM - Hey Roxie!! _

_ Unknown – Roxaaaaaas _

_ Unknown – R _

_ Unknown – O _

_ Unknown – X _

_ Unknown – A _

_ Unknown – S _

_ Unknown, Received at 2:24AM - Wake up already, will ya? _

He sighed, the  owner of the number clear as day. Only one man would incessantly bother him at two in the morning. He quickly added the contact before typing a reply.

_ Roxas – Do I need to file for a restraining order? _

His phone buzzed again not ten seconds later.

_ Axel – chill, blondie. Got your attention, didn’t I? _

_ Roxas – how did you get my number, by the way? _

_ Axel – a very trusted, reliable source _

_ Axel – by that I mean Demyx _

Roxas rolled his eyes as he typed back a reply, a yawn slipping from his throat.

_ Roxas – what do you want? _

_ Axel – all fun and sunshine, aren’t you, Roxie? Maybe I’m talking to the wrong twin. Sora’s _

_ much nicer than you _

_ Roxas – you’d have to compete with Riku there _

_ Axel – oh ho o, you must tell me all this gossip _

_ Roxas – not in the middle of the night _

_ Roxas – going back to sleep. Goodnight, Axel. _

_ Axel – wait _

_ Axel – come to mine tomorrow _

_ Axel – demyx is planning a party. bring who you want. Sora knows where we live _

_ Axel – sweet dreams, sunshine _

_ Roxas – stop with the nicknames already. I’ll think about it _

_ Roxas – not that I’ll have a choice if Sora is involved _

Roxas didn’t give Axel further time to argue, shutting his phone off and returning to the warmth of his bed, the comfort of his pillow.

A party didn’t sound like a horrible idea.

-

Roxas would forever regret thinking that the night before.

Sora, seemingly now on good terms with Kairi, had invited both her and  Naminé to come along with them. While Kairi was the one to sprint up to the door with Sora,  Naminé trailed behind with Roxas, looking almost anxiously at the house which emanated loud music and chatter. Riku, tagging behind aimlessly, wasn’t trying to hide his dissatisfaction towards Kairi this time. Roxas wondered if anger and alcohol was a good mix. Probably not.

It didn’t take long for the door to swing open after Sora knocked. Demyx seemed chipper, as always, a wide grin splitting out as his eyes beheld the group.

“I see he managed to convince you to come along, eh?” He directed at Roxas, winking. Demyx then smiled at the two girls,  standing behind him. “The more the merrier, right Ax?”

Right on cue, the redhead emerged from what must have been the kitchen, a red cup in one hand and a slice of pizza dangling from his mouth. He hummed a sound of agreement before disappearing into another room, music flowing from within. Demyx just rolled his eyes, gesturing for them to enter.

Not a few seconds later was Roxas pushed against the wall by an erratic blonde, who instantly turned around, hands resting dramatically on her face.

“ _ Shit!  _ Are you okay?” Her multicoloured braids fell across her head as she tilted her head to the side, studying him. “You look familiar… what’s your name?”

“...Roxas.” He cocked an eyebrow upwards, expression growing even more confused when her face blossomed with a grin.

“So,  _ you’re  _ the kid who’s been causing quite a bit of a stir? Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone to make an enemy out of Larxene before she’s even  _ met  _ them… But you’re so  _ cute!  _ I can see why-” She was cut off abruptly by Demyx grabbing her arm and pulling her away from her close proximity to Roxas, despite her pleas otherwise.

“Rikku, I think you might be coming on a  _ bit  _ too strong. And that’s coming from  _ me.” _

Riku snickered briefly  from his position on the porch.

“ _ Uh… _ who the hell is  _ Larxene?”  _ Roxas furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. “And  _ how  _ are we enemies? What is this, third grade?”

Rikku laughed nervously, Demyx rolling his eyes in exasperation. “You’ll meet  _ Larxene  _ later. And I wouldn’t call you enemies – Rikku here is just being over dramatic, as always.”

“ _ Over dramatic? Me?  _ Says the guy who practically cannonballs into people he’s seen ten minutes ago! You  _ hypocrite!” _

“Stop freaking Roxas out then!”

“Does he  _ look  _ scared to you?!”

Roxas and Sora both shared a look of vague bafflement before deciding to ease  around the two, entering whatever room Axel had previously gone off to, leaving Demyx and Rikku to their seemingly endless debate. All about him, no less.

It wasn’t a massively crowded room. Various people leant up against the walls as they talked animatedly, a few people dancing along to the music, similar red cups in hand. Roxas beelined towards the drinks and began pouring himself a sinister looking concoction that he hoped would get him drunk.  _ Hoped _ .

It didn’t take him long to find Axel amongst the flurry of unfamiliar people.

“I was surprised you actually came.” Axel grinned as he stood parallel to him, backs up against the brick wall. Roxas tipped his head back as the booze ran down his throat, burning  its way through his veins.

“What gave that impression? The fact I  _ didn’t want to?” _

“So, I see you brought your sass with you today, eh? Nice Roxas not want to come out to play?” Axel pouted, his eyes focused aimlessly on the small crowd.

“I never want to hear ‘Roxas’ and ‘play’ in the same sentence ever again.” Roxas scrunched his nose up in disgust. “Especially not from you.”

“ _ Always  _ have to ruin my blondie involving fun, don’t you?”

“So it’s  _ blondes _ you’ve got a creepy obsession with? Wait till I introduce you to  _ Naminé _ .” Roxas tutted, eyes rolling.

“You were saying?”  Naminé spoke softly from beside him, making herself known to Roxas, who began to chuckle awkwardly, a smile blooming on his face. Axel raised an eyebrow, staying silent.

“Just discussing how you’d fit nicely into Axel’s blondie fetish.”

Naminé screwed up her nose in a similar fashion to Roxas’ earlier. “I’ll pass, thank you very much.”

“Aww, turned down by two blondes in one night? How will I cope without the fulfillment of my obvious fetish?” Axel sighed, shaking his head. “Time to wallow in my blonde-less life,

drowning my sorrows with cheap booze.”

“Is melodramatic your middle name?”

“Nah, it’s Lea.” Axel spoke nonchalantly, smirking when he saw Roxas’ bafflement. “Axel Lea Sinclair. Got it memorized?”

“Your parents must be a fan of the unordinary.”

Axel shrugged. “Wouldn’t know.”

“Are you…?” Roxas frowned, head cocking to the side. Although he knew better than to assume, nothing about Axel seemed to radiate that he was an orphan. Despite all that, he seemed  _ happy.  _ Roxas couldn’t help feeling slightly jealous.

Axel nodded in response, shrugging. “An orphan? Yeah. Can’t miss what I’ve never had.”

Although his face seemed passive, his stance unassuming, nothing about him even giving off a hint of a lie – Roxas could tell, under that mask, that that wasn’t all there was to it. Roxas knew the pain of an absent parent, and he only had one.

-

“ Truth , or  _ dare,  _ Sora?” Kairi giggled, her drink splashing slightly on the floor as she waved her hand around to point at the brunette.

“Dare!” The brunette sat excitedly, Riku lounging back beside him, drink in hand. It was well into the early hours of the morning and a lot of the party-goers had left, the small group remaining currently crowded around a small coffee table with an empty bottle of vodka resting in

the middle.

“I dare you… to kiss  _ Axel.”  _ Kairi howled in laughter as Sora’s face turned pink, the male next to him spluttering mid-sip of his beer, the liquid sloshing around violently in the bottle. Axel cocked his eyebrow upwards in surprise, gaze quickly slipping from Kairi to Roxas, gauging a reaction unbeknownst to the blonde he was watching,  whose lips curved upwards slightly.

“ _ No!  _ Truth!! I don’t want to kiss Roxie’s  _ Axel!”  _ Sora wailed, causing a growl to surface from

Roxas.

“ _ Roxie’s who?” _

“Oh come  _ oooon  _ Roxas, not even Hayner could make you smile like Axel does!” Kairi slurred, the atmosphere in the room seeming to shift to deadly silent.

“Hayner, eh?” Larxene purred, her nails tapping against her glass. “Do  _ spill.” _

Roxas sighed. Time to discuss the elephant in the room.

Or, avoid it like he always did. The latter seemed more desirable.

He’d met Larxene, to his dismay, a few hours previous. She took one look at him, tutted, then walked away. Roxas was too baffled to respond, nor think about the words Rikku had spoken.

“Drop it Larxene.” Demyx met her gaze with a warning version of his own, causing her to roll her eyes in response.

“Alright, whatever,  guess I touched a nerve there, you poor boy _.  _ Let’s continue with this stupid game before I die of boredom.”

Rikku, who was sitting opposite from Roxas, moved closer to the bottle and spun it, various bracelets on her arms jingling slightly. It landed on a pink haired man called Marluxia, one who was almost falling asleep against the couch. He didn’t look all that thrilled to be pulled into the game, mainly by the utter  expression of dismay on his face.

“Oh joy.” He muttered, crossing his arms. “Dare. I hope you know I’m only here for the alcohol.”

Rikku pondered for a few seconds, her finger tapping her chin in thought, before exiting the room, coming back moments later with something behind her back. “I dare you... to take a shot of ketchup, mixed with a drink of your  _ choice _ .” She revealed the red bottle from behind her back, handing it to the stunned male. Roxas cringed slightly as Marluxia stared at the bottle for a few seconds before reluctantly pouring some into a shot glass and adding an unknown, dark, sickly smelling drink. He raised up the glass, face to face with  its contents, before turning to Rikku again.

“This is… fucking disgusting, Rikku.” He grimaced before tipping it back, coughing as it ran down his throat. “...You have the  _ s _ trangest dares.”

“Awww, did Marly want an easy dare?” Axel teased, pouting as he poured some cheap, off brand drink into an empty glass. Roxas had noticed how he’d steadily been drinking throughout the night, yet he hadn’t  seemed affected in the slightest. Roxas, however, was starting to feel vaguely tipsy, his head beginning to spin.

“My turn.” Axel announced with a coy smile. He spun the bottle, watching as it landed on  Naminé , his smile widening.  _ Oh no. _

“So,  Naminé .” Roxas just knew, from that  _ look,  _ his tone of voice, the way he was looking at  Naminé , curled up next to Roxas, with an intense stare that made his eyes seem to glow. It wasn’t anger, not in the slightest, but… jealousy? Annoyance? “Truth, or Dare? _ ” _

“T-Truth.”  Naminé stuttered, her eyes widening. Roxas shook his head, pouring himself another drink. He had a feeling he might need it.

“How long have you had a crush on Roxas over here? Or, should I word it better; how long have the two of you been together?” The last word oozed venom, quite so that it shocked the blonde, a strangled cough escaping his throat.

Naminé flushed, stuttering a response that she couldn’t quite make out. Everyone else seemed too shocked, Kairi radiating  _ anger,  _ apart from Larxene who was grinning like a feral cat.

Marluxia had passed out previously.

A couple more seconds passed, mostly with Roxas glaring at Axel, before  Naminé managed to coherently stutter out a ‘ _ what? _ ’; Axel snorted in reply, that incessant smug smirk still on his lips.

“It’s obvious the way you look at him,  Naminé . No point in hiding it.”

“That’s enough, Axel.” Demyx warned, closing his eyes in exasperation. “You really don’t think, do you?”

“You’re horrible, you know that?” Roxas scowled, frowning. “Really  _ fucking  _ horrible.”

“All part of my charm, Roxas _.  _ Why don’t you console your soon-to-be crying girlfriend? I’m sure she needs attention after that ordeal.”

“She’s not my girlfriend-”  Naminé put a hand on his shoulder, cutting him off mid-sentence, a silent ‘ _ It’s okay, just ignore him, _ ’ though he ignored it.

Axel didn’t get time to respond before an angry, shaking fist clashed with his jaw, a sickening crunch; Roxas was seeing red. He knew,  _ later _ , he’d probably regret punching the redhead, but at that current moment nothing gave him more pleasure than knocking that cocky grin away. And he thought he could consider Axel a friend, albeit a frustrating one.

Axel’s Roxie.

Was Sora blind?

He didn’t notice he was crying until he’d found and locked himself in an upstairs cupboard, taking advantage of the fact everyone was too stunned at his retaliation to react. The tears leaked fast and hot, splashing on his hands, and he looked at them with a mixture of disbelief and despair.

He’d…  _ punched  _ Axel.

Why was he  spiraling so far out of control?

-

_ Roxas yawned, opening his eyes to a white room filled with white furniture. Light streamed through the curtains, illuminating the room in bright light _ . _ He was laying in his bed, and somehow he’d gotten from Axel’s house to home. _

_ He didn’t dwell on it. _

_ The blonde pulled back the covers, stretching. It was stunningly sunny outside, unusual for December, but it didn’t bother him. He felt unusually content. Happily content. _

_Roxas stood up easily, like sleep had never claimed him,_ _walking towards the door that seemed to get further away with every step. He was close to the door-handle, fingers reaching out to grasp it and turn, fingertips skimming the metal, when a voice stopped him in his tracks, yanking him away, shivers running down his spine_. _Slowly turning around, he froze when he saw Luna standing upright, directly across from him_ , _smiling. Her hair looked dead, her eyes hallowed. No change to when he’d last seen her._

_ “You thought you could get away?” She walked towards him, her gaze never leaving his, full of ice and malice _ . _ “Even in death, you’ll never be rid of me. Stupid boy.” Roxas flinched when she ran a finger alongside his jaw, her skin rough and fingers calloused _ . _ Her hair was more like straw than anything else, every slight movement making it run against her protruding collarbones. _

_ “Maybe I’ll even go after Sora this time. Give him his share.” _

_He lunged at Luna in sheer rage, and fear, fear for her touching Sora, fear for her even laying a single finger on him, but she moved quicker than he could track. Quicker than should be humane. In a flash she was behind him, pulling him up by his hair, snarling in his ear, her teeth grazing his ear like needles._ _She kicked his back, hard, sending him down to the floor, whimpering in pain._

_ “Useless.” A kick to the stomach. “Worthless.” She spat on his face. “Pathetic.” She punched his jaw as he attempted to get up, to get away _ , _ causing blood to fly out of his mouth, a possible cracked tooth _ . _ She kept hitting and kicking, over and over again, the words cutting into him, slicing through his flesh, echoing the movements he’d found himself doing those months and months ago, thoughts swirling around in his brain. Cutting off his circulation. His only way to  _ breathe _. Roxas curled up into a ball, trying to shield his head, groaning and whimpering each time she caused pain, breaths coming in deep and quick, unable to just  _ breathe-

_ It seemed to go on for hours, to the point the blonde just laid there, taking it, his eyes unfocused. Luna stopped suddenly, body chilling, though he didn’t move. She  _ _ knelt _ _ in his direction, jabbing his ribs and forcing him to roll over, to face her, to  _ look  _ at her. _

_ “What, gonna run to your little boyfriend now?” _


	6. Azure

He awoke to darkness, a faint wail slipping from his throat as his surroundings refused to make sense, recent memories resting under the foggy layers of sleep. After his heavy breathing had ceased and his eyes began to  become accustomed to the darkness, noticing a faint stretch of light at the edge of his vision, those memories clicked into place. He was in a cupboard, in a house he didn’t know, with people who had just seen him punch Axel.  _ Great. _

Shuffling himself around, wincing at his stiff neck, Roxas felt around his surroundings and eventually found a door handle above the slight crack of light. Gingerly applying pressure, he opened the door and climbed out, relief running through his limbs as they stretched out of confinement.

The hallway was, thankfully, empty.

A small amount of light was glaring into the room from the outside street-light, faint cobwebs of branches casting shadows along the floor and walls. He shivered, from both the chill to the air and the remnants of his nightmare. Each word felt like a knife to his chest, clogging his head up with  self-hatred .

He needed some air.

Stumbling quietly down the hallway, he tiptoed down the stairs, peering through the gap towards the living room. He could make out the silhouettes of sleeping figures, chests rising in sync as they steadily breathed in their sleep. The house was quiet, and from what he could tell, nobody was awake.

The front door was open and closed, silently, within seconds. Then he was out into the fresh air, the crisp chill, the mind clearing breeze which was beginning to dissipate the fog. He trailed his hand on the outside brick of the house, feeling the grooves and bumps, grounding him further. Roxas let his hand slip and lowered himself to the floor, raising the hood of his hoodie upwards to conceal his spikes, wrapping the material around himself further as his eyes slipped shut. The breeze ran across his face comfortingly, a soft caress calming every sense.

Despite that the words still swam in his mind, the ghost of the kicks and punches crawling under his skin, discomfort inching through his veins. Those moments, the ones where he thought he was finally free, never lasted.

He should be okay. He  _ should  _ be free of fear, because she wasn’t around  anymore , right? He didn’t have to fear leaving the house, didn’t have to constantly watch his back anymore, didn’t have to live in fear of even  _ breathing. _

So why wasn’t the feeling of pure  _ suffocation  _ going away?

It was like he was waiting for her to reappear, to finish him off, to end what she’d begun long ago. He was  _ terrified,  _ especially when he’d wake up in the dead of night and all he could see was her face, and all he could think about was the pain she’d inflict.

He almost missed the sound of the front door opening , but he still managed to register it in the back of his mind, raising his head to see two figures completely unaware  of his presence . Light footsteps could be heard, though they didn’t falter as they came further into view.

“Come on Axel, let’s have some fun, like we used to.” Larxene’s voice  _ oozed  _ with such a sickly-sweet tone he felt like gagging. “Remember how good we were together?”

A strange tightness blossomed in his chest. Axel and Larxene used to be an  _ item? _

“Larxene...” Axel’s voice expressed  reluctance, exhaustion . He gazed at her with a slight yearning, though that was soon replaced by reservation, disgust. “There is no me and you  anymore . There  was barely anything in the first place.”

“Oh? You were more than begging me the last time we saw each other. Any reason why you’ve been ignoring me, hm?” She narrowed her eyes. “It’s been months.”

Axel hissed, “Can’t you get no into that small head of yours?”

“Oh, I get it! It’s Roxas, isn’t it?” She practically cackled, “Just imagine my surprise when Demyx mentions there’s a party and I see you drooling over a cute little blonde of all things?”

For the first time since he’d laid eyes on Axel, it was only now that he really saw him as intimidating. The comparative differences between their heights weren’t helping towards it, though regardless of that, Axel’s eyes seemed alight with annoyance, a menacing glare which even made Larxene falter a slight amount.

It seemed to finally dawn on her that a third party was huddled in the corner as her eyes shot to Roxas, raising her chin forward as her sly persona returned after barely a split second.

“Speak of the snarky blonde devil.” She crooned, grinning, her hair bouncing slightly as she exaggerated her movements. “Is little Roxie crying for his dead mommy?”

“Larxene, go inside.” Axel shook his head, his eyes darkening.  _ “Now.” _

With one last death stare at Roxas she was gone. Roxas was surprised at how easily she’d given up, though he didn’t voice it.

The two were left in silence. Axel still stood where he was previous, observing the blonde for a few seconds, gauging a reaction of some sort  while rubbing his slightly bruised jaw. He must have come to the realization that Roxas wasn’t going to flip out and sat down next to him, his hands propped up behind him lazily.

“How come you’re awake?”

The redhead glanced warily, his head cocking slightly to the side.

“Look, I’m sorry, alright? About what I said...” Axel chuckled awkwardly. “If we’re being completely honest, I guess I got a little… jealous. Though you did get me good.  _ Ouch _ , Rox...”

“Jealous?” Roxas raised an eyebrow, a breathy laugh escaping from his lips. He chose to ignore the nickname that Axel had seemingly chosen for him. “Why in the world were you  _ jealous?” _

“Well, you and  Naminé did seem to be…  _ together _ . Plus, the way  she kept glancing at you, leaning on you, the smile she’d give you – in my hotheaded cynical mind, out arose  _ jealousy _ .”

“Don’t judge a book by  its cover, right?” Roxas said, turning his gaze away. “ Naminé ...  She... she was the reason Hayner and I started dating. She knows nothing would go on between us. I wouldn’t want to give her false hope.”

“So where is this mystery boyfriend then?” Axel pried, leaning closer to Roxas so his chest was pressing against the blonde’s arm, his lips dangerously close to the shell of his ear. “Does this mean I have some competition? Because I’m sure you can tell by now I’m very stubborn.” He pouted playfully.

Roxas let out a sigh, feeling the presence strangely comforting, but pushed Axel away regardless. “Ex _._ There’s no competition there. I have no idea where he even _is_.”

Axel’s eyebrows furrowed, though he stayed silent, egging the blonde to continue. Roxas almost laughed; it seemed like everyone  had gotten wind of his story lately, word getting around fast about the secret abuse that wasn’t even  really kept a secret.

“Hayner, he… he shot my mom. He went on the run afterwards.” Roxas rested his chin on his legs, closing his eyes and ignoring the silent thoughts that came with any conversation about her. The memory just  brought up vague flashes of his dream, and he probably would have flinched if he was alone. But he wasn’t, he was on Axel’s porch, telling  _ Axel  _ of all people a story he’d almost had to repeat like a mantra.

“Shit, I’m sorry Rox. I-” Axel stilled, his expression unreadable. Roxas briefly wondered what  _ he’d  _ say, if the roles were reversed. What  _ could  _ you possibly say if someone told you that your mom was murdered in cold blood by your boyfriend?

“She deserved it. You don’t know what she did.” Roxas laughed, an almost desperate noise, turning around to face the redhead, who was  _ concerned  _ of all things. He expected pity, sadness, maybe even  _ anger.  _ But concern? “I’m glad he did. I always knew from the start it was either me or her, somehow.

“Why the hell am I telling you this anyway? You probably don’t even care , ” Roxas muttered, standing up abruptly, mentally cursing for spilling _ those  _ details to Axel, and he’d barely said  _ anything _ . Before he could react any further, however, he was being pulled down by the redhead, blushing as he found himself, forcibly, in Axel’s lap.

“What made you think I don’t care? I’m just... shocked.” Axel’s brows furrowed, his expression showing nothing but confusion. Roxas could almost hear his brain working in overdrive, small cogs turning as he tried to piece things together he just didn’t get. Things that Roxas couldn’t say. Didn’t want to say. “Have I ever done  _ anything  _ to make you think I don’t care?”

“Why would you?” Roxas rebutted, his face heating up slightly. The only thing he could concentrate on was how close Axel was - he could feel his warm breath against his ear, could feel those green eyes studying him, unnerving him. Only a few hours ago he’d been driven by rage,  _ hit  _ Axel, now he just felt empty. Empty and unnerved. Axel  _ should  _ be angry, but it almost angered Roxas himself that he wasn’t.

Under the slight illumination of the porch light the bruises didn’t look at all pretty.

He didn’t feel angry. He felt regretful.

“Why do you think I visited you all that time, Rox?” Again with the nicknames _. _ “Isn’t it obvious that I like you? Damn, maybe you don’t have any brain cells in there.”

“ _ What?  _ Hold on, are you being serious?” He decided to ignore the supposed insult. “You must be joking.”

“For once I’m being completely and utterly truthful. Hard to believe, right?” Roxas did have to admit; his face held complete sincerity, nothing that would prove he was lying.

_ Shit. _

In his confused haze, Roxas realized the close proximity of the two, and the words he’d just uttered ̶ those words holding nothing but the truth ̶ and he stumbled backwards, falling off Axel’s lap and onto the wooden porch with a thud. An unwanted blush covered his cheeks, more out of embarrassment than anything else. Axel didn’t budge.

“It’s late. We should go to bed.” Axel stood up, extending his hand to Roxas. Seeing his flabbergasted expression, he rolled his eyes. “Not together, you idiot.”

The blonde glanced down from Axel’s face to his hand, a frown forming alongside surprise. He abruptly stood up, mirroring the redhead, albeit shorter, and opened his mouth but closed it again, unable to think of anything to say. He was speechless, for once, and any  coherent thought that may have come to mind wasn’t turning up anytime soon.

Unable to think,  he did the only thing his mind commanded .  _ The response he  _ always  _ turned to, the easy way out, the only way he could stay stable. _

_ Run. _

Roxas ran until his lungs ached, ran until his head was swimming, ran until he could barely think any more, his brain a scrambled mess. Axel couldn’t like him. He barely heard the shouts of his name as his panic threatened to overtake his senses.

But he did. He just confessed it straight up, no tricks, no lies.

Roxas abruptly stopped when it became too much, almost toppling to the  ground as his weight threatened to crash on him, his lungs burning for air. A desperate look behind confirmed he wasn’t being followed, at least. His hands found a lamppost to grip, hands circling around the frozen pole, the slight amount of support easing the burn slightly. Why was he so affected?

Even though his limbs cried out in pain, a small whimper creating nothing but steam in the air, he broke into a run again. He wanted to be alone, needed to be alone.

He had a vague idea of where he could go. It was familiar, and he’d have time to think. It was a while away, but he recognised the current area enough to make his way there somehow.

The determination made him run faster, though he couldn’t run from his thoughts, no matter how much he wanted to.

-

Roxas had been gone for half an hour and all Axel had done in that time was pace on his porch.

He hadn’t _wanted_ Roxas to leave, that much was obvious. But now he felt like a bigger idiot for freaking him out. And he thought his confession was just stating the _obvious._

As every second ticked on he grew more worried. He knew little about Roxas, if he had to be honest, and what little he did know prompted slight danger – in his mind, anyway. Danger of himself, mostly.

He couldn’t  _ help  _ but be worried. Everything about him was intriguing, but he could tell he was hiding something, something deep. Something that was cutting him off, keeping him disconnected from everyone else, and  Axel couldn’t help but wonder  _ what.  _ What he’d said about his own flesh and blood didn’t help with the dilemma, either.

A  distinct sound of a throat clearing pulled him from his thoughts, albeit gladly. Worrying wasn’t doing anything.

He turned around slightly to see Riku in the doorway, the light from the house streaming outwards. He yawned, stretching  a little as the last of his sleepiness left him.

“Still no sign from Roxas?” Riku asked, crossing his arms as he  leant against the doorway. “Thought I heard talking, earlier...”

After a few seconds passed and Axel still didn’t reply, Riku narrowed his eyes and stepped closer. “What have you done  _ now?” _

The redhead laughed desperately,  nervously scratching the back of his neck. “I may have royally fucked up. Again.”

-

It looked exactly how he remembered it, apart from the empty chill to the air, and a battered ‘for sale’ sign. It was abandoned. Empty.

Why would anyone want to buy a  home which housed an abusive mother who was murdered in cold blood? A house which held such a secret that wasn’t even purposely  _ kept  _ a secret?

With a quick look  around , he began to walk towards the foundation which held his  _ life.  _ Every single memory he’d made was behind those walls, good or bad. The wind seemed to pick up the closer he got, the chill in the air not leaving despite his layers of clothing, the material of his hoodie seeming to float in the wind. A hint of reluctance set in, his natural instincts  _ screaming  _ for him to just take those steps backward and never  return .

After all, he associated the place with  _ danger.  _ However, at the same time, it was also strangely comforting .

The flat he was residing in wasn’t  _ home.  _ Far from it. The  last few months he’d spent living there, and it still felt like a temporary solution. It was the unfamiliar, an alien apartment that he still couldn’t call  _ home.  _ Not like the empty shell before him.

It was all he knew.

Unfortunately, the door before him was locked. He tried to rattle it a couple more times before ultimately giving up, the door useless. He’d have to find another way if he wanted some time to just think in peace.

Traversing the thick  grass, he followed what  _ should  _ have been a path around to the garden. He came across a broken window, shards already kicked in from what must have been some curious kids – or even someone wanting to make some cash from whatever they could pawn. Not that there would be anything of value.

Once he’d kicked at some stray shards, not wanting to have a torn vein otherwise, he delicately climbed through, lowering himself onto the counter while avoiding the glass scattered upon it.

The familiarity kicked in as he set foot on the floor, the surroundings that had been his home only a few months ago, in his mind. Most of the furniture was present and intact, although covered with dust. A questionable smell seemed to linger in the air; it was like a soul hadn’t touched it since they resided there.

When he looked around, he didn’t see a washing machine; he saw the spot where he’d dyed her shirt pink, causing him to be knocked out after a repeat beating with the door. Kitchen cupboards had the faint ghost of pain that seemed to cling to him. He didn’t see a dirty floor. He saw a tiled view  on which he much too often woke up, dazed and disoriented and  _ hurting. _

His legs, shaking ever so slightly, carried him from the kitchen and towards the stairs. The place felt almost haunting with how cold and endlessly empty it was, and that only escalated at the thought that she had died not ten feet from where he was standing.

-

“This is all your fault!” Sora snapped, disrupting the seemingly  never-ending silence. Kairi, at the disturbance, almost fell from her seat, abruptly halting her snoring.

Axel wondered how she could sleep so soundly with the tension so thick in the air. That, and they were looking for a missing Roxas.

Kairi resumed snoring a few seconds later.

“Don’t you think I  _ know  _ that?” Axel narrowed his eyes, though he couldn’t hide the worry from his face even when fixed with a scowl. “How was I supposed to know he’d run away?”

They’d spent the last hour trying to find Roxas, scouring the streets for any sign of a certain blonde, but to no avail.  Naminé had stayed silent, and although she was worried, between Sora’s fierce loyalty and Roxas’ stubbornness she could tell it was going to be a long night.

“I-I’m sure he’s okay,” she spoke, more to reassure herself than anyone else in the car. “Maybe he just needed some time to think?”

Riku cleared his throat from the front seat, his eyes not diverting from the road. “I think I have an idea of where he went.”

-

The blonde pulled aside the dusty old rug in the corner of his former bedroom, one which led to a loose floorboard which, to the naked eye, looked no different than  the rest of floor. The existence of it was only known to him and because of that, he could easily hide things away from Luna.

The first thing sat atop various piles of now useless junk was an old photo album. He’d managed to swipe it years ago when she had passed out drunk, her  short-term memory fried from the alcohol. She never questioned it.

Roxas shifted to sit in a cross-legged position, up against the wall, opening the yellowed book on top of his legs. It felt rough beneath his fingers, it’s spine almost crumbled away from age. Opening it carefully he flipped through the tattered pages, pictures of him and Sora filling up most of the spots. Crawling in the garden, playing with toys, and even a couple featuring Luna as she gazed at the camera happily.

A vague thought crossed his mind as he scanned each photo, ones he’d looked at  multiple times beforehand.

What had happened to Luna to shift that change? From a seemingly caring mother to the  monster she had turned into ?

He noticed as the pictures began to skip further in age, and become less and less frequent, that they held more of Sora than they did of Roxas. As they progressed he looked more miserable, more downcast.

In one he was smiling, laughing, though he had a large bruise under his eye.

Unwillingly his throat began to burn, unshed tears filling his eyes. Snapping the book shut rather roughly he tossed the photo album aside, photos spilling out onto the floor, though he didn’t take any mind. Roxas breathed in deep, shaking his head free of the memories in the photos, the reminders that lingered.

Wiping underneath his eyes he moved towards the hidden space again, absent-mindedly rummaging through before his finger skimmed a sharp point, hand instantly recoiling away from the sudden pain. Glancing down  into the darkened space beneath the floorboard , he could just make out that his finger had faintly  grazed the tip of a knife  he’d hidden away under a pile of books, a small bead of blood blossoming from the  small wound . Frowning, he picked it up, inspecting the blade as it reflected in the minuscule amount of moonlight streaming through the bare window. The memory of how the knife came to be in his belongings came to the forefront of his mind, feeling like it was only yesterday that it had occurred.

_ “Asshole!” She kicked his abdomen, causing a piercing pain to bloom in his stomach, instinctively curling inwards as he coughed. His hands flew up to wrap around his head, wishing for it to just stop. It was pointless to try and do anything, though. _

_ She used her heel to flip him onto his back, putting the weight of her foot on his already tender muscles. She leaned down and bent his back upwards by grabbing onto a fistful of his hair, forcing him to open his eyes, her gaze not leaving his troubled face, though she didn’t look there at all. Her eyes were clouded, skimmed over. _

_ “Why?! She spat, throwing him back to the floor, where he gasped for breath and struggled to get out from under her grip. “Why did you do it?!” _

_ He winced, ultimately giving up and regarding her with wary yet puzzled eyes. “Do what?” _

_ She diverted her attention away from him, beginning to pace up and down beside him, her full attention transferred to something other than him. _

_ “Oh, you know what you did. You-” It didn’t last long. Her head snapped upwards and she strode off to the kitchen, leaving no explanation nor idea to what she was going to do. Roxas noticed his momentary advantage and grabbed the wooden banister of the stairs he was near and hoisted himself upwards, groaning at the pain running through his body, though he didn’t let that stop him, not when he had no idea what she was planning. _

_ As he began to walk up the stairs, his palm clutching his throbbing stomach, she reappeared, a familiar, sharpened knife in hand. A large one, at that. His eyes widened in fear, but it quickly turned into a glare, a shift in stance. _

_ Sora was out, off with Riku, enjoying himself like he should be. Roxas wouldn’t let his brother come back to a bloody mess. Especially when this was clearly one of her more delusional moments, void of any lucidity she may usually have. Whether she’d divulged in her stash of booze, he didn’t know, but he wasn’t doubting it. _

_ Attempting to continue up the stairs, he fell backwards, knowing if it failed, he’d only be more vulnerable _ _ ; the thought _ _ made everything  _ _ hazier _ _ with panic. Knowing it would come with risk, he held onto the banister and kicked with everything he had as she tried to chase after him. _

_ Luckily, his feet struck, and she was sent backwards, her legs crumpling from underneath her as she fell from a couple steps above. The action momentarily stunned her and Roxas took the opportunity to tackle her to the floor, not leaving  _ _ even _ _ a moment for her to gain the upper hand. He attempted to take hold of the knife which was still being held dangerously in her hand, but she struggled, her bloodshot eyes blazing with anger  _ _ and a bit of _ _ fear. Every time he’d pull, she tugged right back, a constant battle which none of them realised the severity of until her hold slipped, and he lost control, the  _ _ blade _ _ slicing clean into her shoulder. _

_ The  _ _ resounding _ _ scream that flew from her mouth was one full of panic, her hands abandoning the knife to grip the wound which was beginning to  _ _ well up _ _ , blood travelling down her arm and spilling  _ _ onto _ _ the carpet. With wide eyes, Roxas fell backwards, knife still held tightly in his hand,  _ _ a thin layer of still-warm _ _ blood  _ _ coating his fingers _ _.  _ _ Her lifeforce stained his skin, seemed to seep into it, a reversal of one of many situations with which he was far too familiar _ _. Roxas stayed cautious, expecting the worst, curling into a defensive stance with the knife held out in front of him. _

_ Something in her eyes made him falter from where he stood. All the possible warning signs were  _ _ flashing like sirens _ _ in his  _ _ mind _ _ , all of his instincts screaming at him, but he ignored them. The look in her eyes  _ _ reflected _ _ something he  _ _ was surprised to see and instantly recognize _ _. All  _ _ the _ _ rage had dissipated, and it looked like she was in serious pain, but she wasn’t screaming anymore, or speaking a single word. She looked  _ _ completely and _ _ utterly terrified. _

_ Using one of her  _ _ hands _ _ to continue gripping her shoulder, she used the other to prop herself upwards, though she wasn’t looking at Roxas at all. She wasn’t looking at anything. She  _ _ pushed _ _ herself backwards  _ _ with her feet _ _ until she hit the wall, the impact causing her to whimper. _

_ “Luna?” Not even a slight reaction. _

_ Roxas stood upwards, staggering slightly as a wash of dizziness overtook his head. He shook it away, telling himself he’d pushed through worse and made his way upstairs, the ache increasing with every step. He felt like turning back a couple of times, leaving her where she was. Why did she deserve his help, after all she’d done to him? To them? _

_ He rummaged around a few cupboards until he found some  _ _ gauze _ _ and a bandage. It would have to do, and it was better than letting her bleed out on the carpet. Even though he was tempted to let her. _

_ Filling up a bowl with hot water and grabbing a cloth, he made his way back to the now-bloodstained carpet. She still hadn’t moved, nor shown any signs she was  _ _ even _ _ aware of his presence. _

_ He quickly stashed the knife away before helping her in any way. He wouldn’t risk it,  _ couldn’t _ risk it _ _. _

_ Roxas had a nagging feeling that this incident wouldn’t change much  _ _ between them _ _. _

_ Cautiously kneeling down next to her, he removed her bloody hand from her shoulder and felt no resistance, his hands already becoming sticky with blood at the contact. She didn’t struggle against his touch or try to lash out at him. She just sat there, her face nothing but a blank slate. _

_ He partly wished this side of her would come out more often. _

_ Roxas began to do the best he could  _ _ to bandage the gash _ _ with what he was working with, and once he’d cleaned the wound, he breathed a sigh of relief that it wasn’t deep enough to need stitches. Dealing with that mess would have made things much more complicated. _

_ After wrapping it with as much bandage as he could manage, as tightly as he could, he sat back against the wall, and let his head fall against it. That was when she started to sob, a deep, heart wrenching sob. _

_ Despite everything, in that split second, he wondered more than anything how it all came down to this, and almost felt sorry for her. _

The knife had been left there since then, stashed and forgotten about, a remnant of his past before he’d lost a year and a half of it. He’d taken it to protect himself if need be. He now had no use for it,  but…

He glanced down at the cut on his finger, no  bigger than a paper-cut. Such a small cut, yet it felt so sharp, felt like it was deeper, felt so familiar, and still brought blood to the surface. He moved the blade so the side of it was resting against his wrist, skin that seemed so pale against the white glow of the moonlight. The cold sensation of the metal sent shivers down his spine.

Such a sharp tool, a familiar tool, yet it could bring so much pain.

Just one movement, one slight movement, just one cut… the thought swam like a tide through his mind, taunting him, swaying him against the waves, persuading him for just one. Only one.

One…

So much conflict ran through his head, his hand shaking as the metal continued to touch flesh. To do it or not to do it.

People would be so disappointed. Angry. Hurt.

Yet it was relief, it could help him, make everything go away and the pain could just swim out with the blood. It could free his mind, for just a few hours, a few minutes, though it was bliss. Everything could be washed away and replaced with numbness. He could worry about the rest later.

He turned the knife so the blade was pressing against his skin, and with a deep breath, moved it along the lower part of his arm, gasping with a hint of relief as it broke the skin, spots of blood taking the blade’s place from where it had travelled, continually getting bigger before they ran down his arm. He could only stare as he quickened the pace, creating more, each cut slightly deeper than the last. He could only stare as the blood began to drip, thick, hot, heavy and  _ dark. _

His head felt heavy. Was he  _ crying?  _ He couldn’t tell whether it was tears mixing with the blood, but it didn’t concern him too much. His vision began to blur slightly though his mind didn’t want him to stop. He couldn’t until that  _ voice  _ stopped repeating  _ one more, one more  _ in his head.

Just  _ one more. _

He couldn’t see which ones were old or new  anymore and felt as if he was deepening the ones  he’d already made . He couldn’t  _ tell _ which were scars or fresh, the whole expanse of his arm covered in blood. He began to shake, his hand jolting violently, and during a  particularly forceful slash he unwillingly let go of the knife,  causing it to slide away from his grasp, leaving a faint trail of blood as it did so.

A half scream, half sob sounded from his lips at the loss of the knife, but he didn’t go and attempt to pick it up. He just let himself fall towards the floor, his head colliding with the dirty carpet roughly. Roxas didn’t care all that much. The smell didn’t bother him either. He could feel the blood seeping steadily from his arm,  saturating the carpet, the thickness leaving a slight pressure. He didn’t notice. He knew he was losing a lot of blood, a dangerous amount, but in that  moment, he just couldn’t seem to care. Light, frail sobs began to escape from his chest as he laid, unmoving, not even finding the energy to curl up into a ball.

Just one, right?

-

_ “He’s my  _ brother _!” _

Axel sighed, raising his fingers to his temple, his eyebrows furrowed in frustration. Ever since Riku had voiced his thoughts about where Roxas may have gone, the two had been arguing about who was going to go and  _ calmly  _ talk to him. Axel was stubborn. So was Sora.

Meaning they were stuck at an impossible standstill without either of them budging.

“I caused him to freak out.  _ I  _ need to go speak to him!”

“He has a point,” Riku supplied as he pulled up to the  curb of a seemingly abandoned house in the sketchy part of Twilight Town, various waste littering the overgrown garden in front of the structure. His words caused him to gain a harsh glare from Sora, though he ignored it with a shake of the head, turning around in his seat to face the redhead. “Or, here’s a thought. Why don’t you  _ both  _ go in? Decide when you’ve actually  _ confirmed _ he’s in there who’s going to talk to him.”

With a glare at each other they both exited the car. It seemed they’d each silently agreed. Even though neither _wanted_ to.

The place looked abandoned, and he couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow when Sora walked up to the front door, fished out a key from god-knows-where, and unlocked the door.

That was easier than he thought it would be. Breaking and entering wasn’t on his bucket list but he wasn’t  _ averse _ to it. Yellowed curtains seemed to flutter in the wind and he couldn’t help but cringe as they walked inside. Mismatched furniture, old and discoloured, showed it was lived in once but a long, long time ago.

A picture frame caught his eye and he found himself studying it, a photo of a couple staring back at him. He didn’t recognise either of them, yet the brunette looked slightly familiar. A closer look had him realising it was  _ Sora  _ the male looked like, though he had a slightly more angled face and sleeker hair. He had a large grin on his face as he stared at the camera, his arm wrapped around a shorter woman who was looking at him with complete adoration. She had a matching smile, though directed at him, her blonde, curled hair flowing slightly in the wind, a silver necklace glinting in the light balanced on her chest.

They looked happy.

“That’s our parents.”

Sora had a soft expression on his face, almost mournful. It was clear, unlike his brother, he cared for his mother. More obviously, anyway.

“Do you know what happened to them?” Sora looked up from the photo to  Axel’s face, no hint of anger  that he’d had not  even ten minutes ago. It seemed the subject had already hit a nerve.

“I… Roxas mentioned your mom. He didn’t say much, as per usual, but he said his ex, Hayner, shot her. Is that true?”

Sora raised his eyebrow, clearly surprised at his reply. “Yes.  Yes, it is .”

“Why are you surprised?” Axel frowned  slightly , glad that this twin was a lot more forthcoming with information. He had questions he’d been wanting to ask for too long, and his natural curiosity wasn’t doing him any favours.

“Roxas doesn’t share much. Considering he hasn’t known you for long, he’s told you more than I would have expected. Though, judging by your expression, not enough. Right?” Sora looked away, a deep sigh showing his reluctance to share any more. “Our Dad abandoned us, I think. He was never spoken about. All we know is his name is Leon. I have books and books full of photos she’d never let us look at, yet I still haven’t.” Sora chuckled, almost saying it to himself rather than Axel. “I don’t know why.”

“She?” Axel looked in the direction of the photo again. “Her?”

Sora nodded. “Luna. Our Mom… Axel, there’s something I need to tell you. I wasn’t going to. I thought it would be better to let Roxas tell you if he saw fit, but you deserve to know. To have at least a piece of this stupid fucking puzzle that is us _. _ ”

It was obvious it was something serious and by his face, it wasn’t something he spoke of often either.

“She... physically, and mentally, abused Roxas.”


	7. Green

“I think… I need to talk to Roxas.”

His lips felt dry as he spoke, mind blank. No half-assed joke came to his mind  as one would expect; no dismissal , but in its place was hesitation.

Roxas was  _ abused.  _ His basic reluctance was only natural. The house felt colder than before, and he couldn’t tell whether it was because of the actions that may have gone on in the house, or maybe because of the silent air that hung between them both.

The walk up the stairs felt like an eternity.

-

Everything was blurry when he tried to open his eyes.  _ Tried _ being the operative word. They seemed to be glued together, thick weights pressing down on his eyelids like anchors. Panic also started to settle in when the situation reminded him of something that was so  _ similar,  _ residing on the faint edges of his memory.

It took a few hazy minutes for awareness to return. His eyes still felt heavy, limbs aching, though he managed to open his eyes to get a look at his surroundings. It was when he sat up, using his arms to support him, that everything clicked into place.

Vision swimming slightly, head spinning at the movement, he glanced down to see his blood-caked arms, a slight amount seeping from when he’d propped himself up prior.

Right.

That was going to be a problem.

A quick fumble in his pockets, wincing slightly as the material opened what cuts had begun to clot, revealed  that he’d left his phone behind at Axel’s.

Which was yet another problem.

There was a chance that Sora had figured out where he’d be. Would come to his rescue, be pissed off, and  they could go back to the apartment and forget it all ever happened. Or he could bleed out  almost to death for the second time in this house, and maybe this time his luck  would ran out.

The latter didn’t seem like a welcome option. The sting in his arms was only becoming more apparent , and the more he tried to support himself in his sitting position , the woozier he felt.

Roxas, luckily, didn’t have to worry about that much longer as the door swung open, and to his surprise, Axel strolled in. At first , he appeared surprised to see the blonde in the room, but his expression quickly fell. The reaction didn’t seem to be about his cuts, though.

“Hey.”

Roxas’ voice seemed huskier than he realised when he replied, the drowsiness not clearing from his mind. “Hi.”

“I should apologise-”

“No , ” Roxas shook his head, most of his visible self covered in his hoodie and blood. His face was barely discernible in the faint light, and he wasn’t sure if he should be thankful for that or not. “I should be the one that’s apologising.”

“I-” Axel stilled as he stepped closer to Roxas, his eyes widening. His eyes quickly found the knife, lying innocently on the floor, and Roxas could tell it was only going to go downhill from there. “What...  _ Roxas?” _

Roxas shook his head, more so when Axel closed the distance between the two and reached towards him.  His outstretched hand only sending panic through  Roxas’ veins and squeezing his lungs like a vice. “I’m  _ fine.” _

“Oh, we’re doing a repeat of that, are we?” Axel frowned, though his face quickly softened, apologetic. “We need to get you to a hospital.”

“ _ No.” _

“What do you mean  _ no?  _ You’re bleeding out, Roxas! This isn’t some minor cut, there’s...” He trailed off, looking around. “You’re sitting in a pool of your own  _ blood.  _ How is that  _ okay _ ?” His voice  betrayed a slight amount of desperation, maybe even hysteria, and Roxas couldn’t help but feel  _ regretful.  _ Maybe even sorry. He wasn’t sure why the emotion hit him so strongly.

“If I go to the hospital… They’ll take me away from Sora.” He continued shaking his head, trying to maybe force into Axel’s head that he _couldn’t_ go to the hospital _, try_ to prove to himself he was fine, because he _was,_ he just needed to get bandages and sleep…  “I’m practically on my last shot already, I _can’t…”_

Roxas didn’t know whether it was the waves of exhaustion that kept rolling over him or the fact that he’d broken down and relapsed, his emotions practically spent, but the tears began hot and thick, spilling down his cheeks and falling from his chin. His arms, the cuts all but forgotten, reached up to cup his face, to hide his vulnerability. He didn’t notice the pain as he was pulled in for a hug, ending up in Axel’s lap, his face pressed into his chest, sobs rattling through his bones, his chest heaving as he struggled to breathe throughout it all, and he  _ still  _ couldn’t discern why he was  _ crying.  _ On Axel of all people.

It wasn’t long after the sobs began to subside, and the tears  began to fall infrequently that he felt his surroundings slip away, the last of his strength spent out with his emotions and the slight amount of blood still trickling down his arm.

-

When his eyes opened again he noticed the clear absence of Axel, enveloped by bed sheets instead, and light was streaming through the windows.

His arms stung slightly as he shifted himself to sit up, the wounds covered by thick bandages that were wrapped methodically and neat, most likely by Riku. Although he often had to settle for Sora’s quick handiwork in the past, he had a distinct shakiness that often left Roxas having to wrap his bandages himself if he wanted them to serve their purpose.

Roxas was almost disappointed when he checked his phone, sitting on the table beside him – along with a glass of water and some painkillers – to reveal not a single new message further than when they  must have found him the night before. He was hoping, just a little, that Axel’s name might have flashed across the screen.

He sat for a few minutes, Axel’s contact staring back at him, before shutting the device off. It didn’t mean anything that Axel hadn’t tried to contact him or wasn’t there when he awoke. Unless… he’d scared him off.

Resting the phone back on the stand he didn’t let himself ponder over the matter further before changing his clothes – ones Sora must have put on, as his  blood-stained hoodie was nowhere to be seen – and exiting the room. He… didn’t want to care so much. A few weeks ago , he would have genuinely scoffed at the thought, but… now…

He didn’t know  _ what  _ to think. Not to mention that his usual mind-clearing  _ calm _ that came after a relapse was nowhere to be found. All he felt was regret. The pain was unwelcome. An alien feeling.

As Roxas opened the door, the squeak of the hinges sounding through the apartment, the noise caused Sora to look up from his coffee, snapping him from his thoughts. Roxas took a seat beside him on the counter, resting his head on his brother’s shoulder.

“Hey.”

Roxas smiled despite himself. It was such a  _ normal  _ greeting, something so like his twin. “Hey.”

“...I’m sorry.”

“God, not you too.” Roxas groaned, rolling his eyes. “Can everyone stop apologising for things they  _ really don’t need to apologise for?” _

“Um.” Sora frowned. “...Okay?”

Roxas shifted so his forehead was pressing against Sora’s shoulder, a deep sigh sounding from his chest. “Riku out again?”

“Yeah. Some case has been demanding more attention than usual, apparently. There’s a couple of new leads on this guy they’ve been tracking for a while, and they’ve got a vague location, somewhere around Twilight Town… though they still can’t find him. It’s a mystery how this guy has stayed hidden for so many years.”

Roxas scoffed. “So  _ that’s  _ why he’s been pulling a disappearing act so often. Here’s me thinking he was sneaking out for some girl. Or  _ boy.” _

“ _ Riku?  _ Doubt it.” Sora said in dismissal.

“Jealous?”

“Why would I be jealous?” Sora frowned, shaking his head slightly. “You know Riku’s never been the dating type.”

Roxas just hummed. “I never would’ve pegged Riku as a detective type. Or you as a bartender, for that matter. A few years can change so much, don’t you think?”

Sora paused. “...You tell me.”

Roxas sat up, his head cocking slightly to the side, frowning at his brother’s downcast face. “You okay?”

“I...” A sigh sounded from his lips, his fingers absent-mindedly tapping his mug of now-cold coffee. “I just wish you could’ve been through it all with us.”

“I have to agree with that one.”

“What was there to miss? It was just me and Riku… for a while, we had no home. Selfishly I sometimes wished you’d stay asleep a bit longer because if you  _ did  _ wake up, we’d have nowhere to go. I slept on Riku’s parents couch for six months before he offered to get an apartment with me, for  _ us.” _

“You can be such a dumbass sometimes,” Roxas smirked, rolling his eyes. “I missed you, obviously. That, and I also couldn’t tell you to shut up when you were being obnoxious. Or too loud.  _ Or both.” _

“Hey!” Sora pouted. “At least I didn’t have you brooding around everywhere.”

Roxas feigned hurt, hand clutching his chest. “ _ Ouch.  _ Why must you wound me so?”

“I’ve got precisely eighteen months of brotherly teasing to catch up on, if you must know.”

“Lord, save me now.”

-

“I’m so glad you decided to come today, Roxas.”

He was nestled in the too-soft armchair which sat opposite Aerith’s, her ‘office’ clean and presentable as usual. Roxas vaguely noticed a faint hint of cinnamon hung in the air and motioned to the drink she held in her lap. She was dressed for the cold, no doubt about that. A thick, cosy pink jumper covered her delicate frame, her usual red ribbon tying a section of her hair away from her face. Even her socks were pink and fluffy.

“This? Oh, I’ve always had a sweet tooth, ever since I was a child. No hot chocolate was complete without plenty of cinnamon. Especially in this weather.” Almost on instinct, she took a sip. “Although your sessions here are voluntary, I… I want to try and help you in whatever way I can. Even if you just need a friendly face to talk to. So… I do hope you begin to come to these sessions more often.”

Roxas nodded, his eyes wandering to the various picture frames across the wall. She had kids of her own, it seemed. Maybe her motherly instincts took over when she counseled teenagers.

“So how have you been?”

He paused for a second before the words seemed to tumble out of his mouth. “I relapsed.”

The answer seemed to shock her at first, her eyes widening slightly. “… Self-harm, I assume?”

Roxas nodded.

“Relapsing is a normal part of recovery. Evidence of your progress is right in front of me and must be apparent to you – you’re admitting what’s happened rather than hiding it. Some part of you  _ wants  _ to get better.”

“You’re not...” His eyebrows furrowed, confusion settling in his face. “Mad?”

“Why would I be mad?” Aerith seemed appalled at the accusation, her head shaking slightly, bangs shifting across her face. “The urges aren’t going to be gone overnight. That’s a simple fact.”

It was then that Roxas smiled, ever so slightly, the corner of his mouth twisting upwards unknowingly, a thoughtless reaction to himself. Aerith couldn’t help but genuinely grin back, the corners of her eyes crinkling.

“So… what triggered the relapse, Roxas?”

He sighed slightly, the smile falling. “I’d have to start at the beginning to tell you that.”

“We have time.”

“… This guy started visiting me while I was in the coma. Around the time when I could hear people again, and realised where I was, and what had happened. He kept me company, and I began to look forward to his spontaneous visits as much as I did Sora’s. He distracted me from being stuck in my own head. It was… nice.” Roxas smiled slightly. “And then I woke up.”

“Did you ever see him again?”

“I didn’t expect to. I had no clue as to what he even looked like. All I knew was that his name was Axel. Regardless, a few weeks after I  woke up, I visited the bar where Sora works. Turns out Reno, Axel’s brother,  owns the place.”

“Aw!” Aerith clapped her hands together. “What a lucky coincidence!”

Roxas couldn’t help but laugh at her enthusiasm. “I met him… and he was nothing like I remembered. He was… an  _ asshole.  _ So full of himself, his ego might as well have been as big as his hair. And then...”

“What happened?” She spoke after a lengthy silence from Roxas, noticing he was lost in thought.

“I told him about Hayner. About how he’d shot Luna and ran away. And… that  _ she  _ wasn’t a nice person. At all.” He paused for a second, almost to collect his bearings as he rambled on. “I told him that I didn’t understand why I was telling him that, because he most likely didn’t care. I  _ still  _ don’t understand. Axel told me… He told me he  _ did  _ care. Because he liked me.”

Aerith bit her lip. “ _ Liked?” _

“…Y-Yeah. Liked. As in more than a friend.” Roxas silently hoped that she wasn’t  _ against  _ his sexuality. He couldn’t remember if it had actually come up, apart from a mention of Hayner. But that was in the  _ past. _

“No, I mean… Why are you using past tense, Roxas?”

“Because,” he closed his eyes, “after he told me I freaked out and ran. Back to the  _ house.  _ Axel found me, broken and bloody, on the floor.”

“How do you know this changes things between you two?”

“Why would he still want to be with me after seeing that?” His voice cracked halfway through the sentence, his throat closing up as he processed emotions that he didn’t even  _ understand.  _ He’d spoken like he  _ wanted  _ a relationship with Axel… spoken like Roxas himself was the one with unrequited feelings.

Roxas  _ didn’t  _ want a relationship with Axel. He barely considered him a friend.

But… what if he did?

His mind flashed back to the time when he was in the coma, his confusion becoming more apparent. He’d ended up looking forward to seeing Axel  _ more _ than Sora, his voice like a comforting lullaby which made his situation seem a little better day by day. He’d memorize every pitch and the  _ depth  _ of his voice, how each syllable rolled off his tongue, and how it would raise ever so slightly if he spoke about something he was passionate about, his voice often trailing off into a whisper. In comparison whenever he laughed his voice grew deeper, a sound that would’ve made Roxas smile himself  from the genuity if he could.

He knew that Axel’s hands could be rough, yet his touches were feather-light and soft, and how he’d find himself craving only that, as Axel held his hand or offered comforting touches. Almost like he knew that, deep down, that’s what Roxas  _ needed  _ the most.

Roxas knew that their hands fit together almost perfectly. And that his voice would sound slightly sad whenever he traced the scars on his arms, a caress that seemed to change the scars into something he wasn’t afraid or ashamed of anymore, because if Axel didn’t mind them, they couldn’t be a bad thing at all.

“ _ You have a lot of battle scars, kid. I hope one day I can help heal them all.” _

Roxas was right, knowing that Axel couldn’t  _ save  _ him, no matter how much he wanted to. But he knew his situation, he knew that he was in a bad place and he  _ stayed.  _ He stayed because although Roxas needed to heal by himself, needed to  _ help  _ himself, Axel wanted to be there. At least for a little while. Otherwise he wouldn’t have kept coming back.

So why was Axel such an ass?

… Another thing Roxas was mistaken with. Axel wasn’t a bad person, not at all. He’d just molded him to be, stuck a persona on a guy who was just being  _ himself,  _ cocky and all.

When he’d woken up from the nightmare, the first time he’d seen Axel face to face, his first reaction was  _ concern.  _ Concern from a guy that had barely said two words to him. Then he’d proceeded to make him  _ blush,  _ ultimately forgetting all about the nightmare. It was obvious to anyone who bothered to listen that something was wrong, yet Axel never pestered. Chose to ignore that Roxas was continually building up walls between the two.

Axel listened. Still tried to grab his attention. He never… left.

Still there with his toothy smile that seemed to lift the negativity from the room, as wide as it could possibly be. Still there with his patience that  _ never  _ seemed to run out, annoyingly so.

Still there with those green eyes which sat at the forefront of his mind, so captivating yet so… plain. As if green eyes were made for someone like him, such a plain, common green, yet so _him._ Eyes that seemed to see past the walls, walls which felt like they were crumbling, a _terrifying_ thought; walls which hid every fake smile and punch he ever had to absorb.

Yet Roxas pushed him away, as always. Even Sora was pushed away to a certain extent. He rejected any advances, treated him like he was a nuisance rather than a person. Somehow Axel still found the will to treat that like it was nothing. Axel couldn’t have made his feelings any clearer from the start, but he was  _ waiting, waiting  _ for Roxas to let him in. If ever. Yet Roxas had panicked, as always.

He hadn't heard if Aerith had spoken or not, and it wasn’t at the forefront of his mind, too deep in thought to focus on that. He didn’t look up at her, his mind still reeling from too many thoughts, too many revelations. Things some part of his psyche never wanted to admit.

Roxas pulled out his phone to Aerith’s puzzlement, though she stayed silent as he gazed. Still no reply.

And that's when he truly realized he was starting to fall for the damn redhead.


	8. Magenta

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my lovely beta, @kunoichi21!! Check out her stuff if you get the chance!

“Roxas?”

Aerith seemed hesitant to speak, her position now hunched over in her seat, hands clasped together. “You seemed to disappear there for a second. Are you okay?”

He nodded sharply, releasing a breath he didn’t even realise he was holding. “Can we… finish early? I need some air.”

She hesitated for a moment before nodding. “If you need anyone to talk to, don’t hesitate to call.” He was out of the chair before she finished her sentence, though she spoke up again as he reached for the door handle, shifting in her chair slightly to face him. “Are you _sure_ you’re going to be okay?”

Her gaze seemed to plead for him to stay, that his shift in demeanour was too abrupt, too sudden to be a good thing. His head was swimming too much, thoughts scrambled all over the place. The last thing he wanted to do was sit and _talk,_ especially with the revelation of how he felt. Feelings he shouldn’t have. He shook his head in reply, glad that she didn’t follow him out of the room as he didn’t bother to close the door, didn’t bother to say another word.

Roxas didn’t halt until he was outside, the fresh air washing over his face and filling his lungs with much needed oxygen. The sky had turned into a dusky haze, the street lamps flickering on one by one, illuminating the spaces that were beginning to fill with shadows.

The streets were empty, luckily.

Roxas sucked in a deep breath, shakily exhaling as his back collided with the brick wall, his palms scraping against the rough texture. His hand grabbed for his phone, almost dropping it in the process, a curse slipping from his lips. No new texts from Axel, as he expected. The unanswered one he’d sent previously stuck out like a sore thumb, making him feel worse by the second. Flashing the fact in his face.

_‘Axel?’_

Seconds ticked by, the screen unchanging.

_‘Are you ignoring me?’_

He shook his head – the tips of his overgrown hair skimming the brick – trying to expel the confused thoughts and feelings. Roxas still didn’t know exactly how he felt.

Or maybe he just didn’t want to admit it. It was _new,_ unlike Hayner or even Xemnas.

It was _Axel._

The main thing he knew was that he needed to talk to him, needed to clear things up from that night. What was the use of freaking out over thoughts if Axel never wanted to talk to him again? Never even wanted to see him again?

His habit of ruining things didn’t disappear in the year and a half he was in the hospital. He tried to convince himself that Axel was just busy, or needed time, but his gut told him otherwise.

Axel had finally given up on him. Didn’t want to deal with him and his mess anymore. No matter how much he tried to convince himself he was okay – he wasn’t. Maybe Axel realized that. And the fact stung him, his eyes beginning to water. Roxas wiped his eyes before tears could fall, pushing down the feelings and ignoring them. What he did best. He’d just have to push the thought of Axel down, bury those feelings deep behind everything else.

If Axel didn’t want to be around him anymore, then fine. That would make it easier to get rid of the feelings, no more reminders. He hated how _weak_ he felt, that Axel affected him the way he did.

He glanced at the various cars parked outside the centre, casting shadows on the ground. Sora was supposed to turn up any time, and Roxas didn’t doubt that Aerith had contacted his brother on his sudden mood change. He didn’t want to talk to anyone right now. He just wanted to... get away for a bit.

The thought had him dialing a number he rarely used, bringing the phone to his ear and praying for a response. Thankfully, the owner picked up within a few rings, a clipped, professional voice speaking a simple, ‘ _Hello. Calling?_ ’

“Hey, it’s Roxas. Are you busy?”

The reply was instantaneous. _‘Never for you.’_

“Can you come and get me? I’m near the Pines Psychiatric Centre. West Downtown Twilight.”

‘ _Of course. Give me-’_

“Be quick. Please.” He blurted out, his voice becoming desperate. He stood as he spoke, wiping his trousers free of dirt and debris from the ground.

 _He’d_ pick him up and Roxas wouldn’t have time to think or deal with any of it. He wouldn’t _have_ to.

‘ _I’ll be right there. But you owe me...’_

The dial tone rang through his ears seconds after his last word, leaving Roxas unable to reply.

A distraction sounded really good right now.

-

Five minutes later and still no sign of Sora. A relieved sigh escaped from his throat as Xemnas’ sleek black car slid up in the space beside him, the rumble of the engine a familiar one. He didn’t have to check who was sitting in the tinted-out driver’s seat. Even if he didn’t see the car often, he could recognise it anywhere.

Not every person drove recklessly with illegally blacked out windows. That was excluding the fact the car was probably worth more than he’d make in a lifetime.

Roxas didn’t glance upwards to the male when he slid in, either, slamming the door with a heavy sigh. Leaning back into the seat felt like a welcome embrace. The silence was comforting, his eyes slipping shut.

“I believe that’s your friend’s car. Does that have anything to do with why you called?”

His eyes shot open, peering out the window to see his brother exiting Riku’s car just a few spaces away from them, rubbing his arm nervously. Roxas turned to Xemnas, watching the male relaxing in his own seat, his arm propped up against the window, a smirk that matched his piercing orange eyes.

“Just drive. Please.”

He felt bad. His reasoning didn’t ease his guilt, and to be frank, he didn’t have much of a reason in the first place. He just wanted a few hours to get away from _everyone._ Including himself.

“As you wish.”

Xemnas’ attention turned to the road as the car came back to life, speeding across the roads like they were his own personal race track. Leaving Sora behind. The bunched-up city life began to fade with each street, filling with more and more foliage. Eventually they reached his place, tucked away in the mountain side, nestled on the edge of Twilight Town.

Xemnas, being the perfect gentleman, pulled Roxas from his thoughts by opening the door for him. He hadn’t even noticed they’d arrived.

“You coming?” His expression was neutral, arms crossed against his broad chest. A frown tugged at his brows, impatience settling in. Roxas followed without a word, an unspoken silence settling between them.

How Xemnas could afford the mountain retreat that he owned, Roxas didn’t know. He didn’t pry into how he made his money. It was a large estate, yet cozy, windows covering most of the walls, open and free to the natural light. It was far enough into the woods to be free of prying eyes, though it always held the chance of a stray hiker or two wandering across them.

“You look like you need a drink.” Xemnas smirked as he unlocked the door, settling his keys on the counter softly when they entered. Roxas groaned in response.

“Is it that obvious?”

A chuckle sounded from the taller man, though he didn’t reply, making his way into the kitchen. His answer was enough to prompt him to grab a strong-looking whiskey from a shelf, two glasses following. It didn’t take long for the drink to be poured in the glass and be down Roxas’ throat, the burn welcoming.

“Need to talk?”

It was uncharacteristic of Xemnas. Roxas scoffed. “You don’t really peg me as the type to comfort. Not with _words,_ anyway.” He shook his head. “I’m fine.”

“If you say so.” He smiled, a small, soft crack of the lips. “So, what _do_ you want?”

Roxas didn’t miss a beat. “More alcohol.”

Xemnas chuckled. “That, I can do.” He handed the whiskey bottle over. Roxas didn’t pour it into the glass this time. “What else, Roxas?”

“Is it that hard to guess?” Another swig sent more drink coursing through his veins. “Here I thought you were smart.”

“Teasing like usual? It’s enough to make a man impatient.” Xemnas smirked, closing the distance between the two. Roxas was the one to make the first move, abandoning the alcohol behind him and raising on the tips of his toes to force their lips together, shutting his eyes as he did so. Xemnas’ hands moved to cup his ass, pulling him closer, upwards so Roxas’ waist was pressed against his own.

The blonde’s arms moved to rest on the other male’s chest, fingers snaking underneath his shirt as Xemnas began to walk. Roxas was pleasantly surprised when his back met the texture of the couch roughly, which meant one of two things: either Xemnas didn’t want the hassle of walking upstairs or he just couldn’t wait. Either way, he’d be getting his distraction, which is exactly what he needed. He opened his eyes as the kissing ceased, his lips aching from the loss of contact, meeting lusty amber eyes.

Without breaking eye contact Roxas moved so they were eye-to-eye, slightly out of breath, Xemnas being the one to look away and attack his neck, sucking on the weak points, ones he knew would make him tremble, ones he would focus on whenever Roxas would let him get the chance. Roxas let him, perfectly content with letting him carry on with the slow, incessant marks he’d leave. He needed a better distraction than a quick climax and go. A soft moan from his mouth made his thoughts flash to Axel, wondering what his reaction would be if the redhead knew what he was doing.

He pushed the thoughts down, ignoring any whim of the redhead. He was free to do as he pleased, despite any feelings he might have. Roxas would never hear from him again, so there was no use thinking of his opinion. He’d just go back to doing what he did before, giving into his guilty desires. Carry on as if Axel never even popped into his life.

Although he kept drilling the fact into his head, convincing himself that he didn’t _care,_ his mind waged war. One minute he’d tell himself to forget Axel. The next minute he’d kick himself for ever thinking he could.

Startling Xemnas, his body churning to life, snapping out of his daze, he pushed the man backwards roughly, moulding their lips together in a heated frenzy. While Xemnas’ hands roamed to his hair, and to his neck – which was already sore, probably marked – Roxas used his own to grab his shirt and pull it over Xemnas’ silver spikes. Within seconds his lips were on tanned flesh, teasing, sucking, biting, doing anything he could to take his mind off his thoughts.

He made his way down to the teasing buttons of Xemnas’ jeans, feeling his pelvis twitch, moving so slowly in the tease that he knew drove him crazy. When Roxas finally unhooked the buttons, watching glazed amber eyes, Xemnas let out a moan, using his hands to free Roxas of his shirt with one motion. They briefly met in the middle for a kiss, a sloppy mess of tongues, unfocused and uncoordinated. Roxas couldn’t care less. He let out a hiss when calloused hands brushed over his fresh bandages, though only deepened the clash of lips. Xemnas happily let Roxas enter his mouth, allowing full dominance just as usual.

He didn’t look to see if they had company, the window facing the couch full and revealing. If they did, it would be one hell of a show.

It wasn’t long before all the clothes were abandoned, bare skin creating friction, a heat growing in his veins. He didn’t _think_ as Xemnas began to kiss down his neck, his chest, his stomach, the inside of his _thighs,_ a slow tantalising pace that left him begging for more. A loud moan sounded out as Xemnas skimmed the front of his boxers with his fingertips, hooking underneath the band of elastic, watching Roxas as he slid them off. They landed somewhere on the other side of the room.

A strangled _squeak_ came from his mouth as Xemnas took him in whole, his tongue showing just how skilled he was. They’d never done _this_ before. Roxas had never let him.

An intense, hot sensation quickly began to build around the bottom of his stomach, causing him to grab the couch underneath him roughly, increasing tenfold as Xemnas began to swirl his tongue teasingly.

It wasn’t long before Roxas reached his quick climax, squeezing his eyes shut as his senses began to spin and crumble underneath him, panting filling the otherwise silent room accompanied by a loud, hoarse cry.

“ _Axel!”_

-

Fingers drummed against leather rhythmically, yet it went unnoticed by the culprit. He was too lost in thought to notice the nervous tick.

Nobody had heard from Roxas, and Demyx was worried. Worried for Sora, mostly. He was surprised he hadn’t had a heart attack with how stressed he was, at this point.

The brunette and Riku were searching for Roxas and from the few text updates he’d gotten, it didn’t seem they’d found him just yet. It wasn’t a rare occurrence for the blonde to disappear, but his therapist told Sora she was worried, and to keep an eye on him.

Yet there was no trace of him. Demyx had stayed behind, in Sora’s apartment, just in case Roxas came home.

Demyx had attempted to convince Axel to help him but he was shutting him out, refusing to talk and rarely leaving the confines of his room. He was _worried,_ his mood shifting not long after Roxas was found at his old house. They hadn’t spoken a word since then.

He pulled out his phone, typing a quick text as he bit his lip. Hoping. Maybe he’d get a response this way.

‘ _Roxas has gone missing. Are you sure you don’t want to help?’_

Riku had recounted the night just a few days ago to him, mainly as an explanation over why everyone was so worried. Why Axel brushed straight past him and wouldn’t talk.

It _couldn’t_ be that Axel didn’t want anything to do with Roxas. Demyx could see the affection he held as clear as anything. Whatever was running through Axel’s head…

It wasn’t long before Demyx sent a follow up to his message. _‘Don’t you care?’_

This time the reply came within seconds.

‘ _Leave me alone.’_

His phone ended up halfway across the room with a sigh.

-

The night sky was especially twinkling that night.

Roxas was resting on Xemnas’ upstairs balcony, his legs dangling off the edge, chin resting on his palm as he looked at nothing in particular.

Neither of them had spoken about the name he’d shouted out earlier. Nor had they stopped their actions. Xemnas was full of surprise at his reluctance to leave, though he _definitely_ made the most of it while he could.

Roxas turned as he heard a throat clearing behind him. _Speak of the devil…_

Xemnas stretched out his arm towards the blonde, offering a towel. “Thought you might like a shower.”

He murmured a ‘thanks’ as Xemnas stalked off afterwards. His voice sounded off – forced, unlike his natural silky tone. Understandable, yet...

Roxas didn’t take long to find the spacious bathroom. It held two separate bath and shower areas, sprawled across immaculate marble. He often wondered _why_ he never stayed. Or chose to sneak home instead.

Xemnas had already collected his things neatly in a pile, bar the shirt and pants he had put on. He’d almost forgotten how everything had been strewn across the living room in their heated frenzy.

Turning to the mirror he recoiled slightly. He didn’t… look great. Not at all. His hair was cast in different directions, and unlike his usual free-willed spikes, these didn’t... fit. Some of the hair still clung to his flushed face, almost like he’d been caught in the rain.

Dark, angry bites littered his neck, spreading to his clothed chest. They were going to be hard to cover up. Xemnas clearly liked to make his mark.

His phone was, luckily, still intact in his trouser pocket. A lot of messages and missed calls flashed up on his screen, including one from _Demyx,_ but none from Axel.

The warmth of the shower made a moan slip from his mouth unconsciously, stripping the sweat and anxieties away into the drain. At least for a while, anyway. A slight sting at the water seeping through the bandages caught his attention, mixing with the ache on his bruised flesh. It was a while before he rinsed off and emerged, feeling fresher than before. Even the bags under his eyes seemed to lift slightly, and his hair, although wet, looked normal again.

Roxas lifted his eyes as he stood in front of the slightly-fogged-over mirror. Looking at his reflection, the tired eyes searching back, he caught a glimpse of his former shell; before the coma, before he was freed, before _Axel._

He didn’t like it.

-

Freshly rewrapped – luckily, Xemnas had a first aid kit handy – and clothed, it didn’t take Roxas long to find the silver haired man around the house. Roxas’ hair had been pulled up into a ponytail at the nape of his neck, spikes pulled away from his face for once.

He was lying on his bed, hands underneath his head, staring at the ceiling. He seemed to be expectant of Roxas.

“Uh. Thanks… For the shower.” The air seemed to hang thick with uncertainty. He wasn’t sure if the gaze Xemnas was giving him was one of lust or disapproval. Maybe both. “I had to replace my bandages, so I took some from the bathroom. Hope you don’t mind.”

A swift move had the taller man standing next to him, cupping his chin, catching him off guard. He was forced to look into pleading amber eyes.

“ _Stay.”_

With that, lips were upon his, a soft kiss, one that convinced him to lose himself for another night, not letting himself think until the sun rose.

-

“Let me drive you home.”

Xemnas was being _abnormally_ kind, which was… strange. He just chalked it up to the fact he’d stayed over for once. Roxas took him up on the offer regardless, as a long walk home wasn’t appealing.

So there he was, at noon the next day, covered in hickeys, bruises, and tired beyond belief. Not to mention worried about the lecture he was probably about to receive. At least his phone had stopped buzzing.

A brief goodbye and a long walk up the stairs had him standing outside the apartment nervously. Reluctantly, his hand found the handle, somehow, and found the door was unlocked. The sound of the door opening felt deafening in his ears.

Two pairs of eyes met his – Riku’s and, surprisingly, Demyx’s. Sora was knocked out on the couch.

Riku was instantly on his feet, a frown marring his features. “Where the _fuck_ were you?”

Shit. Riku barely swore unless he was _pissed._

“I-”

“Do you realize how _worried_ Sora’s been?”

“Riku-” Roxas tried to say _something_ but was cut off by the other instantly.

“You can’t fucking _piss off_ whenever you feel like it! I don’t give a _shit_ what you’ve been through, that doesn’t excuse you acting like _this!”_ Riku’s eyes practically burned with anger, such anger that Roxas found himself speechless.

“Riku, you’re taking this too far...” Demyx started, but found himself under the scrutinizing gaze instead.

“Like hell I am! He needs to understand that people aren’t there just to pick up the pieces when he self-destructs over and over again!”

It was then that Sora sat up on the couch, eyes wide and focused on Roxas. “ _Rox?”_ It didn’t take him long to be at his side. “Why the _hell_ are you yelling at him?”

“Because I’m tired of this _shit_ Sora! You didn’t sleep all night because of him. And by the looks of him? He was having a _great fucking time.”_

Sora paused, finally inspecting Roxas’ neck. “Were you… with _Xemnas?”_

“It’s none of your business,” Roxas seethed, finally finding his voice. Riku looked like he was seeing red at that, though Sora was quick to retaliate.

“It’s my business when you’re my _brother!_ You said you were done with him! That you wouldn’t see him again.” His eyes narrowed.

“Well too bad.”

Sora didn’t get the chance to stop Roxas before he was gone, slamming the door to his bedroom. Behind the door he could only make out muffled voices, though Sora didn’t try to enter.

Probably knew better than that.

“- _don’t fucking care.”_ Riku’s voice sounded through the apartment, then a slam of the front door.

Things were deafeningly quiet then, and it wasn’t long before sleep claimed him.


	9. Rust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you to my Beta, @kunoichi21 <3
> 
> We're almost at 1000 views?!!? When did this happen, thank you guys for actually liking my little project aha. Hope you like what's to come, and for those who read Red, look forward to the changes...

“Hey, Roxas?”

A voice calling from the door pulled him from his dreams. He groaned, trying to force himself to return to sleep. The contents of his dream were a mystery, like wading through a thick fog, but leaving it didn’t seem appealing.

A knock on the wood rang through his ears, pulling him through another layer of groggy awareness. A half reply, half groan sounded in response.

“Can I come in?”

“Mmmm….”

He pulled the blankets tighter around his body as Sora entered, letting in an uncomfortable amount of light. He vaguely remembered returning home around midday, and now it was dark outside, leaving only the artificial light of the living room to illuminate anything. Rubbing his eyes, a yawn slipping free, he moved to grab his phone from the side of his bed, wincing at the screen. Yet again, no messages from an obnoxious redhead. Roxas wondered if Axel knew he’d been gone for a day. Wondered what his reaction might be if he knew what he’d been doing. Wondered if he’d even care.

“Did I wake you?” Sora sounded nervous, and he felt a little guilty. His brother was not a stranger to his outbursts… but he felt no rage. Only regret for snapping.

“...Pretty much.” He put his phone back and nestled into his blankets again. “What’s up?”

“I’m sorry… for overreacting.”

“It’s fine, Sora. You had every reason to.”

“I just… wish you would’ve told me, I guess.”

Oh yeah, because _that’s_ something he could casually mention to his brother. Talking about Xemnas, a guy that’s a _lot_ older than him.

“...Anything else? I’m beat.”

“I made dinner?” Roxas cocked his eyebrow upwards at that. Sora had a tendency to… burn things. “Riku’s out on business. Demyx stayed until he had to work, so it’s just me and you. I was thinking… it’s not too late, so we could go shopping for a Christmas tree. It’s only a couple of days away and we haven’t got one yet…”

Roxas never bothered about Christmas. Another holiday he never really experienced, no different from any other day for him. He didn’t mind, not really.

But he never stopped to think… did Sora mind? Was Sora craving the things they never had?

He was never the one to worry about getting hurt. Sure, he _witnessed_ it, and it affected him, but he didn’t have the constant worry of doing something wrong and getting punished for it. Doing something _right_ and getting punished for it. Sora had friends, Sora had a life. Roxas not so much. Constant fear stopped him from that.

“I’d be happy to.”

-

Sixteen hours later found Roxas being stuck with _dragging_ the tree to the apartment from Riku’s car, Sora happily trailing alongside him as he did so. Once inside, he used the last of his strength, and a little help from his brother, to shove the tree into its stump. His still-weak muscles screamed in protest as he fell against the sofa, limbs splaying outwards.

It was… a large tree. Apparently, Sora couldn’t settle for anything less than excessive. His puppy dog eyes be damned.

“Time to decorate it!” No sooner had the decorations emerged, Sora had gotten to work taking the tinsel out. _“_ _Rooooox_ _,_ don’t just sit down!”

“Gimme a minute…”

It didn’t take long for his eyes to slip shut, and the next time they opened, the tree was fully decorated, the night sky viewable from the window.

He yawned loudly, his arms stretching out above him. “Sora?”

“Hey, sleepy bum.” His brother appeared above him, a grin on his face. “What do you think?”

Although the tree was slightly misshapen, and the tinsel crooked, it threw off a very _Sora_ flair.

“At least it actually fits in the apartment.”

Sora whined. “That’s not what I meant!”

“It’s… nice.”

“... Better.” Sora shrugged, eyes darting to his pocket as a chime sounded out. The minute his eyes landed on the screen a small smile appeared on his face; Roxas waggled his eyebrows, smirking.

“What are you smiling at, Sora?” He asked innocently. “Or should I even ask? Probably _Rikuuuu.”_

“I’m not!” His cheeks flushed, looking up from his phone sharply. “S-Shut up!”

“Sora?”

“... What?”

“Why are you being so defensive?”

Sora replied with a groan, burying his head in his hands. A muffled ‘ _I’m not’_ could barely be heard. Roxas just hummed, his eyes slipping shut again.

Hopefully at some point they’d be honest with each other and admit their feelings.

He should probably take a page out of his own book.

-

Christmas Eve was uneventful, Roxas having spent most of the day alone. The apartment was rather festive, filled to the brim with decorations and lights. Sora had been given the unfortunate task of working the night shift, so when evening rolled around, Riku returned from his work trip, leaving the air feeling thick and tense.

A quick glance and a second of hesitation at the door before Riku disappeared into his room. The blonde huffed a sigh before returning to flipping channels on the television. So much for clearing the air.

Two hours, and about ten different channels later, a knock at the door prompted Roxas and his grumbling stomach to happily collect takeout from the delivery guy.

 _Knock._ “Riku? Food’s here.”

The only response he got was silence, not even the sound of the television in Riku’s room. “Come on, you can’t stay in there all day. We need to talk.”

 _Silence._ With a sigh, Roxas took the food to the kitchen, piling two plates full of steaming, heavenly Chinese. The leftovers went in the fridge for Sora whenever he returned.

“Talk, huh?”

The sudden appearance of Riku almost made him drop his plate, frowning at the near-miss.

“Hey, I do want my food you know.”

“Someone’s not sulking like usual.”

Roxas rolled his eyes, handing Riku his plate and heading to the sofa. “The only moody one is you lately.”

Riku scoffed at that. “Says the guy who disappears for a day to fuck a pedophile. Not the first time, either.”

“What the _fuck?”_ Roxas spoke around a mouthful of food, irritation rising. “What stick do you have up your ass? You’ve always had some sort of… _grudge_ against me, and I wanna know why!”

“I think I made my feelings clear the other night. You think you can do whatever you want and never face the consequences. You wanted to talk, didn’t you?”

“Why are you being so _spiteful?_ I disappeared for a day, and yeah that was an asshole thing to do, but why are you being like this?”

Riku spoke again, this time with a softer tone. “Because while everyone else scrambles to pick up your broken pieces, you just carry on without a care.”

“I’m sorry,” Roxas sighed, food forgotten. “How many more times do you want me to say that? I didn’t ask for _anyone_ to care so much. But… I know I can’t stop my brother worrying about me. Can’t stop him being there every time I fuck up.”

“Don’t-”

“I’m not going to apologise any more. I’m only human and I _fuck up, okay?_ I’d expect you’d be understanding because you know what happened. You know the shit I… I struggled with, Riku.”

Riku didn’t reply to that, instead digging into his plate of food. It was a couple mouthfuls before he spoke again.

“Are you going to see him again?”

“...Who?”

“Xemnas. Everyone’s favourite pedophile.”

“Don’t call him that.” Roxas frowned. He’d always ignored how _wrong_ it was. “I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not.”

Riku nodded. “Okay.”

They ate in silence, the television blaring some drama he’d never heard of before. It was only when Riku flashed him a half-genuine smile did he relax a bit.

 _Maybe not._ The name he’d shouted out in pleasure complicated things with the older man. _Maybe._ It was a nice escape, but only reminded him of what he really wanted. And that wasn’t Xemnas. The escape didn’t seem so appealing anymore.

-

 _“Mummy! Mummy, wake up!” Roxas giggled, his limbs_ _grappling to climb_ _up the bed to nestle in the sheets, Sora following close behind. The slumbering figure moved slightly, groaning. “Wake up! It’s Christmas!”_

_Blonde hair lifted from the pillow, a hand moving to her face to brush it aside. Blue eyes moved from the boys to the clock beside her, a yawn breaking free. “It’s five in the morning, boys…”_

_“But…” Sora started, matching blue eyes beginning to well up. “It’s Christmas…”_

_She grinned, clearly giving in. “Come on then. Let’s see if Santa brought you two anything, yeah?”_

_Two identical squeals could be heard, and they quickly clambered off the bed to the living room. Their_ _mother_ _wasn’t far behind, still groggy from sleep, though_ _she had_ _a bright smile_ _on_ _her face._

_“Oh wow! You boys got spoiled this year!” She giggled, hands tying her hair into a loose ponytail. “What should we open first?”_

_“The big one!” Sora shouted out, jumping in place, pointing to one of the large boxes at the back. “The big one!!”_

_“Roxas? What do you think?”_

_Both sets of eyes moved to him, and he stood uneasily for a second before breaking into a grin. “The big one!!”_

-

 _“You know_ _how_ _you told us you can speak to Santa?”_

_Luna’s attention diverted to him, her hands idly hugging her sides. “Yes, Baby?”_

_“Can you give him this for me?” Roxas stood up on wobbly feet and fell into his mother, arms wrapping around her tightly._

_What he didn’t see was how her eyes turned wide, body stiffening at the contact. Only for a split second._

_“Of course, Roxas.”_

_-_

Ever since he could remember he’d experienced no motherly love. Only hurt by her very hands. All of his memories, the ones he could piece together, were of pain and sorrow.

Roxas never thought that maybe, at some point, there was love. Pure love. It felt strange, like a different life, a mother he never had. Something he wasn’t sure if he liked or not.

-

Like a direct replay in his mind, Roxas was awoken Christmas morning by an excited brunette bursting into his room, hair cast in different directions like he’d just awoken seconds before.

“You’re awake!” His voice was rather loud for how early it was in the morning. By all accounts, Roxas didn’t _look_ awake, blinking blearily at his twin, though that wasn’t Sora’s focus, clearly. That was reinforced by the grunt in reply.

The rest of the day went by smoother than he would have expected. Although he would’ve liked to wake up later than six in the morning - and a jetlagged, coffee-loaded Riku would agree - the day had a sort of familiar glow to it. Gifts had been exchanged, music had been played, alcohol had been drunk. Even Tifa and Cloud had joined them, albeit teary at seeing Roxas full of life and awake. They hadn’t wanted to overstimulate him - for all he could remember they were relatives he’d never met.

After being stuffed with a large meal, and even more drink, the blonde was content to lazily converse with his makeshift family. Sora had belted out a variety of Christmas anthems before retiring next to Roxas, his new crown pendant sitting proudly atop his chest.

“This was… nice.” His cheeks were tinged with pink, a permanent lopsided grin to his face.

“Tifa seems to love you.”

Roxas sighed. “I got enough hugs to last a lifetime.”

“...Thank you for not hiding away to yourself. For not locking yourself in your room, sitting in your head.”

Roxas looked up to his brother, cocking his head to the side slightly. True, before he would have done exactly what his brother said, avoided contact if he could, unless it benefitted him in some way. He hadn’t realised how… complacent he’d become.

“It’s nice to have my brother back again.”


	10. Cyan

Sora had a problem.

A big problem.

One which he found himself mulling over a lot recently, staring off into space whenever he didn’t have the company of Roxas or Riku, the latter of which was causing the whole problem in the first place.

Sora had a crush on Riku. A rather deep one at that. And lately it had become quite a problem. They were _close._ Had been living together for years. Riku was his best friend, the person who had been with him through the Roxas problems. The person who encouraged him to meet a therapist, got him on his feet, and helped him find a job after school ended.

And Sora was hopelessly falling for him. He probably had been for a while.

Riku had always been _there,_ right behind him, a weight to support him whenever he needed it.

Ever since they’d first met.

_“Sora! Sora! Sora!”_

_His name being chanted like a mantra only_ _made the smile on his face grow larger_ _. Playing football was automatic to him, and he was_ good _at it. Everybody knew it._

 _That particular game his twin had_ _attended_ _. Their mom had been nice enough to let him come since it was their birthday. Twelfth to be exact. Not an important game, not by a long shot, but it was nice. Even at a young age it was nice to have his brother there._

 _Roxas didn’t look happy, though. It was that_ _fact_ _which made Sora’s smile falter, a little bit. The blonde kept rubbing his arm instinctively, and Sora knew if he_ _removed_ _the hoodie,_ _a large purple, angry bruise on his bicep would be revealed_ _._

 _He tried to focus. Tried. His head was swimming, and all he could think was how he wished someone would see. See the bruises that were always covered. Tell a teacher. Tell_ someone. _He didn’t want to lose Mom. But it pained him to see what was going on._

_Nobody ever saw. Nobody ever cared enough to look._

_“Sora, what the hell?”_

_He was being pulled aside. By the coach, maybe. His mind couldn’t focus. He couldn’t feel the ground underneath him._

_He couldn’t breathe._

_“What’s up with you?”_

_“Are you okay?”_

_“I think he’s had enough. Send him out the back. Get someone to fill in for him.”_

_He was being ushered somewhere, then silence. The silence was nice. Fresh, cool air on his face._

_“Hey.”_

_Maybe it wasn’t so silent. It was easy to clear his head without the commotion, and when he focused, he realised he was in the locker rooms. A silver haired boy sat on the bench in front of him, hair cascading down his shoulders in spikes. His green eyes seemed calm, trusting._

_Friendly._

_“Are you alright?”_

_Sora nodded at the question. The male patted the seat next to him, holding out a water bottle from beside him. The brunette obliged, taking the bottle from his hands and taking a large swig from it._

_“My name’s Riku. I just transferred here.”_

_Sora half-heartedly smiled. “I’m Sora.”_

_“I know_ _,_ _” Riku chuckled. “They seem to love you out there.”_

_“They do, don’t they?”_

_“I’ve never been good at football. Too fumbly for me.” Riku shrugged. “Never been a sporty kid.”_

He’d decided at that moment he liked the silver haired boy. They’d started hanging out after class, and casual conversations became a deep friendship. Kids turned into teens and along the way, his feelings became clear.

His biggest worry? Riku would turn him down. Or be repulsed, say he’s not gay, and then things would be awkward. Sora wouldn’t be able to stay. Neither would Roxas.

Sora fell back onto his bed with a sigh, closing his eyes. He was stuck. Totally and utterly stuck.

-

Only a few hours later Riku returned to the apartment in a tired daze. All he wanted was to collapse on his bed and sleep the frustration away. Work came with more stress than he could deal with, especially when the case they were working on turned cold. He hadn’t gone through a year of law school, graciously paid for by his parents, and worked his way up to the position of detective for _this._

He’d been put on the stingy jobs. The cases nobody wanted to do. Paperwork after paperwork after paperwork. The trip away, before Christmas, was supposed to be his big break. A case that had been on for years was passed off to him, and he’d found _something._ Though it was a fad, a pointless waste of time. He was right back at the beginning with no leads.

Getting nowhere.

His briefcase ended up on the floor along with a bunch of his clothes. The stifling suit abandoned. Slipping on some casual clothes, he headed to the living room, the smell of food drawing him that way.

He supposed he _could_ eat before he passed out for the night.

Sora wasn’t present, and Roxas was lounging on the couch. Strange, but he didn’t question it. It was nice to see Roxas up and about again, especially after their talk the other night. He’d changed, more than anyone realised. Sure, Riku didn’t agree with his decisions, but he respected Roxas. Respected he could make his own choices now.

Said blonde gave a disinterested ‘hi’ as he flopped on the couch, remote in hand. Riku’s eyes fluttered closed, head falling back onto one of the countless pillows provided by Sora, body starting to unwind.

“You alright?”

He reluctantly opened one eye to see Roxas giving him an odd look, one eyebrow raised. He put up one of his hands in a lazy dismissal. “I’m fine.”

Roxas scoffed. “Yeah, you look it.”

Before Riku could remark back a familiar voice called from another room, peppier than usual.

“ _Riku, is that you?”_

“Yeah, Sora,” he croaked out, the tiredness in his voice becoming apparent. Roxas gave him an ‘ _I told you so’_ look. He flipped him off in return.

 _“Would you like a Screaming Orgasm?”_ Sora asked nonchalantly, innocently. Riku choked, disguising it as a cough, waking him up enough to sit up straight. Not a single coherent reply came to mind.

“Or maybe Sex on the Beach, if that’s more to your tastes?” The brunette called out when he didn’t get a reply. Riku was still at a loss for words. “Or how about I give you Blue Balls?”

Unbeknownst to the stunned Riku, Roxas chuckled at that, masking his laughter with his sleeve.

He pretended to watch the television while their conversation resumed. He didn’t know what Sora’s angle was, but the gobsmacked expression on Riku’s face was funnier than he’d like to admit. _Luckily_ Riku hadn’t noticed his shaking form, desperately trying not to make the laughter known.

“Well? What do you want? I need some practice.” Seconds later Sora appeared in the doorway, a cocktail mixer in hand.

“You… Were talking about drinks?” Riku finally stuttered out, his cheeks dusted with red. His gaze briefly flicked to Roxas, who was watching the spectacle with an amused expression. Sora rolled his eyes, the shaker still in his outstretched hand.

“Of course, Riku. What did you think I was talking about?”

He opened his mouth only to close it again, shaking his head. “I’m… going to go to sleep. Rough day and all.”

Sora frowned, pouting slightly. “Alright.”

Seconds after Riku shut his door behind him, Sora had appeared next to Roxas in the living room, placing his head in his now-free hands with a groan.

“Sora? What the _hell_ was that?” Roxas asked quietly with a smirk. “That wasn’t you. Where’s my brother gone?”

“I-I don’t know. I wanted to see his reaction, I guess.” His voice was slightly muffled, mournful. Roxas sat up straight, eyebrows furrowing.

“His... reaction?”

“... Yeah.”

“ _Why?”_

“No,” Sora shook his head, hands falling from his face. “Don’t make me say it.”

Realization settled on Roxas’ features suddenly. He jumped from the couch, a rare, genuine grin spread across his face. “You _like him!”_

“Wh-What? No!” Sora rapidly shook his head. “Psh. Riku? As _if.”_

Roxas smirked. “And _that_ denial just made it more obvious.”

Another groan. “You can’t tell him.

“I’m surprised you even realised. It’s been obvious for a _long_ time.”

Sora gasped, falling into a panic. “No! No, it’s not. _How?”_

“Even if _you_ were too oblivious doesn’t mean the rest of us were. He… He makes you light up, you know?”

Sora’s eyes softened, a small smile appearing on his face. “Really?”

“Well, yeah. It’s like he puts you at ease, totally. You’re all smiles and bright eyes around him.” Roxas laid back on the couch, putting his arms behind his head. “Are you going to tell him?”

“I… don’t know. I can’t just say it… But I don’t know where to go from here.”

“I have a few ideas,” Roxas winked playfully, “if you want to hear them.”

-

The next few days took a surprising turn for Riku, arousing his suspicion as the days went on. If anything, it was a good distraction for Roxas, who still hadn’t heard anything from a certain redhead. His thoughts were occupied with how to push the two lovebirds together.

While Riku was at work, Sora would pace and worry, unless he was working himself. _Nothing_ seemed to get a reaction further than a blush from him. While Sora was too tense to say anything, his mind filled with doubts, it was up to Riku to step up first. Except he didn’t. He just carried on as usual, frustrating the twins to no end. As the days went by, Sora began to loosen up, teasing his affections further. Yet still nothing.

At least Sora’s antics were entertaining. Dancing around the subject was starting to become normal for him. His cheeks would redden whenever he noticed Riku’s stare, yet a coy smile would always emerge. The happiness in his eyes… it was something Roxas always wanted for his brother.

“Riku?” Roxas spoke as he was sitting on the couch, idly scrolling through job sites on Sora’s laptop. Unfortunately, they all needed the experience he didn’t have. The other male, who was lying down, arm draped across his eyes, shifted slightly so he could see the blonde, eyebrow cocked in a questioning look. Sora had gone out to grab them some food for the week, leaving the two alone in a quiet, empty apartment - a perfect opportunity to ask Riku something he’d been mulling over for a while. Reno had closed the bar for a few weeks as a goodwill gesture, although Sora assured it was because he wanted a peaceful holiday with his new boyfriend on some fancy resort.

Either way, Sora wasn’t complaining about the time off.

“How would you feel about throwing a party? For New Years?” Roxas moved his gaze from the laptop to Riku, who was now fully turned and looking at him like he’d just muttered a different language.

“...A party? You?”

Roxas huffed, returning his eyes back to mindless scrolling. “Sora’s never been to one. He always worried too much about me to leave for long.”

Riku’s face softened, though quickly grew amused. “Wow, you _do_ have a heart. Who knew.” He deadpanned. “Sure, why not. Just don’t go overboard. And I’m not helping.”

“Some best friend to my brother you are.”

“Your party, not mine.”

Roxas rolled his eyes, closing the laptop as he moved to cross his legs. “Know anyone that would want to come? I was thinking of getting the gang back together.” He faltered as soon as the words left his mouth. “Well, apart from Hayner.”

“Who, the idiots I work with?” Riku laughed, moving to lie back on the sofa after chucking an object at Roxas. After fumbling to catch it he realized it was Riku’s phone. “Kairi, Naminé, Olette, Pence… All their numbers are in there. Don’t get your hopes up though, party boy.”

He was determined to make it special, for Sora.

“Naminé? It’s Roxas. Are you and Kairi busy New Years?”

-

_“-your fault-”_

_“stop”_

_“you shouldn’t have been born, you-”_

Roxas awoke in a sweat, bolting upright, mind disoriented. Snippets of unsettled dreams faded as he awoke further, noticing it was in the dead of night. He laid back down with a heavy sigh, his gaze fixed to the ceiling.

Although a few messages sat on the display of his screen, none of them were the person he _really_ wanted to talk to. He could ring him, possibly even invite him to New Years. He knew he wouldn’t pick up, though. Or reply to his messages. Axel made that clear enough.

Maybe Axel really was done with him. If he was… _busy,_ he would have sent a reply by now. At least bothered to get in contact, one way or another. It was so… _strange._

His screen taunted him with a glowing two, his mind awake enough to let him know he wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon. Sighing deeply, he sat up, letting his legs dangle beneath him over the edge of the bed, his skin barely touching the cold wooden floor. The temperature was harshly dropping outside, frost licking the edges of the window panes. He wouldn’t be surprised if snow began to fall soon. He smiled at the thought, always loving the sight of snow and the flakes as they fell delicately. Sora’s happiness was the part he looked forward to the most.

Standing upwards he stretched his arms above his head, his shirt skimming lightly above his hips. Maybe a walk would clear whatever was bothering him.

Donning a faded pair of jeans, he grabbed a hoodie from the floor, fishing his lighter and a pack of cigarettes from the pocket before slipping it on, the hood skimming across his spikes. With his shoes in hand he left the bedroom, tiptoeing across the floor to the front door. Sora’s snoring could be faintly heard, signaling that he was fast asleep. He didn’t doubt Riku was too from how overworked he’d been recently.

Within seconds he was out the door without a sound, the art of sneaking out a second nature to him. Slipping on his shoes he double checked the spare key was under the doormat before heading down the deserted hallway. He was sure the two wouldn’t appreciate being woken up so early in the morning just because he forgot his keys.

Emerging into the fresh air outside was a welcome relief. Streetlights dotted around illuminated his path slightly, light frost already settled on the ground, his breath forming a cloud of vapor and rising up into the air. It felt eerily silent around him, though he ignored that fact as he turned to settle into a walk, raising a cigarette to his mouth and balancing it between his lips as he pulled out his lighter. After a few attempts, due to the chill of the air, he finally got the flame working, just managing to light it before it went out. Cursing, he took a drag before shaking it, freezing when his hand hit a solid object. Well, _half_ solid.

Eyes wide, he turned, expecting to get a punch in return, _until_ he saw who he hit. Demyx stood opposite him with a similar, stunned expression on his face. He raised a hand to rub his forehead, a slight red mark forming where Roxas probably hit. Seconds later a giggle rose from Roxas’ throat, unable to stop himself at the dumbfounded expression.

“ _Hey!”_ Demyx pouted, though smiled slightly. “You hit _me,_ and now you’re _laughing?”_

Roxas shook his head roughly, using his cigarette-free hand to muffle laughter. “I’m so _sorry.”_

“That sounds so sincere as you’re _still laughing.”_ Demyx rolled his eyes. “So, what’s got you out so late?”

“Couldn’t sleep. Thought I’d take a walk.” Roxas took a drag, shrugging. “Could say the same to you though. Don’t you live on the other side of town?”

“You got something troubling you? And… I like to jog, I guess. This area has some nice scenery, and this time of night is always more peaceful. Less watching eyes.”

“Maybe. Don’t know. If I do, I’m not _really_ sure what.” Roxas took another drag, which Demyx looked at in distaste. “Makes sense. How are you, though? How’s…” He trailed off, biting his lip. He almost automatically said Axel, the name just halting on his tongue before he spoke it.

Though it seemed Demyx knew who he was about to say. He almost didn’t want an answer. Didn’t want to hear that Axel was fine, being his usual flirtatious self, picking up anyone and everyone he could. People that were less effort, maybe. Didn’t want to hear, didn’t want confirmed that he couldn’t be bothered with a guy that was a jumbled mess of emotions.

“... Axel?” Demyx finished for him, his face becoming somber. Roxas furrowed his eyebrows, getting a different reaction than he expected. Though Demyx seemed reluctant, so, maybe…

“He’s... Well, I don’t know.” He shook his head, sighing. “We haven’t talked since that night a few weeks ago, when he found you. He’s barely home anymore.”

“... What?” Roxas blanched, confusion evident on his face. And disappointment. If he was out, maybe he had moved onto someone new. Spending time with his latest catch.

“He hasn’t talked to you since, has he? I guess I owe you _something.”_ Demyx seemed like he wanted to hold his tongue, but he carried on. “When he got in the car, holding you in his arms, he didn’t speak a word. Everyone was stunned. Your brother and him quickly got you into the house and resting. Sora assured you would be okay, and we trusted him, ya know? Axel came out looking like a ghost, and again, no word. We dropped Kairi and Naminé off in silence.

“He shut himself in his room and has been avoiding me ever since. Refused to speak to me. Still does.” Demyx closed his eyes, another sigh slipping from his lips. “And no word to you either?”

“I thought he was ignoring me.” Roxas confessed. “Because of that night. For all I know he may well be.”

Demyx shook his head. “I can’t speak for him. But if I know him at all... This isn’t him. How he’s acting. If it is, then… That’s not the Axel I know.”

The two stood in silence for a while, Roxas’ cigarette burnt out and forgotten. He’d _convinced_ himself that Axel didn’t care, that there was no other option. Even with knowing what Demyx had just told him… How was he supposed to get through to him?

“Hey… I almost forgot.” Roxas started, an idea forming in his mind. Maybe he’d get answers this way, even if it meant _closure._ “I’m throwing a surprise party for Sora - New Years. You should come… bring as many people as you want. God knows I don’t have connections.”

Part of him didn’t expect Axel to come but… he had to hold out hope. A thing he’d lost years ago, something he didn’t really think he’d expect to feel again.

“Can I help set up?” Demyx asked eagerly, his expression changed in an instant. “I _love_ parties! Oh gosh, Sora’s going to _love_ this!”

Roxas laughed slightly at his enthusiasm, nodding gratefully. “Sure. Riku’s already refused to help.”

“Party pooper.”

“Like always.” The blonde rolled his eyes. “So, I’ll see you Saturday?”

“Saturday it is.”

-

Saturday came around quickly, the winter chill still evident in the air, though the sun managed to burst out briefly. Despite that, it felt like there was a storm in one particular house. Specifically brewing in Axel’s bedroom.

“Axel!” Demyx hammered his fist against the closed wooden door, the loud noise reverberating around the silent house. “Open this goddamn door or I’ll do it for you!”

“What the _hell_ do you want?” A groggy voice barked back, muffled under what was probably a mountain of pillows. Demyx sighed, shuffling on his feet.

“Roxas is throwing a party for Sora. You’re coming with me whether you like it or not.” He growled, crossing his arms roughly. “If I have to drag you out of that bed I _will.”_  
One way or another, Axel _would_ be getting out of that bedroom.


	11. Pink

Demyx was met seconds later by the surprising swing of Axel’s door, and what was definitely a sight for sore eyes. His messy bedroom was covered in darkness, bed a collection of blankets and pillows strewn everywhere. Axel himself looked like he’d just awoken. His hair was haphazardly spiking everywhere, eyeliner smudged and his body smelling faintly like alcohol. _Jeez._

“Oh, I’d like to see you try,” Axel sneered, holding onto the doorframe for support. Large, dark bags hung underneath his eyes, only furthering Demyx’s confusion. Furthering his questions.

“I’m leaving,” Demyx sighed. “Larxene and Marly will pick you up later. You _better_ be dressed and cleaned up by then. Seriously, you smell like a goddamn dumpster.”

“Whatever.”

“They’re under strict orders to get you, _no matter what_ state you’re in. I’m tired, they’re tired, _everyone’s_ tired of the way you’re acting. Snap out of it. I don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours, but you need to sort yourself out. You don’t even _need_ to talk to anyone tonight. Just _get out of your room._ It’s not good for you. _”_

“How would you know what’s good for me?” Axel snapped, looking away. Demyx knew he was getting through, _finally._ This was the most he’d gotten in weeks.

“Because I’m your best friend. And get something to eat, too. I can see your arms shaking, even as you lean on the door. You’re not fooling anyone.” Demyx spoke softly as he reached his arm out to rest it on Axel’s shoulder, causing him to flinch and pull away.

“I said whatever… I’ll see you later.”

With that he shut the door, leaving Demyx standing in the hall, conflicted about whether he should leave him alone or not. He had to remind himself that Axel dealt with things alone, in his own space. Couldn’t be pushed too much.

It was welcoming to hear that when he left the house, party supplies in hand, the shower was running directly above.

-

Roxas was awake before noon. To Sora, it was a miracle. However, Roxas was growing more and more frustrated by the second trying, and failing, to get Sora out of the house.

“Why do you want to get rid of me so badly? Anyone else would think you’re hiding something,” Sora complained, dramatically throwing his arm over the back of the sofa. Although he was clearly joking, it was ironic how close he was to the truth. Roxas pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration.

“Yeah, I’m sure it’s _super_ hard to lounge around all day.”

Demyx would arrive any time soon and his plan would be all for naught. Sora would be naturally suspicious, and the supplies he was bringing would be a dead giveaway. Before Sora could reply, however, a knock rang through the apartment, Roxas’ eyes darting to the door. Either Demyx had arrived and they were screwed, or by some twisted chance of fate, a miracle had arrived.

Luckily it was the latter.

Kairi and Naminé stood in the doorway as he opened it, both bundled up against the cold weather outside. Kairi had a pale pink hoodie drowning her frame, while Naminé donned a stylish white trench coat, a matching beanie atop her head. Naminé’s cheeks were dusted from the cold, her teeth chattering, though she cocked her head to the side upon seeing Roxas’ desperate expression.

“Can you get Sora out of the house?” He begged in a low tone, looking around the hallway and noticing in relief Demyx hadn’t arrived. Yet. “Please?”

Kairi waved her hand in dismissal. “Leave it to us,” she whispered back before walking past Roxas, bringing the hood of her hoodie down. Naminé followed suit, bringing Roxas in for a hug before whispering in his ear.

“We came to see if you needed any help. Want both of us to go with Sora? Or do you need help setting up?”

Roxas nodded. “He might get suspicious if you stay. He’s already being too damn stubborn.”

“Alright.” Naminé nodded, smiling as she followed her adoptive sister down the hall. They emerged into the living room to see Sora still lying on the couch, Kairi bent over slightly as she ridiculed his languid form.

“Sora, you lazy bum! Get your butt off that couch and get ready! We’re going shopping!” She announced, throwing the blonde a wink. _Smooth. Not obvious at all. “Now._ I don’t want to miss the sales, and you were always my best shopping buddy.”

The brunette jumped from the couch excitedly – sales _were_ his weakness – only to have his wide grin fall. “But… Roxas doesn’t like shopping. He always whines it’s too boring, like it would damage his masculinity just to be seen standing outside the changing rooms.”

A giggle burst from Naminé’s mouth yet was instantly stifled by a glare from Roxas. Kairi just laughed, hands on her hips as she regarded Sora. “And that’s why it’s just us going. God forbid we wreck his masculinity.”

“Oh. Er, okay...” Sora spoke unsurely, his eyes darting to his brother.

“I’ll be fine. Go – you haven’t had some quality time with them in a while. They _are_ your friends, Sora.” Roxas rolled his eyes at his reluctance, not even trying to hide his concern. “I’ll see you later, and we can all hang out and order food, yeah?”

Sora visibly relaxed and nodded in agreement, his previous ‘tiredness’ already clearly forgotten about. Roxas only sighed in relief when they were out of the door, safe from any prying ears, hastily grabbing his phone and typing in Demyx’s number. Within a few rings the other male answered, slight static playing in the background, though the chirpy voice was undeniably his.

“Is the coast clear? I’m almost at your apartment block. Waiting to hide around the corner if need be,” his voice echoed through the speaker. “I am not going to be the one spoiling this surprise party.”

“Do you tend to make a habit of that?” Roxas smirked, walking to the kitchen to grab something to eat, and maybe a coffee. Or two. “Kairi and Naminé just left with him. I’d make sure they’re gone before you head on up.”

“Roger!”

“Did you invite anyone for tonight? I found a few people, but...” Roxas spoke uneasily. If Demyx hadn’t, the party would be… small. And then there was the question of whether a certain redhead would be arriving.

“Of course. When do I ever not go all out?” Demyx’s laugh could be heard. “The last party was _nothing.”_

Roxas sighed, leaning against the counter. “Am I going to regret this?”

“Too late for that! …Oh! They’ve just driven away, no curious eyes spotted. Great tactic by the way.”

“They practically reeled him in with the prospect of shopping. He’s every woman’s dream gay best friend.” Roxas took a sip of his coffee, reveling in the warmth. Laughter followed down the line.

“I’ll be right up.” The call disconnected afterwards, leaving Roxas with the abrupt dial tone. He stuffed his phone into his pocket and took his coffee with him to where Sora had sat previously, a small pile of various junk foods left in his wake. Rolling his eyes, Roxas began to pick up his messes, only stopping when the doorbell rang.

Demyx was on the other side, a large cardboard box underneath one arm and what looked like an alcohol cooler held in the other.

“Ready to throw the best party you _ever_ will?”

-

Their apartment wasn’t large, not in any retrospect. Their three-bedroom place only boasted an open space they used as a living room, kitchen and hallway connecting it all. One bathroom.

Yet somehow, hours later, it was filled to the brim with dancing bodies and happy drunks.

The two had spent a fair few hours mixing various drinks, which they stockpiled in the kitchen, looking colourful and _lethal._ Surprisingly , Roxas picked the skills up quickly, and _that_ paired with the brief amount of time he’d spent in the club with Sora produced some decent looking drinks. A _lot_ of pizza sat on the worktops, and although the smell was tempting, they were missing a few people.

At least he thought so. Roxas routinely manoeuvered through the crowd of dancers and mingling people, and still saw no sight of his brother.

“When’s Sora meant to be back?” Demyx shouted in his ear, barely being heard over the music. His speech was only slightly slurred, though his face beheld a large grin. Carefree as always.

“No clue. Whenever Kairi and Naminé bring him back, I suppose. I told them around seven...”

-

Sora was… bored, to say the least.

They’d dragged him across countless stores, spent hours trying on outfits, went out to lunch… only to go to buy more clothes. They’d only bought a couple each so far, complaining they were _too short, too long, too tight, too loose, too… cleavage enhancing._

Every time he brought up actually _going home_ _,_ they’d just share a glance and make up an excuse, saying there was a really good place with some amazing sales next.

Another sigh. He glanced at the changing rooms, cocking his head to the side slightly. They’d just gone in to try a couple of _coats._ Saying they had to see it from every angle.

Whatever that meant.

He grinned as an idea formed in his head. Sure, he liked shopping, but they were _clearly_ hiding something. Sora wandered through the racks, picking mainly pink for Kairi, while choosing white for Naminé, stalking off to his previous spot when he was satisfied.

“Hey, Kairi? Nams?”

A muffled reply came from each of the girls, Sora taking a deep breath, hoping they wouldn’t find him suspicious. It was no secret that he’d been wanting to get away for a while.

“I found some clothes that are just to _die_ for.” _Ouch. Maybe_ _that was_ _just a bit too much._ “I thought you might be interested in these?”

Two heads emerged from behind separate curtains, both of their eyes widened in curiosity. Thankfully, neither questioned him, nor saw an underlying motivation.

“... Thanks Sora!” Kairi grinned. “You wait right there, okay?”

He hummed in agreement, the grin still plastered on his face. It disappeared the moment the curtains fell back, and he was, for a few minutes, free from any watching eyes. As he made towards the storefront, he abandoned the few pieces he’d been carrying around and slipped out, starting the walk home, thankful it was only a short one when he found it sleeting outside.

At least he could finally get away from the _clothes._

“...Hey Sora, this is actually really cute!” Kairi’s muffled voice could be heard as she checked out the unusually-zippered pink dress inside the changing rooms. “Sora?”

Pulling back the cream curtains, she was met with an empty space, frantically scanning through the store trying to spot the spiky haired brunette to no avail. She cursed under her breath, slightly pulling back Naminé’s curtain to see her smoothing down a simple white dress, one which complimented her figure rather nicely, more curves visible than she usually showed off.

“Sora’s gone.”

Naminé’s eyebrows raised upwards, clearly impressed with how quickly he took off. She glanced to her dress, pausing for a moment. “... Can I buy this first?”

-

Fifteen minutes later a freezing, sopping wet brunette arrived at his front door. His hair, once spiked, was now pulled back into a low ponytail that showed his usually hidden facial features. A small puddle had formed at his feet from where he was trying to fish his key from his pocket, not knowing if anyone was home. Not like he could’ve called, as his phone was hanging lifeless in his soaked, dripping clothes.

He frowned as _music_ seemed to pulse from behind the door. And not the type to blare from a radio, either. Must’ve been a loud neighbour.

Sora was proved wrong when he entered a crowd and dance music pounded in his ears. His eyes scanned the crowd, looking for a sight of his brother - or even _Riku -_ but nothing. Just endless people with what seemed like hundreds of red cups. And, from the staggering, unfamiliar guy by the entrance, whatever was inside was strong.

He _definitely_ didn’t know this many people, and he doubted there were any of Riku’s workmates attending. Roxas wouldn’t go to this much effort, _would he?_

Sora visibly relaxed when he spotted Roxas leaning against the wall, idly chatting with two familiar faces he would have been _ecstatic_ to see any other night. Jumping for joy. But he was too confused to piece anything together.

“... _Rox?”_ Sora finally spoke as he willed his feet to move towards the small group. He noted Demyx was there too, likely the mastermind behind the whole thing. He should’ve known.

At the sound of his brother’s voice, Roxas stilled, his attention darting from the conversation he was having to Sora, standing _alone,_ confused, and sopping wet. Naminé and Kairi nowhere to be found.

“What... is this?” Sora questioned, motioning to the surrounding area, causing Roxas to wince. “Does somebody want to explain what the hell is going on?”

Roxas stuttered, mind whirring, trying to think of a response but _nothing,_ snapping his gaze to Demyx. He just shrugged, looking sheepish. It was never his problem, his plan, it was _Roxas’._

The blonde’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he had to guess it was Kairi or Naminé. He let it ring, gaze still locked with his brother, swallowing as he tried to will words from his mouth. And Sora was still _standing there,_ eyes wide like a deer in the headlights.

“I… wanted to throw a party to surprise you. It’s the least you deserve.” He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, averting his gaze. “Emphasis on the surprise…”

Sora stood still for a few seconds, head cocking to the side, various emotions playing on his face. “Let me get this straight… You, the antisocial Roxas, threw a party… for _me_?”

Roxas shrugged, looking embarrassed. _Feeling_ _embarrassed_ _._ “Uh... Yeah?”

He was enveloped into a bone crushing hug not even seconds after he finished his sentence, all the air from his lungs escaping before he could take another breath. A sigh of relief fell from his lips as he returned the hug with just as much fervor, which seemed to shock Sora, who pulled away to see his expression. What Roxas hadn’t realised, until he stared at Sora’s gobsmacked expression, was the fact that that had been the first willing hug he’d given in years.

Sora shook his head free of his daze and grinned, looking to the rather content Pence and Olette standing beside them, hands interlinked. Sora noticed this, eyebrows furrowing, though his grin grew wider. “Are… you two?”

Olette was the one who nodded, a happy giggle sounding out. “We’re… engaged, actually. We were hoping to talk to you before we sent out invites, though Roxas here… He bridged the gap we were unable to.”

“It was great to hear you’re awake,” Pence nodded. “We… weren’t expecting that.”

“Wait.” Sora paused. “ _Engaged?”_

Olette blushed, nodding. “Yeah, a few months ago. It was so romantic…”

Roxas chose this moment to slip away, politely excusing himself to grab another drink. He figured he might as well enjoy himself while he could, before the alcohol ran out and people went home. Roxas wasn’t _as_ tipsy. He slyly grinned as he looked around, a small sense of satisfaction hitting him at how well he and Demyx had pulled his surprise off. Even Riku seemed to be having fun, talking animatedly in the corner with a rather attractive girl he’d never seen before. It was nice to see him genuinely smiling, for once.

He went straight to the drinks, pouring himself a concoction he made earlier that he _knew_ was strong, taking a long swig. He barely heard the door open, a couple voices sound out, and hesitant footsteps, before he was face to face with the very person he’d been trying to talk to for weeks.

And the redhead looked… _haggard._ His face was sunken, eyes dull – almost glazed over – no longer the bright, glittering jade that Roxas realized he’d come to love looking at. The rest of his appearance seemed to be the same, almost like he remembered, but his clothes hung slightly looser on his already-too-skinny frame, and those dull, dull eyes were wide, shocked, reserved. To anyone else it would be a subtle difference. Keen to the signs of a downward spike, however, he knew otherwise.

The first thing Axel did was examine his arms, which were clearly visible with a light, short-sleeved t-shirt. Apart from the reddened scars from his recent relapse, which seemed to be healing nicely thanks to Riku’s handiwork, his arms held only faint, white lines. Scars that had healed. The blonde stifled a growl, his anger rising. Just seeing him, standing there, everything he had bubbled in his mind those past few weeks rose to the surface. All the things he thought about _himself,_ the things Axel had made him feel, the acceptance and the hurt and the hate just tearing itself through his veins.

_And the first thing Axel did was look at his arms._

“Why don’t you take a picture? It’ll last longer.” Roxas seethed, eyes narrowing. “Are you really so shocked to see me _here?_ Where I _live?”_

“Always with the snide and sarcasm, huh Roxas?” Axel snapped in reply, taking the blonde aback. He’d only ever seen this side of him – the hard, cold side – with Larxene. And even that instance was brief.

“Oh, you know me. Sarcasm’s my middle name,” Roxas snapped back. Maybe _that_ wasn’t far from the truth. “You’re one to talk. Who can _even tell_ when you’re being serious?”

Axel frowned, staying silent. Urging him to continue.

“One minute you show interest and the next you ignore me like I’m _nothing.”_

The redhead took a step closer and Roxas could see now he genuinely looked distressed, green eyes blazing with a thousand conflicting emotions and thoughts. Roxas could barely hear the background noises of everyone counting down the seconds to New Years, Larxene’s shrill voice added to the mix.

_Nine._

“You need to stay away from me,” Axel warned, voice low.

_Eight._

Roxas shook his head, a strangled laugh making its way through his throat. “And why the hell would I do that?”

_Seven._

“Because I’m not right for you!” Axel closed his fists as he spoke, anger steadily rising.

_Six._

“Why the hell do you think _that?_ Surely _I_ should be the judge of who I want to spend _my time_ with?”

_Five._

“Because,” he inhaled deeply, seemingly at war with his mind over what to say. “I… I made you do that!” Axel gestured to his marked arm, deep guilt and grief written all over his face.

_Four._

Roxas stilled. The whole reason he’d been ignoring his texts, seemingly avoiding all contact altogether… was because he thought it was _his_ fault. Although to an extent, it was _true,_ it would have happened sooner or later. That was Roxas’ _thing._ He ran, away from feelings, and away from himself. And now… it was time to stop running. He realised that now. It _pained_ him to think Axel was burdened with that guilt. One look at his face and it was clear he was, looking as if he could bolt straight out the door if given the chance. Clearly, he’d been dragged here and was looking more distressed by the millisecond.

_Three._

“You think this is your fault?”

_Two._

Axel seemed bewildered that he’d even question the statement, his eyes widening in disbelief.

_One._

Axel wasn’t ignoring him because he lost interest. He wasn’t just _moving_ onto another person to play around with. It all clicked into place. The sudden abandonment, ignoring him, the sickly appearance… he _cared,_ cared for the blonde, and the fact that he thought it was his fault, the guilt, it was killing him.

_Happy New Year!_

Roxas tuned out the noises and cheers in the background. That was the least of his concern.

“Of _course_ it’s my fault. I’m an idiot and–”

Axel was abruptly cut off by a hasty kiss from Roxas, completely off balance and more of a smash-of-the-mouth thing. Roxas had to stand on his tiptoes, awkwardly using the counter to keep balance while pulling on Axel’s shirt to bring him downwards. Although it was sloppy and unorganized, and Axel was just standing there in shock, it was just as he imagined.

Whatever compelled him to silence the other male with a kiss was something he was glad for when Axel began to reciprocate, his lips pressing back against his own, moving like clockwork, fitting together like a puzzle piece. Roxas wrapped his arms around Axel’s neck, angling himself to sink deeper into the slow, passionate kiss, both parties letting out various conflicting feelings that had been held in far longer than needed. Just letting it all _go._

It was a completely different experience, one he’d never known before. Different to kissing Xemnas, or even Hayner for that matter. More comforting than he’d ever known and fueled by a fire deeper than he ever thought possible. Instead of just using intimacy as a means to an end, rushing to get things over and done with, he felt so _content_ just kissing Axel in the minimal privacy of their kitchen. Not that anybody mattered in that moment anyway, whether they were watching or not. His mind was utterly focused on what was happening in the now, the feel of Axel’s lips hot on his own, a moment he wished would never end.

The illusion had to end at some point though, snapping him back to reality and leaving him to deal with the aftermath. Axel was the one to pull back first, opening his eyes slowly, almost reluctantly. It was like he thought things would go back to what they had been the minute he opened his eyes. He seemed nervous, like one wrong move could shatter things between them like glass. With a hint of regret, he realised he hadn’t given Axel a reason to think otherwise.

“To answer what you said earlier… Yes, you’re an idiot.” Roxas smirked, breaking the silence that had hung over the two, his words pulling Axel out of the daze he seemed to have found himself in. “But… this?” He motioned to his arm, only then unwrapping them from Axel’s neck,

“This wasn’t your fault. Not even in the slightest.” Roxas took a deep breath, almost not wanting to say the words that he was about to. “It… would have happened sooner or later anyway.”

Axel’s expression fell at the thought, though he nodded. “I _was_ being stupid, huh?” He shook his head, straightening up a little. “I’m sorry. I’m quick at jumping to conclusions, aren’t I?”

“Well, I’m sure this situation has one conclusion you can safely jump to.” Roxas left a light kiss on Axel’s lips, lazily smiling. “I should apologise too. Running was not the best idea.”

“You, apologising? My, Roxas, this is a rare sight.” Axel grinned, moving his hands to lightly rest on Roxas’ hips. “What made you run, exactly?”

He shrugged, averting his eyes. Axel used one of his hands to tilt his chin upwards, giving him a reassuring smile. Roxas gave one in return. “I guess I just don’t deal too well with my emotions. I always used to run.”

“Used to?”

“Mmm. I’m tired of running. Tired of hiding myself away.”

The redhead’s expression changed into one of slight awe. “You’ve changed a lot since we officially met, Rox. I’m proud of you. Honestly.” He leant down slightly, pressing his forehead against Roxas’, staring into the eyes he adored. “You… Even if you’re struggling, you don’t have to hide yourself away from me. Let me be here for you. Make it up to you.”

Roxas nodded, a genuine smile making its way to his face. His lips met Axel's again, breifly, in a kiss to let him know he was grateful. To let him know he'd  _try._ "Okay."


	12. Yellow

Luckily nobody had noticed Roxas and Axel’s little escapade in the kitchen, both  revelling in avoiding the aftermath. Demyx was surprised to see the two talking, though Roxas assured they just needed to have a long  _ talk. _

And talk they  _ did. _

Nobody noticed or questioned as the minutes ticked by and neither moved from the other’s side, apart from  refilling drinks . Not a single pair of eyes noticed the casual looks and glances they shared between them. And nobody saw how Roxas was leaning his weight a little  _ too  _ much on the other man to just be friendly, his hand occasionally resting on his arm, or Axel putting his arm around the blonde’s shoulders.

“I have to tell ya, Roxas,” Demyx started, his drink sloshing around in his cup as he spoke, “although most of the people here  _ are  _ ones I know, you do know how to throw a good party.”

“Wait , ” Axel looked at the blonde with curious green eyes . “This was  _ your  _ idea?”

Roxas sighed under his breath, narrowing his own eyes. “So  _ what?” _

“He threw it for his brother , ” Demyx explained, his face morphing into a soft expression as his eyes fell on Sora, who was chatting happily to a few partygoers. “I think it’s sweet. He’s never been to a party before.”

Axel’s eyebrows furrowed as he was reminded of those words that Sora had singed into his mind all those weeks ago, the words that had shocked him just as much now as they did then.

That… was a talk they’d have to have sooner or later. Though if Roxas was too _fragile_ _–_ which he worried he was – would they _ever?_ Would Roxas bury it deep inside again, ignore it, trample on his feelings and push Axel away all over again?

“Hey!” A voice wormed its way into his subconscious, the voice owned by the very male he was thinking of. “Earth to Axel…”

“Hm?” He hummed, focusing himself on the blonde again, still dazed. Roxas chuckled, gaze drawn away not long after , to Sora , who was mournfully staring at what turned out to be Riku clearly flirting with an attractive brunette on the other side of the room. She seemed to be enjoying the attention, which only made the situation  _ worse. _

“Oh lord , ” Roxas sighed. Axel furrowed his eyebrows, following his gaze to the silver haired man, only to mirror the blonde’s sigh.

“Isn’t he…”

“Infatuated with Sora? Always has been, as far as I know , ” Roxas replied. “I… honestly can’t say I know what’s going on. Sora even admitted to me he was into him.”

It was then that Demyx butted in, eyes wide. “He  _ what?” _

“I may have wormed it out of him… Took longer than it should have. But he admitted it, plain as day.”

“See,” Axel waggled his finger at the dejected Sora, who still hadn’t noticed them, “I always thought it was the other way around? What parallel universe did I stumble into?”

“Is that your only explanation?”

“Explains why you’re being nice for once.”

“Hey!” Roxas playfully pushed his arm, earning a smile in response. “Do you  _ really  _ want me to go back to hating you?”

“Well, I certainly did enjoy the teasing.” Axel winked. “But if you hated me, could I do...”  he leant down slightly, lips barely millimeters away from Roxas’, so close the blonde could feel his steady breath against his lips. “...This?”

Roxas turned, eyes wide, expecting to see Demyx in a confused state. The space next to him was empty, and the other blonde had left to talk to some other people. Nobody in the room was concerned about the two boys having a seemingly innocent conversation.

Axel used his finger to bring Roxas’ face back to his own, a lazy smile appearing. Roxas was the one to close the gap, lips barely pressing against the other’s, a soft touch that ended as quickly as it started.

“I guess you can’t.” Roxas laughed, a genuine one, his cheeks slightly tinged with pink from the short embrace. The grin he got in return made him falter, because it was so  _ brilliant,  _ so happy, almost mesmerising.

“I don’t think I’ve ever properly heard you laugh.” Axel seemed in awe. “Not like that. Not so… happy.”

“You’re to blame.” Roxas spoke unashamedly, softly smiling. “I… am happy.”

“I hope to make you laugh like that for a  _ long  _ time. It’s all I ever wanted for you.”

-

Sora couldn’t take his eyes off them. Riku hadn’t been seen without a cup in his hand the whole time, too concerned with bouncing from girl to girl to be interested in talking with him. Not even a word. Then he’d found that  _ brunette,  _ a pretty, blushed-up girl who was more than happy to flirt, her fake laughter chiming in every so often. Sora wanted to scowl, chase her away, be the only person that Riku was flirting with.  Instead, he was stuck watching from the sidelines, being  _ ignored,  _ feeling his heart crumble because it seemed Riku just didn’t  _ care _ .

Sora wasn’t the type to march up and  _ claim  _ his man. But oh god he wanted to. Sora just wasn’t brave enough, wasn’t confident enough, wasn’t  _ spiteful  _ enough.

Too kind for his own good, as he’d often been told.

If he confessed, what did he even expect to happen? Riku wasn’t  _ interested.  _ Riku was perfectly happy chatting up various girls, that sly, flirtatious grin  _ stuck  _ on his  _ stupid  _ face.

The worst situation? Riku would reject him , possibly even kick both him  _ and _ Roxas out. They’d have nowhere to go.

The best situation? He’d get everything he  _ wanted.  _ But even the idea of that was too far-fetched to be possible.

So , Sora just kept watching, nibbling at his bottom lip, arms crossed as he picked at his shirt. Something to distract his hands ; he was too agitated, just watching,  and not doing  _ anything _ about it _. _

It was only when Riku began to get closer  to the girl , leaning in, his lips barely brushing hers, did  Sora let his feet carry him,  _ knowing  _ he’d regret it.  He only stopped when he was standing in front of the two.

“H-Hey…” He spoke, barely a whisper, desperation leaking onto his face as they sunk further into each other, the kiss becoming more intense, not noticing Sora at all. “Hey!”

It was then that they broke apart, Riku the one to make the move, although reluctantly. He frowned as he saw Sora standing in front of them,  the  _ look  _ on his face all too clearly saying the words Riku wouldn’t speak.

“What are you doing?” Sora cried out, his eyes darting between the two.

“I’m enjoying the party, Sora. You should be too.” Riku rolled his eyes, putting his arm around the  girl’s shoulders. “After all,  _ you’re _ the guest of honour.”

His voice sounded so…  _ cold. _

“... Riku?”

“Yes?”

“What is up with you?” Sora was _hurt,_ and it didn’t seem to faze Riku in the slightest. “What…” He looked to the girl, who was scowling, then back to Riku again. “Can we… go talk?”

Riku furrowed his eyebrows. “What about?”

“Just… please?”

He shrugged, looking between the girl and Sora before removing his arm from her. “Lead the way.”

Sora made his way towards his room, glad to be free of bodies and finally having some peace, although the music still  drifted in through the closed door , background noises of chatter mixing in. Riku stood near the doorway, arms crossed,  appearing disinterested. Sora also noticed how he swayed slightly, a falter to his step. He was drunk, heavily at that.

“So, what did you want to talk about?”

“You!” Sora gritted his teeth, beginning to pace. “Her… You’re not acting like yourself at all.”

“What, me attempting to hook up with a girl is  _ not myself?” _

Sora ignored the faint pang at the plain admittance as to what Riku was doing. He didn’t even try to hide how much he… didn’t  _ care. _ “You being an  _ asshole  _ is not yourself.”

“Why are you so damn interested in what I’m doing? You’re not my  mother .”

“I know I’m not!”

“Then why do you care so much?” Riku  shouted, narrowing his eyes,  turning to make his exit .

“Because I’m in love with you!”

Riku  paused , back still to Sora, hand frozen as it was halfway to the handle. He took a second  – only a second  – then composed himself, his hand bridging that gap to the metal. He looked over his shoulder, eyes not quite meeting Sora’s, and spoke with a voice that was thick with ice.

“Enjoy the party.”

Sora was too stunned to reply to the blatant smack in the face.  His feelings, his confession… It was  all out in the air.  Riku knew now. Riku  _ knew,  _ and… left.

He left.  Probably to go fuck the girl he’d been with  prior to their conversation. Ignoring the person who was supposed to be his best friend,  ignoring how Sora had admitted his feelings, poured his heart out to him.

It was then that his legs crumpled underneath him, sagging to the floor with his head bowed. The room was still dark, save for a lone streetlight barely illuminating anything. To anyone who may have entered, nothing was wrong.

Yet as Sora felt his heart shatter, emotions rushing out of him all at once, he fell to the carpet and sobbed.

-

As Roxas spoke goodbye to the last partygoer, tiredness evident under his eyes, he breathed a sigh of relief that they were  _ gone.  _ Demyx, luckily, hadn’t noticed Axel sneaking off to his bedroom half an hour previous.

Riku had stumbled into his  own bedroom not long after Sora had disappeared, taking a bright-eyed brunette in with him. By the sound of their laughing they weren’t  _ sleeping  _ at all.

There was no trace of his brother, though he didn’t think twice about it. Sora often wandered off in his own world, and probably just went to sleep early. It wasn’t on Roxas’ mind much, especially when an attractive redhead was currently waiting for him in his bed.

After a short glance at the mess waiting to be cleaned up, Roxas went to his bedroom , making sure to lock the door swiftly behind him. Axel was resting on  the  end of the bed, phone in hand, faint glow of the lamp beside him illuminating his features  softly . Roxas grinned, hands behind his back in a bashful manner.

“Hey, you.”

Axel looked up,  abandoning his phone next to him. A similar smile made its way to his face. “Hey yourself.”

“Have you heard from Demyx?”

“Nope , ”  he yawned  as Roxas  made his way to his wardrobe. “I suspect he’s too drunk to think about me right now. You know him and parties don’t mix  _ too  _ well when it comes to alcohol.”

Roxas hummed, emerging with a large  t-shirt which was, ironically, bright red. “Will this fit you?”

“Are you inviting me into your bed, Roxy?” Axel waggled his eyebrows. “If so, can’t I just use you for clothes instead?”

Roxas blushed, throwing the top in his direction. “Just change, dork.”

In the quiet , Roxas changed too, though he did sneak a few glances towards Axel as he did, who winked  when he caught the blonde. “You see something you like?”

“Get your mind out of the gutter.”  Roxas finished changing and padded over to the bed, pulling the covers down to allow the redhead to join him.

Axel heartily laughed, pressing a kiss onto Roxas’ nose as he slid in beside him. “Surely you know me better than that by now.”

“Oh, I do.” Roxas grinned, settling down next to Axel, his head on his chest as a tired sigh escaped him. “But  _ you _ know  _ me _ too well to know I can’t  _ not  _ tease you.”

“Hey, you’re tired. We can talk in the morning.”

Roxas groaned in disagreement. “I’m awake  _ enough.”  _ He closed his eyes. “Demyx told me he hadn’t seen much of you. Where… were you?”

Axel sighed. “... At Reno’s, most of the time. He likes to party. It was a nice distraction.”

He knew enough about distractions. The thought almost made him feel guilty.

“Rox?”

“Mmm?”

“Before I… found you, Sora told me. About your Mom. What she… did.”

“Oh ,” he deadpanned. This wasn’t the conversation he wanted to be having, not at all. Everything was good,  he and Axel were great, he was  _ happy _ .

“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. Just know  I’m here if you need to tell me  _ anything.” _

Roxas hesitated for a moment but spoke softly.

“...The scar on my cheek? She … shattered a  bottle of vodka and dug a sharp end right near my eye. That’s what she was probably aiming for. It’s why… ” he trailed off, having to pause so he could get the words out. “It’s why that day when I met you, for  _ real,  _ I had a flashback when the glass broke. A week  after she cut me , I tried to end it. I remember voices in the hospital, hazy, and then… you.”

The one person that kept him sane while he was in there. Something to hang onto.

Axel was slightly taken aback that Roxas had so willingly volunteered the memory. Though it was obviously still painful for the blonde to talk about, Axel was glad he’d broken down at least one wall between them.

“ … Thank you for sharing that with me. It means a lot.”

Roxas hummed, shifting slightly to settle  further into Axel, his warmth  starting to lull him to sleep. “One more thing.”

“Yes?”

“Can we… keep this quiet? About us? Just for a while…”

“Whatever you want, Roxas. If it makes you happy then we can wait.”

Roxas opened his eyes, leaning himself up on his elbows. “How are you so… patient with me?”

“Because , ” Axel affectionately ran his hand through blonde hair, a soft smile to his face, “ you mean a lot to me. And I have been an asshole lately, in case you don’t remember.”

“Hmm… I think I vaguely remember.” Roxas smirked. “How are you going to make it up to me then?”

Axel shook his head, laughing. “Sleep, Roxas. It’s late.”

It didn’t take long for them both to fall into a deep sleep, entangled in a tight embrace.


	13. Maroon

Sitting in their quaint hotel room, tired and still getting over the effects of the alcohol, Pence and Olette embraced in front of the sprawling view of Twilight Town.

“We’ve missed out on a lot since we left, haven’t we?” She spoke softly, her eyes downcast. Pence kissed the top of her head comfortingly.

“You really miss it here, don’t you?” He replied, his voice dropping slightly. She nodded against his chest.

“I didn’t think I would. We were happy in Radiant Garden – we _are_ happy in Radiant Garden, right? Just seeing everyone again, Roxas awake… God, Pence, I miss them… Ever since we moved, we never looked back…”

Her eyes shone with unshed tears, the happiness from the party previous leaving a sting in her heart.

“Well… you know…” Pence took in a deep breath, moving back to look at the nostalgic woman he’d come to love. “I’ve finished my short study, and your course finishes in February… After that, there’s nothing stopping us from moving back here. Maybe even finally setting a date for the wedding,” he added jokingly, though the thought morphed into a more serious one when he saw the surprised and excited look on her face. Her expression was pure, unadulterated joy.

“Really?” Her voice was full of hope, a happiness he hadn’t heard for a _long_ time displaying on her face fully. He didn’t have the courage to refuse even if he wanted to.

“Let’s keep it a surprise until we finalise everything.”

She nodded eagerly, her smile growing wider. “Are you sure about this? Your family lives there, and friends…”

“We can always visit. If moving back here means your happiness, then it’s mine too.”

-

_She was drunk._

_Like usual._

_He was lounging around on the pavement outside, staring at the stars which twinkled throughout the sky. They were tiny, yet eternal, no two the same, yet identical. It was tranquil. Luna had been in a better mood than usual the past couple of days and he was grateful. The bruises had started to heal_ _,_ _and he could_ _lie_ _down comfortably, or move in his sleep without waking up in sudden pain. A bittersweet moment of peace before the inevitable happened all over again. Maybe if he just sat outside she’d forget about him, pass out_ _…_ _and he could have another_ _stress-free_ _night. Maybe she’d stop at a few glasses and be fine. Maybe she’d realise what she was doing was wrong._

_He scoffed to himself, picking up a small stone beside him and chucking it into the rugged grass_ _;_ _the faint sound of the grass rustling_ _followed_ _. Maybe. Maybe wasn’t good enough. Maybe didn’t stop the fear, the beatings, the_ _self-hatred_ _. Maybe wasn’t shit._

He _wasn’t shit._

_Roxas shook his head, bringing his knees up to his chest._

_Today was not a good day. Today was a day where all the words she’d ever uttered to him, all the things that stuck in his head_ _… they_ _felt true. Probably_ were _true. It justified why she never laid a finger on Sora. Because he was actually worth something. They were the same, weren’t they? He wondered how much different it would have been if the roles were reversed. Would he be as happy as Sora appeared to be? Bubbly and carefree?_

_No… He couldn’t think that. Wouldn’t let himself think that. The thought of his brother going through every single thing he went through sent a shiver down his spine, a sick feeling in his stomach. One day, one day he’d get away, leave this place, then maybe those voices in his head would stop. His own voices would stop._

_His feet carried him back to the house slowly, reluctantly. Tiptoeing into the kitchen. The lights were on_ _,_ _but she was nowhere to be seen, and he couldn’t tell if that was a blessing or a curse. Maybe she was asleep already. Hopefully. Sora hadn’t made an appearance… he was probably with Riku again._

_Too hyper aware_ _,_ _he accidentally tumbled over a stray chair that hadn’t been tucked away, the screech of wood against floor like a personal alarm drawing her in. He hissed, previous unhealed wounds crying out in pain. The stitches Sora had done a week previous, made by that goddamn_ _vodka_ _bottle, could have been better. He could already feel the sting of the open wound again. He hadn’t been to school since. ‘Faked’ an illness. Too many questions, too much attention… wasn’t that what he really wanted, though?_

_Sora had been acting strange too. He wasn’t sure what happened after Luna was pulled away from him and everything went black. He figured it was better not to ask._

_As Roxas straightened himself up he saw Luna, sitting on the floor,_ _cross-legged_ _, facing the kitchen doorway. A glass was in her hand. At the sight of it_ _,_ _fear stabbed his heart_ _;_ _no, he wasn’t ready, he couldn’t deal with her again. Not yet._

_Not_ glass _._

_She could easily use it as a weapon and he could do nothing. Paralysed with fear. He could almost hear the smash in his distant memory._

_“Come. Sit.” Her voice barely held any emotion. Was she lucid? Drunk? Ready to strike, and just playing nice?_

_Reluctantly he sat opposite her, crossing his legs in the same fashion. It almost became a game_ _–_ _he wouldn’t tear his eyes away, ready to defend if need be, and she wouldn’t break her hold. Her eyes seemed stormy, hesitant._

_Eventually she sighed, taking a sip of her wine. It stunk. “There are things you’ll regret in life, Roxas.” Her voice was slurred. He wondered how much she’d_ _already had to drink_ _. The strange part was how his name held no spite. “A lot of things, actually. I know_ I _do.” She set her glass down, sighing deeply. Roxas sat still, not daring to speak a word. “But I never regretted having you. Ever. And I know most of the time I make you think that I do.”_

_He sat speechless. Lucid moments were rare, and this had to be one. Despite everything that had happened leading up to that moment_ _,_ _her words pulled at his heart._

_“There are some things in this world that hurt you. Will hurt you. Believe it or not… I want to protect you both. I never want you to go through what I went through. The very thought kills me.”_

_She shook her head, leaning forward to rest her forehead on her palm. Her pale, malnourished hair skimmed her shoulders, hanging like straw. He never saw her eat anymore._

_Despite every warning bell going off in his brain he knew he had to ask._ Needed _to._

_“Can I ask you something?” Roxas managed to speak, though it came out as a hushed whisper. Luna looked up and nodded, her expression one like a child’s. A look that didn’t suit her usual exterior at all. “What… What really happened with Dad?”_

_It was subtle. The single question changed her exterior completely, like walls crashing around her. Instantly waves of regret crashed throughout his body and his only instinct was to stop talking and run. Get away from the_ _train wreck_ _that was about to happen. But…no._

_No. He needed answers. All he knew was that he... left. Just got up and left. He couldn’t believe a second of that. Not when they used to be so happy_ _… when_ _Luna used to look like herself. She couldn’t have been like this all her life._

_She stilled, her eyes widening, then narrowing. Her lips parted in surprise, letting in a sharp breath only for her lips to close into a tight line. She began to inhale deeper, her breath quickening, eyes darting around as if to look for an escape._

_“D-Don’t…”_

_“Please!” Roxas begged, feeling an urgency and newfound confidence he’d never felt before, overpowering any fear he might have had. She was lucid. Fully lucid. He might not get the chance again. “Just tell me what you’re holding back!”_

_That was when she let out a_ _high-pitched_ _squeal, full of pain and hate, one that made him heavily flinch. He’d struck a nerve, he knew he had, and at this point he should have been terrified and submissive. Her reaction proved there was more than it seemed behind his disappearance. Confirmed his thoughts._

_“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” She snarled, her body moving forwards, face morphing into hate within a second. “Roxas, Roxas, Roxas. No, no, nono. Ventus. Ventusventusventusventus.” She began to_ _babble_ _, words stringing together, hushed tones creating illegible words. “It’s all your fault isn’t it?”_

_It was clear she was beginning to turn hysterical, her voice rising higher and higher with each breath._

_“Who’s Ventus?!”_

_At his words her head snapped upwards, in his direction, her eyes narrowing. “You.” She screeched, tackling him to the floor, the wine glass beside her spilling across the_ _carpet_ _, red stark against cream. The abrupt tackling left him dazed, letting her have the upper hand. She raised him forward by the_ _neck_ _of his shirt, her teeth bared as her eyes blazed with fury._

_“Why? Why, Ventus?”_

_He expected the first strike, though it didn’t stun him any less. Didn’t take any of the pain_ _away or_ _calm the sting. The second left him breathless, panting on the floor, Ventus repeating around in his head. The third caused him to regress, hide away in a dark pit of his mind, numbing the pain, causing him to forget most of what happened after that._ _Including_ _when she stopped._

_When he regained sense again, his mind clearing, he was on his front on the floor, the room dimmed_ _,_ _yet still lit. He was alone. Angling himself slightly_ _,_ _his eyes found the clock, pointing at ten pm. Sora still wasn’t back. At least he wouldn’t be the one to find him in that situation._

_This time it was his fault, after all._

_Reluctantly standing up, not wanting to let any hint away that the beating had happened, he checked his wounds, sighing in relief at the_ _fact that none of his recent wounds had opened_ _, and the wounds he had previous_ _to that_ _were untouched. Although he felt sore._ Really _sore._

_Coughing lightly, then wincing from that action, he began to walk to the back door, kitchen untouched like it had been before. Some quiet and space sounded good to him at that moment. Outside was always good. She rarely ever did anything outside. Though he doubted she’d try. There was a good chance she’d passed out drunk by now._

_He took his seat at the bare spot he’d originally been in a couple hours previous. The night sky had darkened further, causing the stars to stand out brighter, twinkling, a few stray clouds in the sky passing in the wind._

_Roxas bit his lip, casting his gaze downwards. Maybe there was some truth in what he had sat here contemplating before. If their roles had been reversed… He wouldn’t have the beatings and everything that came with them._

_The wind howled in his ears through the silence. His head was a different matter._

_‘She’s right, you know. She hits you, beats you, breaks you. All for one reason and one reason only. You’re not worth anything.’_

_True._

_Sora was the good one, the happy one. The one that never spoke back to her._

_‘You’re the ugly one, the ugly one…’_

_It twisted around in his head like a mantra, a swirl of his deepest thoughts sucking him further into an abyss._

_‘That’s why she uses you as a punching bag. The anger caused by you is used against you.’_

_‘It hurts, being hurt by the one that’s meant to love you. Care for you…’_

_He just wanted it to stop_ _–_

_‘You caused this, you caused her to be a fuck up, constantly_ _spiraling_ _mentally. It’s all your fault, your fault, your fault…’_

_Roxas gripped his hair, pulling roughly_ _in an attempt_ _to try and get the voices to fade. They refused, growing louder._

_‘Everything is your fault, you fuck up the very ground you walk on. Everyone you know in your pitiful life will leave, all because you are you. You deserve it and you know it. You probably caused your precious Daddy to leave too, and for some reason, she’s trying to shield you from the truth, the one, main, important truth_ _–_ _you are_ _worthless. You are_ _nothing.’_

_A pained whimper fell from his mouth, ending in a mix between a scream and a yelp. They’d never stop. She’d keep on hurting him, he’d never get anywhere, Sora would leave and then he’d be stuck, all alone, with her…_

_‘The best thing you could do would be to kill yourself. Nobody would notice.’_

_Roxas snapped his head up at that, his mind clearing instantly and grinding to a halt, the voices ceasing. The coward’s way out._

_But that was exactly what he was._

_Stumbling to his feet_ _,_ _he returned to the warmth of the house, the chill in his bones gone unnoticed_ _. Roxas_ _was consumed by the one goal he had set in his mind, the only way out he could think of. He’d… he’d be free._

_Careful not to make too much noise_ _,_ _he managed to reach upstairs without stumbling, practically running to the desolate bathroom and locking himself inside. Without a moment’s hesitation_ _,_ _he forced open Luna’s medicine cabinet, various pills that had sat untouched for years, various labels dotting the containers. With a shaking hand_ _,_ _he grabbed_ _a_ _few_ _bottles_ _closest_ _to him_ _and began to pop_ _the contents_ _in his mouth one by one, swallowing the pills dry and ignoring as they scratched his throat, the bitter taste barely_ _a whisper of a_ _thought_ _in_ _his mind._

_They were_ _mostly all gone when he looked down and his mind cleared ever so slightly. The house was still lit_ _, still silent. Sora wasn’t home just yet,_ _so it couldn’t have been long that he’d lost himself in the daze, pill after pill after pill. The bare space of the_ _bottles_ _he’d emptied taunted him._

_Roxas began to run himself a bath, water running from the tap consistently, constantly, settling his mind._

_His last bath? Most likely. Hopefully. He stripped free of his clothes and climbed inside, the heat instantly seeping through his skin and lessening the_ _now noticeable_ _chill in his bones._

_He eyed the razor sitting on the edge_ _of the tub_ _. Quicker. The razor would make it end_ _faster_ _, give him exactly what he wanted. While the pills settled in, overloading his body, the blood would have already left his veins._

_Roxas’ hands began to shake as he grabbed it tightly, the blade digging into his palm and drawing beads of blood, a light graze that barely scratched. He ignored it._

_Without hesitation_ _,_ _the blade was upon his wrist, dragging across deeply_ _,_ _and drawing blood almost instantly. It began to run_ _along_ _his pale flesh and drip into the bath, dissipating in the clear water_ _with_ _every drop. Over and over again, the drops fell faster, lower, until his whole arm was a bright crimson_ _,_ _and blood steadily flowed from his elbow into the water, which was now a slight ruby colour._

_He shifted his attention to the other arm, sudden movement making him woozy, his head spinning. He’d only made one long, jagged cut down the middle of his right arm before the razor fell from his fingers, dropping into the water, settling beside his thigh. His hands_ _, now lacking the strength to keep a firm enough grip_ _felt too numb to grab it_ _;_ _not like he needed to anyway. He’d made enough, or so he hoped._

_He let_ _his lower body slip forward, his head falling_ _backwards into the water, slowly submerging every inch._ _His eyes trailed over each mark on his arms,_ _the_ _blood_ _still seeping into the water_ _–_ _red mist that never seemed to end_ _–_ _before he let his eyes_ _slip_ _shut. They felt heavy, and his stomach ached, though he could feel himself slowly slipping away, the numbness spreading up his arms._

_The darkness was closing in, his body becoming weightless, surroundings drifting away underneath the untouchable barrier of water. The darkness was pulling, stripping, taking away everything that he was, until a faint voice broke through. A familiar one, though he couldn’t place it._

_“Roxas!”_

_In a blur he was out of his body, yet still in_ _it at the same time_ _, standing up and perfectly fine._

_Staring at a motionless, bloody, submerged body in the water, water the colour of roses, the pale figure of his brother inside, deathly white. He felt himself going through the motions, crying, screaming, until hands began to pull him away, shouting his name, taking him away from the only family he had left. Then he looked down, and his arms were ripped to shreds, weeping, thick, murky blood pouring and splashing on the floor, the jagged cut down his arm peeling aside_ _–_

_“Roxas!”_

He hadn’t realised he’d squeezed his eyes shut until he opened them, his throat pained, hoarse, all he could remember was the bathtub and the blood and he was _dying_ _–_

He frantically pulled back from wherever he was and fumbled for a light, a torch, _something,_ his hands reacting faster than his brain and turning a lamp on beside him. He raised his arms, wide eyes darting to inspect them, his mind calming slightly when all he saw were thick, white lines, the horizontal one down the right wrist raised ever so slightly more.

Roxas let out a breath he didn’t even realise he was holding, blinking, his head still in a fog. He was in his room. His… room. It was a dream. A flashback? His brother… No. A dream…

“Are you okay?”

Roxas’ gaze slid to Axel’s, the fact that he wasn’t alone sinking in. _Axel_ had called his name. His hands slowly fell from Roxas’ shoulders, a slight look of alarm and worry evident in his expression though he was clearly trying to hide it.

He choked on a sob, unable to put up his wall while staring at those eyes, eyes that belonged to someone who _cared_ about him _,_ someone he _trusted._ He was in Axel’s arms in a second, a tight embrace that made the tears fall harder, as if they were squeezing out the nightmarish images. Roxas’ arms came up to rest against Axel’s chest, gripping the other man’s shirt, burying his face on the fabric as the emotions of the dream rushed out of him, though the arms never dropped. They continued to hold him close, solidified the fact that he was _there,_ and with _Axel,_ not at his house, watching his brother die, wasn't dying _himself…_

He let himself be held, let the emotions pour out of him. He let Axel speak sweet nothings that he truly held on to, words settling his heart ever so slightly. There was no shame in lowering his barriers for Axel. He needed to, he knew that.

He let himself take these small steps towards being okay.

-

Waking up next to Roxas was bittersweet.

He’d wanted to savour the moment for a long time. If he ever got the chance. But, like always, he’d think and think and think… and miss what was right in front of him.

It wasn’t his fault. Roxas had reassured him that much; but he was still in the dark, lost, only knowing the tip of the iceberg.

No matter what Roxas had gone through, Axel wouldn’t abandon him – he knew that much. Not only did the smaller man mean _so_ much to him, but Axel also couldn’t do that to someone so fragile.

And Roxas _was_ fragile. Which brought him right around to what was bothering him. He was afraid – afraid of hurting Roxas , doing the wrong thing. He was like a ticking time bomb and in Axel’s mind , he was worried _he’d_ be the one to set him off.

He felt selfish, horrible for thinking so. Roxas was _strong_.

So, he let himself momentarily focus on the sleeping blonde, barely illuminated by the slight stream of sunlight coming through the curtains. He’d moved in his sleep to face Axel’s chest, his hand still tightly gripped in Axel’s, sleeping face devoid of any pain or struggle. He looked angelic.

His hair was messy and pulled back from his face, probably because of his restless sleep – he noted that while it had sat just above Roxas’ shoulders when they first met, it now hung a little lower in thicker, more frenzied spikes. He breathed in slowly, lost in a deep, nightmare-less sleep. Roxas almost looked how he did in the coma, though slightly healthier. The comparison made Axel’s heart pang. Even though he’d never held a conversation with Roxas in that time, he began to develop a deep bond with him. Before he’d ever seen the colour of his eyes, eyes which he found compelling when he first saw them. Eyes a shade somewhere between lapis lazuli and sapphire, deeper than the ocean, and even more mysterious.

Roxas had heard him when he was in the coma. Enough to remember him, enough to remember his name. Enough that what he did counted, reassuring Axel that spending all that time with him had been worth it. He was being stupid, as always – looking down at Roxas, he realised there was nowhere he’d rather be than next to him, despite whatever he’d gone through.

Every moment he’d spent in that hospital room, just hoping the boy that he didn’t even know would have a chance to live, couldn’t be in vain. Not when he was holding that boy in his arms.

So, he let himself rest his head against Roxas’, exhaling a soft breath before falling off into sleep again. He needed to stop being stupid and savour the presence of the blonde while he could.


	14. Cerulean

Roxas awoke from a nightmare-less sleep still curled in Axel’s warm arms, humming softly at the pleasant comfort. They’d not moved much from where they’d fallen asleep for the second time, though their legs were tangled together , and they were pressed closer in a more intimate embrace, almost  as if they craved  each other’s touch while  they slept .

He was never one for intimacy. Not anything that came alongside feelings, at least. Despite the flashback… the  _ dream  _ that had only occurred a few hours before he felt completely content to lie in Axel’s arms, evading the cold and trash-filled apartment that was awaiting him.

Nature called, though. With a bladder protesting , he climbed out of bed and warm arms, Axel stirring slightly as he did so. The movement caused his shirt to ride up a little,  providing a view of his stomach.  No defined abs , though no hint of chubbiness either.  Roxas found he could quite  lose himself admiring  Axel all day long.

When he emerged from the bedroom , the flat was clear, to his surprise. No hint of the party previous. Sora sat on the kitchen counter, a cream coloured mug in his hand, steam billowing from it. His eyes were closed as he  leant against the post at the edge of the counter, legs dangling freely. He looked  _ tired. _

“Did you… clean?”

Sora seemed startled at his voice, head lifting upwards and eyes opening. “I was… up early. Figured someone had to do it.”

“...Are you okay?” Roxas frowned. He seemed… off.  There was a hint  of  _ something _ that he could barely catch , though it was there.

“Hm?” Sora took a sip of his drink. “I’m fine. What makes you say that?”

Roxas didn’t quite believe him, though he gave a sly grin in response to that. “Just the fact I’ve never seen you clean in your life.”

Sora widened his eyes, his mouth popping into an ‘o . ’ “ _ Roxas!  _ Of course I do…  _ Sometimes…” _

Roxas rolled his eyes. “Axel stayed over last night. Demyx left before he could get back. I offered a sleeping bag.”

Sora cocked an eyebrow upwards. “Are you two on speaking terms again? He disappeared for a while. I was worried.”

“That? It’s sorted. Just a misunderstanding.”

Sora shrugged. “Fair enough.”

They sat in a comfortable silence for some time before Roxas excused himself to the bathroom  once more . A quick shower and a wash of his spikes left him feeling more refreshed and awake. He wondered if Axel had woken up yet.

Changing back into his clothes, he exited, surprised to see Rikku on the couch chatting to Sora, looking as dressed up and cheerful as anyone could be so early in the morning.

With the  opening of the door she turned to spot Roxas, breaking out into a grin. “Roxas!! I have news!”

“Is that good or bad?” He grinned, walking to sit next to his brother on the couch. Axel still hadn’t awoken, it seemed. Or he was enjoying the warmth of the bed,  which was calling to Roxas.

“Good. Definitely good.” Rikku smirked, though she seemed to look around for something. “Where’s Riku?”

“Asleep.” Sora spoke without hesitation, almost  _ too  _ quickly. “I think.”

“ _ Okaaay _ . Well! Have either of you been to Destiny Islands?”

“Nope. Always seemed nice though.” Roxas shrugged. “Not the  _ cheapest _ place.” He didn’t add the fact they’d never been  _ anywhere  _ on a proper holiday, not that he could remember. The memory from  Christmas tugged on his mind.

“How would you like to spend a week there? I was going with a few friends and thought  _ hey, why not make it a party?  _ Travel is covered.” Rikku looked smug. “Larxene is coming, and I’ve already invited Demyx, though he had no clue where Axel  was, so he could ask him.”

“Ask me what?”  _ Speak of the devil.  _ Axel emerged from  Roxas’ bedroom, still blinking the sleep from his eyes, though he was dressed in his own clothes. For a moment , Roxas thought that he looked adorable with his sleepy expression, though he caught himself. He was never usually this  _ lovesick.  _ _ Sappy _ _. _

“How does Destiny Islands sound?”

“Again? Does your  _ Daddy  _ need you to look after the dogs again?” Axel winked. “When?”

“In… a few days. I know it’s late notice!  _ Dad  _ is leaving for a business trip. Trusts me to look after the place.”

“Does he not know about the wreck last time?” Axel sat down next to Roxas, slightly closer than a friend would, but kept his hands to himself.  _ So patient. _

“Don’t doubt me and my cleaning!”

“How are you going to pay for travel for  _ all of us?”  _ Sora frowned. “And where will we stay?”

“Wait, you didn’t know?” Axel grinned. “Rikku’s  _ rich.  _ She has her own private jet.”

Sora gaped, spikes bobbing as he almost jumped in place to face Rikku fully. “ _ What? _ _ ” _

“I wouldn’t say  _ I’m _ rich _.  _ While my Dad is, I won’t own any part of it until I inherit it.” Rikku shook her head roughly. “Anyways. The house there has enough rooms and more. Want to invite those two girls, too? The nice ones. Red and White.”

“Kairi and Naminé?”

“Those!”

“I’m sure they’ll appreciate the nicknames.” Sora hummed. “We can ask.”

Roxas glanced over at Axel, who was conversing with the two. A week with the man he’d just patched things up with, somehow keeping the secret from the group that they were… whatever they were.

He couldn’t tell whether he was excited or not.

-

A week later, delayed plans and Rikku’s  insistence on everyone possible joining her, Roxas found himself staring out of a plane window, a sick feeling in his stomach. He hadn’t mentioned he’d never flown before, though his reaction as they took off probably gave it away. Axel, sitting next to him, quietly squeezed his hand for reassurance. Roxas only grimaced but manage to get out a ‘thank you . ’

Meanwhile Sora was ecstatic,  commenting on everything he could see below, blue eyes round with excitement and curiosity. He couldn’t help but notice the looks his brother would give to Riku whenever nobody was looking.  _ Mournful  _ looks. It had been going on since the party, though he knew best not to mention anything. Not yet. Though he gathered it had something to do with the woman that stayed the night , only to scurry off the morning after. Roxas was glad he  hadn’t seen a trace of her since.

Once the plane settled , the blonde managed to drift off to a light sleep every so often. The comfort of the seats was a blessing,  as was the fact they were spaced so far apart ; they chose the two facing away  from all the others . Nobody noticed the hands intertwined, or how Roxas  had settled his head on Axel’s  shoulder in his sleep. Or how Roxas’ cheeks seemed to blush ever so slightly as they talked.

His eyes opened only  somewhat as he heard Rikku announce excitedly that they were only half an hour away until descent. The clouds seemed to lessen the closer they got. Eternal summer and paradise. Sounded nice.

Roxas was still surprised at her generosity. Not only had she invited her gang, including Marluxia, but  Naminé and Kairi, himself and his brother, and Riku. It couldn’t have been cheap, even if she did have a private jet like Axel said.

Naminé came into view, a white shawl around her shoulders. She had a soft smile on her face, greeting them both as she sat down opposite. He could hear Kairi’s slight snore from behind them.

She looked out the window at the slowly approaching scenery for a while before speaking up. “Did you know my parents considered moving to Destiny Islands?”

Roxas raised his eyebrow up in interest. He’d never known, truthfully. Sora had become closer to the group than he had, and it was only through their mutual friendship that he ever even connected with  Naminé . Part of him wished they  _ would  _ have gotten closer beforehand.

“I’m glad, though. They decided not to go through with it because of the adoption.”

“Adoption?” Axel piped up, looking at  Naminé with utter confusion, one of his earbuds dangling against his chest. Roxas had no idea he was paying attention to the conversation, though he guessed  that with the mention of adoption, it was only rational it would catch his attention.

“Oh… right.”  Naminé blushed. “Roxas never told you? Kairi… my parents adopted her when we were both eight. They wanted us to be closer in age so we could grow up together, have the best chance at getting along. A lot of people assume we’re sisters by how alike we are in looks.”

“Interesting.” Axel grinned. “At least now I don’t have to wonder why you’re polar opposites when it comes to personality.” He looked contemplative for a second. “Nice to know me and her have something in common.”

“Axel? You were adopted?”  Naminé questioned. Axel nodded in response, not seeing the need to elaborate any further, the lack of a stable home not the nicest subject to bring up.  Naminé got the hint rather  quickly and didn’t press.

“What was it like, having another child barge in  on your life?” Axel  _ was  _ curious, only being on the other side of the spectrum, only receiving dislike from so-called ‘siblings . ’ He learnt that orphans were always going to be outcasts, never loved as much as anybody else. That was his normal.

“I was rather envious when she first came to stay. I’d been theirs for eight years, yet she was a breath of fresh air, a new child to love. She’d been in and out of orphanages her whole life. Got dropped off as a baby with only a note with her name on it, from what  our parents were told . Kairi got all the attention. Though once things settled down,  and life  started to return to normal, I tried to get her to talk to me, thinking we could maybe be friends. She was so timid and scared, barely uttering a thing. When I  _ eventually  _ got her to open up and  talk , she never stopped.”  Naminé had a reflective, fond  expression as she  glanced in the direction of her sister. “I’ve watched her bloom from a shy, abandoned girl who could barely get out her name to what she is today. I’d never want it any other way.”

“She’s lucky to have found family in you.” Axel’s expression hardened ever so slightly. “Not all of us are so fortunate.”

Axel glanced over to Roxas, noticing he’d drifted off against his shoulder again, face blissfully relaxed as he slept.  Naminé followed his line of sight, only to fixate him with a sly smile.

“So…” Clearly needing a brighter subject change, she twirled a lock of hair around with her finger, looking as innocent as she could. “You and Roxas…?”

“What are you hinting at?”

“I  _ know  _ Roxas. Ever since you popped into his life , he’s slowly come back from the depressive, on-the-edge Roxas he was ever since I met him. He’s become happier, more talkative…” She shrugged nonchalantly. “It was all too clear. So,  _ Axel,  _ you’ve got two choices. You can tell me what sly things are going on between you two,  since we both know I’d just get defiance from Roxas here , ” Axel’s mouth tilted upwards at that, “or I’ll tell you what  _ I  _ think is going on.”

“There is no me and Roxas.”

“Roxas and  _ I _ _ , _ _ ”  _ Naminé corrected. “Fine. You’re letting Roxas take the lead, right? Because you’re too afraid he’ll get hurt again, or his mind will dip. You’re willing to let him fully decide everything on his own, which is more than he needs. He’s scared of being vulnerable and open. Who knows, he may be to you, but unprompted, he wouldn’t go further. He doesn’t voice his thoughts aloud often. It creates a storm that is likely to burst again and again, which he will try to do  _ alone.  _ Be the rock he needs.”

“... You think what you want to think.” He spoke out of Roxas’ wishes, mainly. He should’ve expected something like this. She was all too cunning, and he wasn’t exactly the nicest to her in the past. The thought brought up a stab of regret.  Naminé didn’t seem like the harsh type, yet he had been an  _ asshole  _ to her. Which felt even worse now  that he knew her slightly better.   


She was frustratingly right, though.


	15. Grey

The minute the plane touched down, most of them erupted in words of amazement, the warm rays seeping through the windows and warming up the air before they’d even stepped out. Blue waves as far as the eye could see; soft, cream-coloured sand eternally litter free. Roxas could just make out a small island in the distance, a speck of greenery away from the bustle of the mainland. He briefly wondered if it was accessible.

They were driven in separate cars to the house, which was a _lot_ larger than he expected, with sprawling greenery and palm trees surrounding the estate. Rikku was adamant they had to get to the beach as soon as possible, regardless of the fact it stayed in the peak of summer endlessly, meaning they’d only just dropped their bags off and changed before they were led to an empty part of the beach, a small cove barely metres away.

As the girls stripped, Roxas noted Axel, who was walking alongside him, letting his eyes go astray for a second. They were the only ones to not have changed yet.

“Have some _decency,_ sheesh…” Roxas rolled his eyes, playfully hitting his arm. Axel feigned hurt, clutching his arm tightly.

“Hey! But do you blame me?” Axel winked. “Or would you rather I be staring at _you_ instead?”

The _slightly_ jealous knot in his stomach unfurled a little, though his cheeks burned. “...Shut up.”

Axel laughed heartily, a wide grin on his face, one that Roxas couldn’t help but love every time he saw it. Axel ruffled his hair, leaning in slightly. “You’re so cute.”

It wasn’t long before everyone had turned to the sea, inflatables that he hadn’t even noticed previously batted about. Rikku was, by far, in the strangest costume of the lot, with a yellow and orange bikini and a green skirt. Even being a guy who knew nothing about fashion, he never quite grasped her fashion sense.

The only one that wasn’t enjoying the sun was Marluxia, who had sported his sunglasses and proclaimed he was off in pursuit of a bar. Even Larxene, a nightmare Roxas hadn’t seen since the party, was in the sea, currently aiming an inflatable ball right for Demyx’s head. He didn’t have much to base her on apart from that night. The only things he somewhat understood were that she was in clear want of Axel and despised Roxas with a passion.

He let himself fall back onto the sand, covered slightly by an umbrella. Larxene and Axel had a past. What if that was never over?... Would Axel want to go back?

Caught up in his thoughts, Roxas didn’t notice the two sets of eyes on him. Axel made glances, while Naminé watched the two in the corner of her eye, a smirk on her lips. He was blissfully unaware of both.

His eyes darted upwards as Axel stood, stretching as he removed his shirt, turning to the blonde peering with a slightly pink face. Axel grinned. “You coming?”

Roxas was stunned for a moment before it clicked that he meant _swimming,_ and felt his panic begin to escalate. He shook his head roughly, expression falling ever so slightly. Axel noticed, pausing as he tied his hair into a loose ponytail.

“You okay?”

Roxas nodded slowly. “I don’t… swim.”

Axel’s face fell. “You sure? I promise you won’t drown.” He threw in a wink, but Roxas could tell it wasn’t genuine. He was completely concerned.

“... No, but… thanks. You enjoy yourself.”

As he jogged off, the shimmering backdrop of the sky behind him, the thought that had been plaguing his mind for the past few days popped up again. Why was Axel interested in _him_ of all people? He didn’t even have the confidence to _swim._

He’d always known Axel was good looking, a strange attractiveness to his face that set him apart from everyone else. What would usually be considered an odd or undesirable feature worked for him, even the facial tattoos and the striking hair. Even in the coma, he could listen to his voice all day. Though he’d never really… appreciated him for who he was.

Roxas had never met anyone as patient and understanding as Axel.

Roxas watched as Kairi drenched him with seawater from behind, Axel’s grin evident as he tackled her underneath the waves, only to have her come upwards, spluttering as her dark hair clung to her pale skin. Through their giggles they looked like they were having fun, like two people who’d known each other their entire lives. Yet Roxas was too self-conscious to join them. Too… ashamed? Everyone knew what was underneath the sweaters and hoodies he’d adorned himself with. In the sweltering heat he couldn’t bring himself to leave them behind, not when there were so many _people._ All they did was remind him of the past, even more when prying eyes looked his way. He could feel those eyes on him, looking through his clothing, straight to his scars, even when they weren’t.

He never… dwelled on why the voices left as she did. Maybe they were masking themselves as the thoughts he’d think about himself, a mix of her voice and his own, prying on his insecurities when he was emotionally weak. Either way, he wouldn’t wish for them back, though he couldn’t help but wonder. Worry if they’d return. What if they did? What if they caused him to push Axel away _again,_ or revert to how unstable he used to be?

Roxas recoiled at that thought, blinking as he realised his mistake. _Used to be._ Or maybe it wasn’t a mistake? He didn’t realise until now how much he’d actually changed. Even when he first got out of hospital, all he wanted to do was be by himself, wallowing in the self-pity he cast over his mind. Visiting Xemnas whenever he needed to let off steam. And who changed that all? The redhead with the largest grin on his face he’d ever seen. Roxas couldn’t help but grin back when Axel looked his way.

“Aren’t you gonna go?” Naminé cut through the silence; it took him a few seconds to register he was being spoken to. He turned slightly, noticing she had been sketching in her notepad as she sat on the sand, though her gaze was on Roxas, seeing his odd, vaguely dark expression as he watched the group. He shrugged, looking out at the sea again.

“Not really my sort of thing, I guess.” He pulled his sleeves down lower out of habit, his thumb lightly rubbing over a raised scar. “I… didn’t bring anything to swim in, anyway.”

She rolled her eyes. “So, you’re just going to sit and gaze after him like a lost puppy while he has all the fun?” She eyed him knowingly, putting up a perfectly manicured hand when he frowned and opened his mouth to protest. “Don’t even bother. It’s obvious.”

“Since when did you become a massive know-it-all?” Roxas sighed, though his mouth split into a small grin. “You never changed.”

“Don’t forget, you and Hayner never would have become a couple if it wasn’t for me. I take the time to notice things. And I see you’re fawning over someone that’s just as interested in you.”

Roxas stayed silent, his eyes remaining on the sand. “Since when were you all for Axel, anyway? You’ve barely spoken, and, if I remember, he wasn’t exactly decent.”

She shrugged, deciding not to mention the length of their conversation on the plane. “Although his actions weren’t… _favourable_ _,_ he did it because he was clearly infatuated with you, and jealous. No, he didn’t do the right thing, but his motivations were clear. And you,” she lightly pushed his arms, frowning, “need to take the first steps, too. If you don’t want him to treat you like glass, prove to him how far you’ve come. Prove to _yourself_.”

It wasn’t long before they returned to the _mansion,_ Rikku looking out of place amongst the tiles and chandeliers. A young man in a suit approached them as they entered, a polite smile to his face.

“Miss Rikku, Mr. Jecht called and wished you a nice stay and his dreadfully sorry he could not see you before he left.”

Rikku shrugged. “It’s alright, Noel. I’m thankful enough that he let me use the house for a week, as I’m sure he didn’t need me to ‘look after the dogs.’ Considering he pays Tidus to take care of them instead of work.” She drawled. ‘Noel’ chuckled.

“You know your grandfather doesn’t want your brother to live with him without earning his keep. He could have been given worse. Like my job, for example.”  

“Tidus? I recognize that name…” Sora pondered from behind him absentmindedly.

“There was a guy called Tidus at Twilight High. Used to hang around with me and Hayner sometimes.” Roxas shrugged, ignoring the confused look at the mention of Hayner’s name from Sora. “More friends with Hayner than me, to be fair.” He left out the part where Hayner was Tidus’ dealer for Rikku’s benefit.

“He studied there until graduation and moved back here. Tidus was quite… _rebellious._ We thought being near me might help, though he seems to get on quite well here. Apart from the lack-of-a-job thing.”

“Small world,” Riku muttered, keeping unusually quiet. Like he had done since New Year’s. Roxas was concerned, as it had clearly affected Sora, having that girl in Riku’s bedroom. Or whatever it was. He just… didn’t want to interfere. Or make things worse, like he had a habit of doing.

Rikku left them to their devices not long afterwards, letting them freely unpack their bags and nap off the jetlag. Although most people did the latter, Roxas was too restless, turning up at Naminé’s door not two hours later, startling her out of her painting as she stumbled to the door. She opened it to find Roxas standing outside, hands stuffed in his hoodie, face downcast.

“Rox…as?” She furrowed her eyebrows as he walked past her without a word, shutting the door behind him. He let out a groan, moving to turn face to face with her.

“I don’t want to mess things up with Axel,” he blurted out, moving to sit on the edge of her bed. “I… I always do. Me and Hayner, we weren’t _good_ for each other. I hurt him, he hurt me. But Axel…”

Naminé joined the blonde, mindful of the art supplies littering the floor. She hadn’t expected him to rush straight to the point at all, since that wasn’t something he usually _did_ ; it left her staggering for a response.

After a small pause, she moved her head forward slightly to view his face. “If you care for someone deeply, then it’s only natural to worry. But how much you care for Axel… that’s up to you to decide.”

“I thought I cared for Hayner.”

“You weren’t in a good place, Roxas.” She took his hand, urging him to look at her. “Neither you or Hayner were bad people. You _did_ care for each other. But you weren’t _right,_ not at that time. To be blunt, your life was an injury, and Hayner was your bandage. You let him be that for you, and he was happy to do that. But the illusion can only last so long. That doesn’t make either of you bad people, and Hayner might have been what you needed to get by at the time.”

“But what if Axel is that for me _now_ ?” Roxas sounded _desperate._ “What if I’m fooling myself?”

“You tried pushing him away before, remember? If that doesn’t show you the feelings are genuine, I don’t know what will. Even if you doubt it, you are in a _much_ better place than you were before. I’m so proud of seeing how far you’ve come, even if you don’t see it yourself. I believe Axel will help, rather than hold everything at bay momentarily.”

After a pause, seemingly taking it all in, Roxas spoke again. “Do you think it’s bad I still don’t want to tell anyone?”

“Not at all,” Naminé spoke simply. “You’re not used to being emotionally vulnerable to other people. Suddenly announcing something like that? I’m not surprised you want to keep it to yourself for a while. Unless… announcing it would make it real for you?”

“No!” Roxas jumped to the defense, eyes wide. “No… of course not…”

Before he could say anything else his phone beeped, followed by Naminé’s. Roxas pulled his out to see a text from Rikku calling them down for food.

“Look, I…” Roxas stood up, scratching the back of his neck. “I appreciate you giving me some advice. If you ever need anyone to do the same… I’d be more than happy.” He grinned. “You coming?”

“Um…” Naminé swallowed, quickly becoming nervous. She twiddled her fingers around, debating whether or not to just _say_ it, lest she regret it…

“Yeah?”

“Oh. Yeah. I was just…. Never mind.”

She couldn’t. Not… right now. Naminé couldn’t even take her own advice.

-

As they emerged, Roxas noticed Axel from further down the hall leaving too, phone in hand, changed into his usual casual clothes. Roxas shot an apologetic glance to Naminé, who slyly smiled in return, before heading off in his direction.

“Axel?”

“Heya Rox. You heading downstairs?”

“Can I… talk to you for a second first?”

Axel seemed cautious, frowning. “Uh, sure? I _am_ hungry though.”

Roxas pulled him into his own room, coincidentally the one right next to Axel’s. He shut the door behind him, nervousness settling in his stomach. He was never one for spilling his emotions to other people. He had to keep reminding himself to _try_ for Axel. His hands gripped the doorknob as he began to speak.

“I… I need to talk to you. About us.”

Axel’s face dropped within the second. “You’re not… having second thoughts, right?”

Roxas shook his head, his expression turning to one of distress. “Of _course_ not. I… just want to clear up some things. About _us.”_

 _“Oh.”_ Axel let out a relieved grin. “What do you need clearing up?”

“What… are we?”

“We’re whatever you want us to be.” Axel hummed. “But if I was to define us… I would very much like to call you my boyfriend.”

“You know, me and Hayner… we never referred to each other as boyfriends.”

Axel cocked an eyebrow upwards. “You’re asking about us and bringing up the guy you used to date?”

“Listen to me. I… I’ve never had a relationship that truly _meant_ something. Hayner… will always have a place in my heart. He helped me through shit. But we weren’t healthy. We didn’t _care_ about each other or cater to our needs. I was so deep in my own mind that nothing I ever did or could have done was healthy. Including relationships. Towards the end it was nothing but physical. I was _crushed_ when I found out what he’d done because I knew I’d never see him again. She’d gone too far the night I tried to kill myself and he murdered her in cold blood out of anger. I still miss him, but _you_ made me realise it wasn’t much more than platonic, not for me. What I feel for you is _so_ much different. I was terrified that I was using you the same way I used Hayner, as a temporary distraction from my own head.” Roxas finished his revelation with an exhale, his mind still reeling from the amount of information he’d just exposed, the amount he’d gotten off of his chest. It had all been building for a long time.

“Why do you say ‘was?’ What changed your mind?”

“You, I guess. I just wanna be with you. All that mushy crap.”

Axel brilliantly grinned. “There’s that Roxas I know.” Within seconds Axel’s lips were on his, a sweet, tender embrace, leaving him sooner than he wished. “Does this mean I can call you my boyfriend now?”

“Of course.” Roxas smiled back, dipping in for another kiss. “Though… maybe we should keep it between us for a little bit longer. Enjoy the holiday together.”

“Sounds good to me.” Axel’s gaze seemed almost happily intoxicated. “We should really join them for dinner before it seems too suspicious.”

“Oh. Right.” Roxas chuckled sheepishly. “I forgot to mention… Naminé knows. About us. I kinda… needed her advice before I came to see you.”

“I had a feeling she would be the first to know.” Axel interlinked his fingers with Roxas’, giving a light squeeze. “We really should go though.”

“Hmmm…” Roxas pulled Axel down for another kiss, this time longer, though still just as soft and tender. “But what’s a few more minutes…”

-

The night went off without a hitch, none of them noticing the two overly happy late arrivals, apart from Naminé, who threw another sneaky wink at the couple. They’d just begun cracking out the booze, Marluxia cheering, when Axel sat next to Naminé, who was in the corner of the group, working away on her sketchpad, oblivious to the world.

“What are you working on?” He asked, leaning on the counter near her. She hummed, wiping some eraser bits from the page.

“A landscape of Destiny Islands. What most caught me about the sea was the small island just off of here. Intriguing, don’t you think?”

“Wonder if you can get there.” Axel spoke awkwardly, biting his lip. Naminé stopped sketching, noticing his tone, and looked upwards. “Uh… I wanted to apologise.”

“Apologise?”

“For how I acted last month. Not the best first impression I could’ve made. Dunno what I was thinking.” He ran his hand through his hair, not meeting her gaze as he tried to find the words. “It didn’t feel right not apologising since, ya know, you and Roxas are good buddies and all. I was an asshole, after all.”

“You were.” Naminé smiled. “Thank you, Axel. I appreciate the apology.”

Roxas, watching the scene next to Sora with a drink in his hand, smiled softly, a touch of affection in his chest, wondering when the last time he felt so at peace was.

-

“I’m gay.”

Naminé stood in front of the slightly misted mirror in her guest bathroom, wet tendrils of ashen hair clinging to her face having come freshly out of the shower, the heat of the summer rays already seeping into her skin. Her cheeks were rosy, nerves inside unwilling to quell. She felt _sick._ Why was she so nervous? It wasn’t a big deal. Seemed like everyone in their group wasn’t straight at this point.

“I’m… Gay, Roxas.”

“I like girls.”

“I’m a lesbian… _no,_ that sounds odd…”

“Here’s the thing, I—”

“ _Like girls, I know. I’m sure the mirror gets it by now.”_

The sound that came out of Naminé’s mouth next was what some might consider non-human. Instead, it was more along the lines of a hoarse _squeak._ She turned around swiftly, noticing a familiar yet unwelcome blonde leaning on the frame of the bathroom door, a smirk plainly present on her lips. _No._

Clearly, she forgot to lock the bedroom door before she showered.

“Look, your fault for leaving the door open. You’re just lucky nobody else strolled in - especially _Roxas._ He seems to be _everyone’s_ favourite person lately.” Larxene rolled her eyes, waving her hand dismissively.

Naminé narrowed her eyes, ignoring the remark about Roxas. “Why _are_ you here, anyway?”

“Well, dear Naminé, I was chosen to come and grace you with the news that the peppy-as-always blonde downstairs has continued the festivities from yesterday. Something about fireworks, yada yada yada. Sad she had to miss out on the New Year’s party because she was working. _Sulking_ , more like.” Naminé just glared in response. “Oh , come on, lighten up. I won’t tell anyone about your little secret. _Promise.”_ She grinned slyly.

“Do whatever, I don’t care. Just get the hell out of my room,” Naminé snapped, Larxene’s eyes widening at the outburst.

“Kitty’s got claws. I likey.” She moved forward to twirl a lock of Naminé’s damp hair between her fingers, moving her gaze away from her eyes, the frustrating grin plastered on her face. Naminé slapped her hand away, shoving at her frame lightly.

“Just get _out.”_

“ _Tch._ You’re no fun,” she pouted, moving towards the door. “As you wish. Rikku asked if you could join us when you’re ready. The last time we all had a party was… entertaining, to say the least.”

With that, she was gone, leaving Naminé fuming silently. She’d vented her frustration at the _one_ person she didn’t really want to know. Larxene could possibly be going to tell anyone who would listen right that second. And if she didn’t… she had _leverage._

Not even _Kairi_ knew. The thought struck her heart. She wasn’t _ready_ for everyone to know. It was too _personal._

She sunk to her knees and let out a sob. A moment of temporary weakness for what could be the last few moments she was in control of who knew.


End file.
